|
I am never having children. This is the
life-plan that I figured out after watching "The Secret
Lives of Dentists," directed by Alan Rudolph, written
by Craig Lucas and based on the novel by Jane Smiley.
I’m never getting married, I’m not going to “settle
down," and if some woman tries to convince me that the
squirming larvae in her lap is mine, I’m going to turn
the other way and run. I don’t care how much the little
fucker might look like me. After seeing the passive aggressive
bullshit that Campbell Scott and Hope Davis had to go through
just to make their tiny piece of suburbia work out for them
on a day-to-day basis, I can’t imagine settling down
with the white picket fence and some vomit machines running
around my ankles all day long.
The Secret Lives of Dentists tells the story of--
::
:**RING**
Hang on, that's the phone--
“Niederman?”
“Mom? Hi, listen, I’m in the middle of something
right now. And for the thousandth time, can you please call
me Mike?”
“What’s this I hear about you never having children?”
“How did you hear about that?”
“From that film review thing you do. I print all of
them out and put them on the fridge.”
“But, I haven’t finished writing it yet…”
“Sorry I read your diary. Why would you say something
like that?”
“It was a joke, Mom. That’s what I do. I see these
movies, and make fun of them by exploiting some kind of life
lesson that helps separate me from other, more professional
film critics.”
“I don’t find anything funny about denying me
grandchildren. Are you gay? It's okay if you're gay. I will
still love you. Just not as much.”
"I'm not gay."
"Your diary is filled with Keanu Reeves references."
"I'm not gay."
“Who’s on the phone?”
“Your son. He’s decided he's not having kids
while he pursues an alternative lifestyle."
“No, that’s not what I said!”
“Michael, this is your father. You just made your
mother cry. I realize that you think you’re a grown man
now and you can do what you want but as long as I'm paying
your college tuition, you will not have an alternative lifestyle.
“Mom, Dad, listen to me. I want to marry a woman and
I want to have children. Okay?”
“When? And what's this I hear about you having a diary?
Diaries are for sissies.”
“I dunno. I’ve got to get a girlfriend first. That’s
how it works, Dad.”
“Don’t talk to your father in that tone of voice.”
“Sorry. I’m under stress. I saw this movie that
was really good, you know? It was smart and funny and subtle
and original… and now, for the life of me, I can’t
think of how to write my review.
“What was the movie about?”
“Well, there’s Campbell Scott who plays a dentist,
and he’s married to Hope Davis, who also plays a dentist.
They have a dental practice and three young daughters together.
But Campbell Scott suspects his wife of having an affair.
And he’s afraid of confronting her with his suspicions,
because he basically feels that not knowing is better than
knowing. And so he spends the entire movie building up the
courage to confront her, all while imagining what her affair
must be like.”
“And this is supposed to be funny?”
“It kind of is. Denis Leary is, especially.”
“Who’s Denis Leary?”
“He’s that Irish comedian who smokes all the time.”
“I don’t like him. So he plays the guy the wife
is sleeping with?”
“No, he’s just an ornery dental patient. But he’s
also Cambpell Scott’s conscience. Like a chain-smoking
devil on his shoulder.”
“So how does this movie end?”
“You’re just going to have to see it for yourself.”
“I don’t go to the movies.
“Thank you for validating my career choice.”
“What career? You review movies for some web site
that pays you with t-shirts and broken promises.When are you
going to go out and get yourself a real job? You’re not
a kid anymore. We have to lie to the neighbors. They think
you're studying for law school."
“Thanks Mom. Listen, I have to go finish this. My editor
is a real asshole.”
“Mike?
"Yes?"
Don’t write us into your review again. It’s
a cheap device that doesn’t work.
“I love you too. Go see "The Secret Lives of Dentists.
And please stop reading my diary."
|
|
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
