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When I first started writing
for BFA, I remember my editor and mentor, Scott H. Leva (himself),
pulled me aside and gave me some advice. “Sam,”
he said. “You’re marginally talented and about as
attractive as the ass-end of a manatee, so I need to tell
you something.”
I leaned forward, wondering what pearls of wisdom he was about
to bestow upon me.
“You use the word ‘fuck’ way too much. It’s
really amateurish. Stop doing that. And my secretary thinks
you’re a creep. Apparently, you’ve been sniffing
personal items she leaves on her desk. Quit doing that.”
“Sorry,” I replied.
“Good. Now get out of my fucking office."
After seeing “Team America: World Police,” the latest
comedic effort by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, I finally understood
what exactly my genius editor was trying to say to me. As
an avid fan of the South Park franchise they created, I am
pained to say it, but “Team America: World Police”
wasn’t that funny.
Perhaps my high hopes did me in. Or maybe it was utterly
uncreative use of the word “fuck” and a myriad of
other scatological references, some of which I can't even
mention on THIS website. Somehow, the whole thing just seemed
to ring a bit hollow.
The plot is not that complicated, which is good because I
could follow it. So could my new girlfriend, despite her sloping
forehead and protruding brow (I met her on Matchmaker).
Essentially, there’s a terrorist plot by that kooky
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il and Team America has got
to stop it. Along the way, dipshit Hollywood actors chime
in about war, Michael Moore does something stupid (again)
and of course, Team America (i.e. The United States of America)
goes around blowing the shit out of everything that kind of
threatens democracy and freedom.
Typically, the strength in Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s
humor is not only its sophomoric joie de vivre (I'm in the
French word-of-the-month club), but the fact that they keep
the scales balanced. “Team America: World Police”
just stumbled along providing some funny moments, eventually
getting lost between a puke scene and a man-marionette-on-man-marionette
blowjob.
I will say this: two marionettes should be allowed to do whatever
they want on a 30-foot movie screen. When the “Team America:
World Police” was initially slapped with a NC-17 rating,
the decision by these MPAA idiots sent shockwaves through
the industry. What’s a matter fellas? Afraid of two naked,
glistening marionettes expressing their forbidden love for
one another? Are you scared other impressionable marionettes
will start teabagging in supermarkets, parks and on the tabletops
of restaurants? Me too. But I’m scared in a titillated
kind of way. Therefore, it shan’t be forbidden! Not now!
Not ever!
In this crazy mixed up world, I thought I could rely on Trey
and Matt to deliver the goods on some funny. They didn’t.
I was left confused and alone with my new, slightly-retarded
girlfriend.
But then I remembered something. There are three types of
people in the world: dicks, pussies and assholes. The pussies
don’t like dicks, because dicks fuck pussies. But dicks
can also fuck assholes. And sometimes, dicks go around fucking
too much, so pussies have to tell them to ease up.
This is straight from the movie, I swear. Please don't fire
me, Mr. Leva.
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Above:
"Team America: World Police"
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