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Summer is my favorite season,
but football is my favorite sport. Unfortunately, football
isn’t played during the summer, so when“The Longest
Yard” made its debut last weekend, I thought I could
get my football fix and review a movie at the same time. Those
movie execs are fucking brilliant! Yes, yes, I know—it
is Adam Sandler and it is a remake of a pretty good
Burt Reynolds film before he got all old and freaky. It could
either be hilarious or a complete disaster like every other
remake. After seeing “The Longest Yard,” it turns
out that I experienced the kind of contentment of knowing
I got my summer football fix and I will never see another
Adam Sandler movie ever again.
In case you didn’t know, Adam Sandler plays Paul Crewe,
an ex-NFL quarterback who is sent to prison. Having retired
from football amidst allegations of point shaving, Crewe finds
himself in an untenable relationship and at point in his life
where nothing matters. By the way, Courtney Cox has a small
role as Crewe’s controlling girlfriend. I didn’t
hear a word she said, but her tits have never looked better.
Despite her alluring chest, Crewe can’t handle the bitch,
so what else can he do but go on a high-speed car chase and
get sentenced to three years in a Texas penitentiary? Never
mind that his crime was committed in San Diego, and that driving
like an asshole isn’t a federal crime. Believe me, I
know.
The prison is run by Warden Hazen (James Cromwell) who happens
to be very passionate about the sport of football. The prison
also happens to be the home of a semi-pro champion football
team, and the warden needs Crewe to put together a team of
inmates for a “tune-up” game. At first, Crewe is
reluctant to do so, but after some routine torturing and corporeal
punishment, he eventually agrees. Of course, his team is made
up of physical juggernauts who really aren’t that bad
and other assorted criminals that aren’t that entertaining.
Most peculiarly, Burt Reynolds plays Nate Scarboro, the fictional
Heisman trophy winner from 1955 and who is “coincidentally”
serving time in the same prison as Crewe.
The main draw of the movie is supposed to be the football
action and the ex-NFL stars who make cameo appearances, like
Brian Bosworth, Bill Romanowski and Michael Irvin, among others.
Never mind that Bob Sapp plays “Switowski,” a mildly
retarded, gentle giant who seems more like an anachronism
from the pre-Civil War era than a convict. As for Burt, he
apparently forgot how to act somewhere between “Boogie
Nights” and whatever the hell else he’s been doing
between toupee adjustments.
In a movie full of silly jokes and poorly developed characters,
it turns out remaking “The Longest Yard” wasn’t
the bad idea. It was the way that it was remade that made
the movie suck butthole. Imagine a hybrid of “Happy Gilmore”
and “The Waterboy.” Sandler didn’t stay true
to the original, he just injected his own formulaic craposity
into the underdog theme. He should’ve gone the distance
and changed the title to be “Adam Sandler’s Fantasy
Football Camp.” More importantly, Adam Sandler playing
the role of an ex-NFL quarterback is about as believable as
Clay Aiken playing John Rambo.
Even worse, the talent of Chris Rock was again wasted and
Rob Schneider made another fucking cameo in his former SNL
buddy's movie. I swear, Rob Schneider must have something
juicy on Adam Sandler.
Suffice it to say, there will be tons of moviegoers who are
sick and tired of the Star Wars lines and will flood the theaters
to watch Adam Sandler play himself, Nelly pretend he’s
a running back, or to see Tracy Morgan in drag. The elderly
ladies in front of you are still diddling themselves to the
onscreen image of Burt Reynolds. And Adam Sandler cheated
me out of $10…again.
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Above:
Chris Rock, Burt Reynolds and Adam Sandler in "The Longest
Yard".
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