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To be perfectly honest, I’ve
always been a little skeptical of the Trojan War. I mean,
the fact that the whole thing was fought over the tastiest
piece of ass the world has ever known is pretty realistic.
But that dude Achilles? He’s a bit much.
You know what I think really happened? I think King Menelaus
and couple of his Greek buddies, one of whom was his brother
King Agamemnon, were hanging out at a bar and bumped into
like ten Trojans. One of the Trojans, "Paris," got
drunk and hit on Menelaus’ girlfriend. He was all like,
“Yo baby, drop the zero and get with the hero.”
Helen gave Paris a hummer in the bathroom and next thing you
know, the Greeks wanted to jump the Trojans in the parking
lot. The problem was that the Trojans were pretty badass and
Helen went home with that Paris dude. So the Greeks went and
got Achilles and he was like, “Whatever. I just likes
to fight!” The next thing you know, some fruity poet
writes down the story and it becomes this epic battle between
nations, fought for love and power. Leave it to the fruity
poet to fuck up the details.
But then, what’s not to like about a gladiator movie?
There's plenty of fighting for the guys. The girls (and the
fruity poets) get to see buff bodies. Despite the discernible
homo-erotic undertones, there was still a lot of really cool
killing with flaming arrows, long spears and stout swords.
I could explain the love story to you. I could recap the entire
plot from the Illiad. But I won’t. Quite frankly, I’m
little aggravated I had to to read the Cliffnotes in high
school when the kids of today can go to the local google-o-plex
and watch the movie.
Here's the plot: This princely weasel named Paris (Orlando
Bloom) starts banging Helen (Diane Kruger) during his visit
to Sparta. They fall in love, but I think it was something
much more than that, i.e., hot, steamy sex, with the possibility
of a some "Greek action" and role playing. Most
likely, Paris took an oar to the rear. At any rate, Paris
smuggles Helen to Troy. King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson), Helen’s
husband, gets pissed and calls his brother, King Agamemnon
(Brian Cox). Menelaus is all like, “Yo, Aggie. Dat be-otch
Paris took my ‘ho. Agamemnon was all like, “I got
yo’ ass, brother.” And off they went.
Then there was a big freaking war. A war where men were killed
while wearing leather skirts. Very short leather skirts and
yes, they were "going commando."
Ultimately, the movie stopped being about Helen and Paris.
It started being about Brad Pitt… I mean Achilles and
Hector (Eric Bana). But then the movie stopped being about
them and was just about Brad Pitt. He seems like a super duper
nice guy and I'm sure the movie executives realized that during
rewrite sessions. "Hey Brad, show us your pouty look.
Good. Now show us 'pensive.' Nice. And finally, can you show
us a little bit of “sexy-danger?” You are the best.
Jennifer Aniston is so lucky.
Nevertheless, there were two things that kept my interest
in the movie: the eventual showdown between Hector and Achilles,
and several very well-filmed scenes. Unfortunately, the ol’
Trojan Horse bit was predictable. I saw that coming a mile
away. You’d think the Trojans had never heard of a Trojan
Horse before.
The fact of the matter is that if I could understand a word
of the book, I would say the book was better than the movie.
Since I’m barely literate and easily entertained, I’d
say go see the movie. Or better yet, buy the Cliffnotes.
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Above:
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and hair extensions but still looks
cool. Lucky bastard.
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