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There are no spoons. This is the culinary piece
of information that I learned from watching The Matrix:
Revolutions, the third, and thankfully, final installation
in the Matrix Trilogy. There are also no forks, knives, plates,
or any other assorted cutlery. Also in absentia were coherent
narrative, compelling characters, and Keanu Reeves’ eyes.
Those get burnt out somewhere in the middle of the movie,
and I honestly couldn’t tell the difference. If the eyes
are the window to the soul, then Keanu’s were boarded
up years ago just like the crack house across the street from
my apartment. Watching this actor try to approximate
the normal range of human emotions was like watching George
Dubya Bush pronounce strategize. It just can’t
be done.
It’s not all Keanu’s fault. I can’t blame Keanu
for the brimming bowl of crap chowder that the Matrix movies
have turned into. Blaming Keanu for the train-wreck that this
trilogy has become would be like blaming Mrs. O’Leary’s
cow for starting the Chicago fire. Sure, Keanu might have
knocked over the lantern that burnt Chi-Town to the ground,
but at the end of the day he’s just a cow. And I just
can’t bring myself to be angry at a cow. No matter how
nice his hair is.
No, the responsibility lies at the pretentious feet of Andy
and Larry Wachowski, the writers and directors of The Matrix
Trilogy. Larry and Andy: I blame you for making me sit through
your two-and-a-half hours of utter garbage disguised as philosophically
deep. I blame you for writing that God-awful dialogue. I blame
you for eschewing the clean lines of the first Matrix
movie for the muddled mess that third one is. Just because
you can fill the screen with a thousand computer-generated
electric squid doesn’t mean you should. I blame you for
taking formerly one-dimensional characters and making them
even shallower. J’Accuse!
An open letter to all film school geeks: just because you
read philosophy does not mean that you understand it. And
under no conditions are you allowed to make your characters
dress up in leather and latex and paraphrase The Bible, Nietzsche,
the Tao Te Ching, and One To Grow On. The Matrix: Revolutions
is chock full of pieces of dialogue that bong-smoking 19-year-olds
would find deep until the next morning when they wake up from
their cannabis-induced slumber and re-read their dream-journal.
“Love is a human emotion.”
“No, it’s a word.”
There were so many things wrong with this movie. Even with
lowered expectations, I was severely disappointed. The press
materials promised me a 20-minute sequence depicting Zion’s
last stand, as the human heroes battle a never-ending army
of sentinels. Okay, that sounds kind of neat. In reality,
though, the big action set piece is murky and cluttered, as
if the Wachowski brothers tried to distract the audience from
the lack of plot by putting a whole lot of shit into the frame.
But that’s not even my big problem with this sequence.
For 20 minutes, not a single star is on screen. Keanu Reeves.
Carrie-Anne Moss. Lawrence Fishburne. They all must have been
in their trailers reading Daily Variety that day. Remember
The Kid, that guy who followed Keanu around in the second
movie? No. Neither did I. But he’s the most important
character who appears in this sequence. Neo and Trinity were
probably off shagging each other blind, and by that point
Morpheus had been reduced to sitting in the co-pilot chair
next to Jada Pinkett-Smith and yelling out such gems as “Look
out!” and “Over there!” In other words, Morpheus
could have been played by Chewbacca, and no one would have
known the difference.
Speaking of stunt casting, it’s probably not news to
anyone reading this review that Gloria Foster, the actress
who played The Oracle in the first two Matrix films,
passed away during the shooting of the final two installments
and the filmmakers had to replace her with another actress.
So why did the Wachowski brothers choose to replace her with
another elderly African-American actress? Did they assume
that the audience just wouldn’t notice? That we wouldn’t
be able to tell the two of them apart? That’s kind of
offensive. Personally, I would have loved to have seen one
of the Queer Eye guys in that role.
“Neo, I know you’re the One but that black-on-black
look is so 1999. Just because you’re humanity’s
last hope doesn’t mean you can’t incorporate a little
color in your wardrobe!”
I don’t want to seem like I hated everything in The
Matrix: Revolutions. There were a couple of really good
parts.
Trinity Died.
And then so did Neo.
There may be no spoon, but there just might be a God.
**Update, The Matrix Revolutions
just achieved the highest grossing opening week of all time,
surpassing former record holder Lord of the Rings: Two
Towers. Okay, so there isn't a God. Keanu for Governor
in 2024!
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Abov
e: Keanu Reeves prays to Satan.
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