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I made it through Christmas.
I made it through New Year's Eve. I made it through the Super
Bowl. And finally, goddamit, I had to deal with Valentine's
Day. Going to see yet another huge studio release starring
Will Smith on Valentine's Day of all holidays, is what psychiatrists
liken to “self mutilation.” Something about self-loathing
coupled with wanting to punish myself for being very, very
bad is what makes me drawn to such obvious craptasm.
In another sordid attempt by Hollywood to manipulate boyfriends
into handing over their hard, earned cash, “Hitch”
explores the myth that any man can get any woman he wants
at any time. Will Smith plays Alex “Hitch” Hitchens,
the date doctor, who helps men capture the hearts of the women
they truly love. As for the guys just trying to get laid?
Hitch won't help them. He's too cool for that. He's too busy
trying to facilitate potential stalkers. Let me get this straight:
a guy wants to get laid and you won't help him; but a sniveling
loser comes along, saying that he wants to spend the rest
of his life sniffing a girl's panties, and he's considered
worthy of assistance?
Anyway, Alex Hitchens is hired by a hapless accountant named
Albert (Kevin James). Apparently, Albert is in love with New
York's most fictitious celebutante, Allegra Cole (Amber Valleta).
Seriously, for someone as rich as her character is supposed
to be, you'd think she could afford a better name. While Albert
is tutored into plausibility, Hitch tries to conquer his own
problematic love life. What's that, you say? A love doctor
who can't fall in love? THERE'S THE HITCH! GET IT?? That's
delicious irony! Of course, the object of Hitch's affection
is a New York gossip columnist, Sara Melas (Eva Mendes), who
revels in destroying the relationships of other people. You
know why? She can't fall in love either! Brilliant! Suck on
the teat of double irony, you insipid fools!
Fortunately, Will Smith is charismatic enough to overcome
a script discarded from the never-before-seen episodes of
“The Love Boat.” By “overcome,” I mean
he got $20 million bucks. It's exactly the same formula we've
seen before: Boy meets girl, girl loves boy, boy does something
“unforgivable,” girl forgives boy. Except in my
case, I'm called a disgusting pervert and my phone calls are
never returned.
Through his broad, physical comedy, television's own “King
of Queens” Kevin James steals almost every scene in which
he appears. Maybe it's because he's spent the last 4 years
on TV portraying a fat slob with a shitty job who already
has a much-too-hot wife. He's used to this. Furthermore, his
portrayal of a fat tool is startlingly accurate. Hollywood
has found its next fat, clumsy oaf at whom we can all laugh.
Who needs Belushi or Farley?
The rest of the cast is competent in that “we have a
big budget” kind of way. Although Alan Arkin, as the
editor of the gossip rag at which Sara Melas works, made me
want to kick someone in the nuts. Nevertheless, the cast,
if not talented, was at least attractive (Hi Eva!) and showed
the ability to make something out of a very craptastic script.
For example, during the “boy loses girl” portion
of the movie, Albert accuses Hitch of not following his own
advice, to which Hitch says something about love being his
life, and Albert yells back at him, “No! Love is your
job.” In 50 years, I'm sure we will quoting that instead
of lines from Casablanca.
Despite my maniacal rant about this movie, I still went to
see it, just like millions of other people who forgave Smith
for “Wild Wild West” and every movie he's made since.
Let me explain it another way: A chick starts harassing her
boyfriend to go see a movie for Valentine's Day weekend. He
is emphatically told his choices are either “The Wedding
Date,” starring that annoying chick from “Will and
Grace.” Or “Hitch,” which has a hot chick in
it, as well as a goofy fat guy.
Turns out that no amount of compliance would undo the damage
caused by forgetting to buy my girlfriend a Valentine's Day
gift. “Hitch” turned out to be the highlight of
my week. Those studio people are so clever.
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Will
Smith and Kevin James in "Hitch"
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