Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.




  These are actual emails from actual people. Please forgive us and enjoy!

On this next set-up, I decided to email a rising young band somewhere in the Southeast. This band is loud and heavy and clearly looking to make a name for itself. I wanted to test their egos by offering them a gig for my 10 year old son's birthday celebration. Of course, I don't have a son...or a soul. Enjoy!


From:####828@yahoo.com | Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2002 11:23:22 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###band@aol.com

Hi there!

I have a possible gig in mind for High C. We are throwing a birthday party for my son in late May and we would love to have High C perform at the party. He saw a show of yours and hasn't been able to shut up about how great it was. It would really mean a lot to him if the band played at his birthday party. It would surely be his best birthday yet.

Hope we can put something together,

Fred Hewson (THAT'S ME --SHIZZY)

From: ###band@aol.com | Date: Tue, 5 Mar 2002 09:03:44 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ####828@yahoo.com

Hey Fred.

I'm sure we'll be able to help you out but we have just a couple of questions about this opportunity first.

Where is the party?
When is the party?
What is the age group of expected guests?
How many people are expected?
How long do you expect High C to play?
Once we have this information and anything else you can tell us, we'll get back to you ASAP. We really appreciate the support shown to us and would love to help out a dedicated fan any way we can. Thanks for contacting us!

Brandy
High C Manager

From: ####828@yahoo.com | Date: Weds, 6 Mar 2002 07:14:12 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###band@aol.com

Hi Brandy!

We are planning on having the party some time in late May. We would like to have it on our estate, which is in Norcross near I-85. The band can perform on the patio behind our house. We are expecting about a hundred people of all ages to attend the party. My son is 10 and most of his friends are around the same age. I would like for the band to play an hour long set with the happy birthday song half-way through. At that time I am wondering if it would be possible for the lead singer to present my son with a birthday cake.

I hope we can make this happen,

Fred

From: L####band@aol.com | Date: Thu, 7 Mar 2002 14:39:13 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###828@yahoo.com

Hey Fred!

I've talked to the band and they would love to play for your son's birthday party. There are a couple of logistics to work out. You can call me at ###-575-0569 if you would like to speak in person or we can just work things out via email. Either way is fine with me! Couple more questions....Is the party inside or outside? If inside, how big is the room we'd be playing in? Will the band be performing on a raised platform or level with the ground, on cement or grass or etc.? Do you mind if the band puts their own spin on the birthday song (ie play a guitar rock version or do you want the happy birthday song as close to the traditional song as possible? How much money will you pay the band for the performance? What day is the party? What is your son's name? Will any other bands be playing before or after us? And eventually we'll need your address of course. The band will play for 1 hour as requested with the birthday song halfway through the set. Thanks for the opportunity! We'll do our best to make this a great birthday for him.

Talk to you later.

Brandy

High C Manager

From:####828@yahoo.com | Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 06:24:10 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###band@aol.com

Brandy,

I would be willing to pay the band 1100.00 dollars to perform at the party. I haven't done this before so if that is grossly underpaying the band let me know. We have plenty of outlets available on the large patio we have outside of the house. My wife and I were discussing the band and the birthday party and we ran into something unexpectedly. Now I don't know what kind of language is used in High C's songs and frankly I don't mind profanity. My wife on the other hand is very religious and she would like to know if there are any lyrics promoting Satanic rituals and the like in High C's music. If there are, I am afraid we would have a problem. If not, then things can move forward. My wife also would like for the band to wear shirts that symbolize the hobbies our son enjoys. One person could wear a shirt with someone playing baseball in it, another could wear a shirt with Wolverine of the X-Men on it. My son is an avid collector of X-Men cards. We also like the idea of the lead singer presenting a birthday cake during the happy birthday song. A rock version of the song sounds great. We have a friend who is going to bake a cake with the members of High C and the X-Men on the cake together. I hope we can make this happen.

Talk to you soon,

Fred

From: L####band@aol.com | Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 14:45:10 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###828@yahoo.com

Hi Fred -

$1100 is a fair price and is fine with the band. We understand your wife's concerns but rest assured High C music does not promote Satanic rituals or anything of the sort. Most of the songs are about love gained or lost, finding yourself, letting go of things....generic emotional topics of that sort.

There is ONE song that the band usually performs which is a cover of another band called Tool. It uses the f*** word in it once or twice but we would be willing to switch that word out with another if it would please your wife.

Regarding the presentment of the birthday cake by the lead singer.....High C is comprised of four member who all play an instrument. The lead vocalist also plays lead guitar so I'm not sure how he can play, sing, and present the cake at the same time. Joe, the singer, would definitely recognize your son's birthday before and after the song vocally and any other ideas you or your wife may have would certainly be entertained by the band. Joe even mentioned bringing a signed picture and a free CD if your son doesn't already have it. High C realizes this is your son's day and will do whatever they can to make it special for him.

