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Like most people, I was a big
fan of “Ocean’s Eleven.” So when “Ocean’s
Twelve” came out, spouting the tagline “Twelve is
the new Eleven,” I was somewhat optimistic about its
chances of being an amusing film. After seeing it, I am now
optimistic about it being somewhat amusing.
In the latest installment of the Ocean Series, we get to catch
up with our favorite band of merry thieves this side of Robin
Hood. Life finds the merry men a little bored and settling
into lives that aren’t as satisfying as they’d like
them to be. Lo and behold, Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia) comes
along, individually telling each thief that he wants his money
back. With interest. (Cue dramatic music.)
Since everyone’s all but spent their money, our friends
have no recourse but to get back together, and plan a heist
to pay back Terry Benedict. Led by Danny Ocean (George Clooney)
and Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt), the team is reassembled and put
back to work. Along the way, Rusty has to deal with an old
flame, Inspector Isabel Lahiri (Catherine Zeta-Jones), and
Danny has to deal with a rival thief Francois “Night
Fox” Toulour. Making matters more hilarious, Linus Caldwell
(Matt Damon) is ready to play a more significant role in their
scam.
I’d tell you the ending, but I think you can fill in
the blanks.
Oh, I forgot to say that the caper takes places in Amsterdam.
At first, I though they were going to roll some hookers and
highjack a tanker full of “space shakes,” and finish
it up with the theft of the last remaining marijuana plant
descended from the last crop grown by Benjamin Franklin. Now
that guy was a pothead.
You might ask what is different in this movie? How are the
fellas doing? Well, my only response is this: the more things
change, the more they stay the same. The plot is essentially
the same, if not more complicated. And this time around, instead
of George Clooney having a love interest, Brad Pitt has a
love interest. Unfortunately, it’s not Matt Damon. Supposedly,
he’s dating Bernie Mac.
Which brings me to the Hollywood insider jokes. In the movie,
Tess Ocean (Julia Roberts) is enlisted to help out the guys,
and it occurs to Linus Caldwell that Tess looks just like
Julia Roberts. As she tries to do her part, she is spotted
by Bruce Willis. The real Bruce Willis, not a fake one! Wow.
That’s one wacky wrinkle to throw into a heist movie.
No one could have seen that coming. I don’t mind the
Hollywood insider jokes. It’s just that I’ve heard
them all before, because I’m a Hollywood insider. Besides,
I find it somewhat annoying when the popular kids make little
jokes about their fancy, rich lives while poor slobs like
me resort to shoving our penises through the bottom of a bucket
of popcorn, in an misguided attempt to turn the the attention
away from a 30 foot tall George Clooney.
The only thing more annoying than the popular "cool"
celebrities making self-absorbed movies meant only for themselves
are the press junket appearances by all of these stars in
which they won't shut up about how much damn fun they had
making this movie. Movies aren't supposed to be that fun to
make. It's supposed to be hard work. Acting, research, dedication
to the craft, not a month of drunken Red Light District visits
by the cast in between much-publicized on-set hijinks (George
Clooney was the biggest prankster, as we hear again and again).
They all show up on the talk show circuit trying to be funny
(they're really not) and half heartedly promoting the movie
as if just the mere fact that all of these A-list celebs are
involved, people will automatically flock to the theater --
even though that's precisely what happened. I hate when the
popular kids are right.
Anyway, I should exclude the beautiful and talented Catherine
Zeta-Jones from this diatribe. You are smoking hot and infinitely
talented and made this movie enjoyable to watch. Call me when
the thing with that old guy eventually tanks.
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Above:
Big, famous movie stars appear in Ocean's Twelve
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