Dear
......
Mr. Pitt
Brad
Bradley
Recently Single Hottie
You Poor, Sweet Man
Potential Sugar Daddy
Father of My Bastard
Child
,
I just wanted to write you to tell you how
....
saddened
thrilled
surprised
moist
I was when I learned about your recent breakup with that
......
whore
ungrateful bitch
cheater
washed up TV star
soon to be irrevelant
, Jennifer Aniston. She obviously
.....
is on drugs
took your love
for granted
is lousy in the sack
doesn't go downtown
doesn't appreciate
you
is
barren and too old to have kids
or maybe it's her
.....
small breasts
constant lying
bipolar disorder
stupid "friends"
shitty acting
that caused the breakup. No matter how
.....
depressing
lonely
sexless
sad and pathetic
fucking great
you are right now, it will get better, I promise. Especially
if you
.....
start dating again
meet someone nice
use and degrade me
call me immediately
decide looks
aren't important
. If you ever need
.....
a shoulder to cry on
a good friend
a late night booty
call
an anonymous blowjob
I would be there for you. I realize we've never actually met,
but I'm your
....
biggest fan
greatest fan
cheapest date
biggest BBW
of all time. If you're curious about me, I'm
....
tall
attractive
smart
interesting
funny
disease free
bendy
ugly but lovable
, and love to
....
be around kids
stay home and cuddle
watch Sportscenter
dress up like Jennifer
get all
naked and, you know...
join fight clubs
follow you
around in my car
go "downtown"
and I can't stand
......
mindgames
Hollywood types
non-Hollywood types
small breasted
actresses
commitment
having
an orgasm before the man
. By the way, I absolutely loved you so much in
.....
Fight Club
Seven
Legends of the Fall
Thelma and Louise
Ocean's Eleven
and I think you DEFINITELY should have won an Academy Award
for your work in
.....
Meet Joe Black
-- I'm serious!
Troy -- I'm serious!
Full Frontal
-- I'm serious!
Snatch -- I'm serious!
I know I'm just
.....
a total stranger
another fan
an out of work
waitress
a potential booty
call
three
anonymous holes to explore
but sometimes its helpful to
.....
talk about your
feelings
jump back on the
horse
get
away from the media spotlight
spend
lots of money at Tiffany's
hire Robert
Blake to kill Jen
. We can
....
talk
laugh
grab a drink
go shopping
say mean things
about Jen
make fun of
David Schwimmer
screw like wild
animals
whereever and whenever you want. I will listen to you and not
.....
judge you
mount you
critique your acting
blame you for anything
steal money
from your wallet
stay for breakfast
and maybe I can eventually become
......
your friend
your lover
the mother of
your kids
your footstool
. I wish you nothing but
......
the best
continued success
revenge
happiness
my legs
wrapped around your neck
......
Love
Sincerely
Yours
Shamelessly
Tie me up
,
PS: Please say
....
hi
hello
howdy
thanks for last
night
fuck off
to
....
George Clooney
Angelina Jolie
all your fancy
friends
your beautiful
penis
.
PPS: Oh yeah, and I also have this friend
and
....
he
she
loves
......
your movies
your talent
threesomes
foursomes
and also wouldn't mind
......
making you feel
better
hanging out
joining in
beating you up
making you cry
going "downtown"