And lastly, I approached the band about your wife's request that they wear shirts representing the hobbies your son is interested in. Honestly the band would rather not do this and would like to wear their own stage outfits. They are not trying to be difficult but "image" is a very sensitive subject when it comes to musicians. The guys in the band are very concious about what kind of band they come across as on stage and they feel wearing clothing that promotes products, movies, or things of that nature could be detrimental. Let me know if this is a show stopper but we hope it's not! We really want this to happen also! Thanks so much! Have a nice weekend!

Brandy

High C Manager

From:####828@yahoo.com | Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 11:19:24 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###band@aol.com

Brandy,

My wife and I are actually going through a divorce and she is hell bent on screwing up any plans I have for the party. I am willing to pay $1200.00 dollars to have the band play. The problem is that my wife is dead set on having the members of the band wear the shirts displaying our son's hobbies. She also wants the band to play a few Monkees cover songs and to allow Toby, her son from her first marriage who suffers from autism, to play the drums during one song. She promises that these would be her only demands. If there is any way that we can still make this work please let me know.

Thanks,

Fred

From: L####band@aol.com | Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 08:33:35 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###828@yahoo.com

Fred,

I'm really sorry your wife is trying to screw the plans up but there is no way that High C can fulfill her requests no matter how much money is involved! We REALLY wanted to do this for your son and hate that she doesn't understand that High C is NOT a party band.
High C mentioned that they would wear some of his other favorite band shirts which they may already own but they won't wear baseball and X-men shirts. The band really doesn't have enough time to learn any cover songs due to the fact they are in the stuido right now recording a new demo album and all their energy is focused on that and writing new original songs. And regarding the drum set...can't do that either. Our drummer is playing on a brand new $6000 DW kit and he won't let anyone touch it. Plus, playing in tempo and with 3 other people takes practice. His kit is also abnormally large and not suited for a younger person.

We usually don't fill these kind of requests and we are making an exception for your son because we believe in helping people and want this to be a special day for him as well as the band. Have you thought about maybe having two separate bands there? We might could even recommend a cover band to play after us to keep the music going throughout the party. A cover band that is for hire for parties and already know the cover tunes can do any songs asked of them but High C simply cannot. I apologize and hope there is some middle ground you and her can reach so that we can make this happen for all involved. Please do contact us if something can be worked out either way we appreciate the offer and if you give us your address we will send your son a birthday card and some High C merchandise for his birthday.

Thanks!
Brandy
High C Manager

From:####828@yahoo.com | Date: Thurs, 14 Mar 2002 12:03:12 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###band@aol.com

Brandy,

I had a serious sit down with my wife and I told her what the deal was. She now realizes that it was foolish to demand such things from High C and I think she is starting to come around. So, no having Toby play the drums, no hobby shirts, and no Monkee cover songs. I hope that this will make the gig easier to plan knowing there won't be those distractions.

There is one thing that she says she just would love for the band to do. Her family is coming in from Minnesota and they are big time Christians. Her father was in the glee club in college where he actually got perform at the White House for President Truman. She would love to have High C play "Amazing Grace" with her father singing vocals. She assures me that all musicians know how to play the song and that her 75 year old dad still has a great voice.

We have also taken seriously your recommendation of hiring another band to play the party. We have actually been able to rent the entire set of Chuck E. Cheese performing animal robots to open up for High C. Some friends of ours from Buckhead are managers of the restaurant and had the spare set in their basement. I can't wait to see it. Brandy, we have been talking for a couple of weeks and I can tell that we both want this to happen. I hope we still can.

Sincerely,

Fred

From: L####band@aol.com | Date: Fri, 15 Mar 2002 06:31:31 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###828@yahoo.com

Hey Fred!

Glad to hear that your wife is being more understanding! There should be no problems at all with the band providing music for her father to sing over. The band is going to do their best to learn Amazing Grace as requested. If it turns out they can't learn it in time (or it doesn't sound so good) we will have a copy of Amazing Grace (with no lyrics) on a CD ready to play through our CD player and equipment that will be set up. It'll sound even better than the band playing it I'm sure so I hope that is OK with her. High C has never played any gospel before :+)) Of course, her father can just sing into our microphone. I suggest he sing before High C goes on sometime and not during the middle of their show because the two types of music will certainly clash. Anyway, the guys are really excited and can't wait to play the party. Let me know how you want to proceed because the band will definitely do the party if you still want them.

Thanks!

Brandy

High C Manager

From:####828@yahoo.com | Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 03:21:22 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###band@aol.com

Brandy,

Over this past weekend there was an unfortunate incident involving my teenaged nephew Darren. He was caught smoking pot at his high school and was suspended for the rest of the year. This has had quite an effect on our son and we feel that a drug free message should be sent loud and clear on his birthday. So, if any of the members of the band are addicted to drugs I would ask that they please not use during the party. Also, it just so happens that a friend of ours is a DARE officer and he has agreed to give a talk to the kids at the party. I agree with you that "Amazing Grace" would clash with High C's performance. So, as we have it planned so far, we have Sammy The Magic Clown performing for the children first. Next, there will be a half hour speech by DARE officer Frank DeFazio. Quickly following the speech we will activate the Chuck E. Cheese animal robot band which will perform the happy birthday song and a song having something to do with the birthday boy being number 1. Then we would like to have my wife's father sing "Amazing Grace" and possibly "God Bless America" depending on how his voice holds up. Then finally in a grand finale we would like for High C to rock the party for a one hour set. After the performance it would really mean alot to the kids if the members of High C would pose for pictures and sign autographs for the children. I would love to have a picture of Officer DeFazio, my wife's father, the clown, the Chuck E. Cheese band, and High C all together with my son as he holds an American flag with his birthday hat on. This is shaping up to be one hell of a birthday. I would like to set a date so if you could tell me what Saturday in late May the band is free to perform then we can organize the rest of the party.

Thanks,

Fred

From: L####band@aol.com | Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 09:45:19 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###828@yahoo.com

Hi Fred,

I'm sorry about the pot incident this weekend. It's a shame but that stuff is everywhere! The band doesn't endorse, consume, or support drug use and will have nothing of the like at the party. The entire band fully intends to pose for any pictures, sign autographs and generally just talk to everyone and mingle. I agree that this party is going to be the best he's had yet! The band is free on every Saturday in May so you tell us which date and we'll reserve it for the party. We'll take care of the PA and the music for God Bless America and Amazing Grace. Thanks a bunch! Talk to ya soon.

Brandy
High C Manager

From:####828@yahoo.com | Date: Tues, 19 Mar 2002 01:21:22 EST Subject: Re: Possible gig. To: ###band@aol.com

Brandy,

Over the weekend we came up with a great idea. A friend of mine's wife is a stripper, and she says that at many of the birthday parties she works they have her pop out of the top of a giant birthday cake. She said she knows of a company that makes giant cakes that could fit eight people inside. What we would like to do is have the Chuck E. Cheese animal robot band and High C inside the cake ready to break out once the signal is given. Also, my wife's aunt is a drama teacher and she has a great idea for the party that we just have to incorporate. She wants to organize a small production of "Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" starring all of the members of High C, myself, my wife, and her father. I have to admit I find this to be very exciting. I was in several productions of Hamlet while in college and I would love to get the chance to act again. High C won't be expected to know many lines. Maybe four a piece. It will be a small part of the musical that we will be performing for the kids. How does that sound? Things are really getting exciting! Fred

P.S. Our neighbors run a pony ride business near Lake Lanier and they have agreed to bring some of the horses down for the party. Free pony rides for High C! Yes!

Ha Ha...very funny. Hook, line, and sinker. The guys are going to be devastated that they're not getting $1200 bucks!!!! To whom have I been conversing with?

Brandy

Who you ask? BOB FROM ACCOUNTING!!

You guys remember Bob Jones University? Well it's been in the news for years because it's one of those racist schools in the South that hides behind a strict religious code of quasi ethics, doesn't allow interracial dating and well they deserve the full Shizzy treatment, don't ya think? I happened to do this one last year but it's so funny the editors asked me to post it.

>Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2001 09:01:24 -0500
> From: "Joey Canale Sr." <w#####@yahoo.com> (THAT'S ME, SHIZZY!!)
> To: <"Wayne Bley" <w#####@bju.edu>

>Dear Admissions at Bob Jones University:

> I've heard a lot about you guys in the news, and I
> think you'd be the perfect school for my son. But I need to know If
> you're as strict as the media had made you out to be. (the press
> tends to be a tool of the left wing in this country.) I'll start my
> son on the path toward admissions at Bob Jones if I know you can
> handle him.
>
> Joe jr is a sophomore in high school right now, and is real hard to
> manage. First off he's running aroud with a bunch of friends and
> staying out all night and drinking and stuff. But that's not the
> worst part. The worst is, I think he's turning gay. I can't be sure of this, but
> he's always going out camping this one friend of his,
> and both of them act kind of faggy, if you know what I'm saying.

>I don't think Joe Jr. is really gay himself, it's just that in public school they let all types in,
> and I think even some of the teachers there are pounding some kind of
> gay agenda into his head.
>
> That's why I need him to attend a school with a tightly controlled
> environment such as yours. But I have to ask, do you have a non-gay
> policy? I heard you closely monitor male-female dating situations,
> but how do you monitor male-male interaction? I'm assuming being a
> Christian university, that nobody on your faculty is homo, right?
>
> Finally, what do you require on SAT's and grade point average for
> getting Joe Jr. into your school? He doesn't know I'm writing you,
> but I figure I might be able to steer him on the right course,
> academically at least.
>
> Thanks,
>
 Joseph Canale Sr.

Here is the response:

> Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2001 09:01:24 -0500
> From: "Wayne Bley" <#####@bju.edu>
> To: <#####@yahoo.com>
> Subject: Re: a few questions


> Thanks for your interest in BJU.
> We certainly have rules here, but not nearly as strict as a military
> bootcamp. We are not a reform school, on the other hand.
>
> Regarding the issue of homosexuality, we believe that God in
> Leviticus 18 makes it very clear that homosexuality is an abomination.
> If a male student make overt advances or remarks regarding his
> homosexuality, he would be expelled.
> I trust this helps with you decision,

>Wayne A. Bley
> Admissions

This time, we emailed him back, as Joe Jr., the allegedly gay son, snooping in his fathers email.


To: ####@bju.edu
From:####@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2001 07:03:16
Subject: Re: a few questions

Dear Wayne:

I know this might be snooping, but this is Joey Canale Jr., and I just ran
across these messages when I was looking through my fathers email. I just want
you to know that I AM NOT GAY! Please try to disregard my fathers email and his
comments. He's been having a hard time lately since mom left him, and he's
always accusing me of doing stuff like drinking (I don't) and being a big homo(I'm
not. Just because I like going camping with David, and like wrestling him for
fun, doesn't mean I'm gay.)

Please, I hope his email won't put a black mark on my good name, won't brand me
as a fag and prevent me from attending Bob Jones, something I very much want to
do. I have a 78 average, and recently posted a pretty good score on a PSAT.
Please email me back at my email address - #####@yahoo.com -
and please don't tell my father I was snooping in his email.
And, please, forget all of this gay stuff

thanks,
Joey Canale Jr.

And Joe Jr. got this response from Bob Jones University.


--- Wayne Bley <####@bju.edu> wrote:
> Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 10:23:56 -0500
> From: "Wayne Bley" <####@bju.edu>
> To: <j####@yahoo.com>
> Subject: BJU
>
> Joey,
> Several things here.
>
> First, we always keep things confidential and second, we double check
> things. Thus, don't worry about your dad's comments.
>
> However, I am concerned on another level. To use your own words
> "please don't tell my father I was snooping in his email." This is a
> great concern and while I won't mention this to your dad, it is an
> integrity issue for you. Something to consider.
>
> Sincerely,
> Wayne A. Bley

Finally, isn’t it time that Mr. Bley heard from David, the alleged homosexual lover?


Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 11:21:48 -0800
From: "David Larson" <asspirate@####.com>
To: ####@bju.edu
Subject: Recent correspondance with Joe Canale

Dear Mr. Wayne Bley:

I understand you have been corresponding lately with a very close, dear friend
of mine, Joey Canale Jr. My name is David Larson, and I am a close, close
friend of his, and I am rather concerned.
I must be blunt. Joey is not right for your institution. His father, that
bitter, redneck drunk, is trying to force Joey to go your school, to try to
force him to be something he is not.
I am in love with Joey. If he goes to your institution he will be torn from me.
I will do anything in my power not to lose him. And that includes letting you
know this: Joey IS a drinker, and a dope smoker, regardless of what he has told
you, these things are true, because I have done such things with him.
As to the most important issue: Joey is a very confused young man, and I am
trying to help him out with this. Joey and I have not been intimate yet -
indeed Joey is unaware that he wants to be intimate- but we have shared a
sleeping bag on many occasions. Indeed, I can feel his desire every time we wrestle.
He cannot and will not go to Bob Jones University, and I will do everything I can to stop him.

Your truly,
David Larson

P.S. Joey does not know I am writing you - Please take his file and throw it away.


Here is the last response from Bob Jones University:

Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 07:44:27 -0500
From: "Wayne Bley" <####@bju.edu>
To: <####@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: a few questions

Dear Mr Canale Sr.

I am not certain what is going on but I think you need to know what your son's friend,
David Larson, sent to me. I think it would be better if your son picked another school.

I understand you have been corresponding lately with a very close, dear friend
of mine, Joey Canale Jr. My name is David Larson, and I am a close, close
friend of his, and I am rather concerned.
I must be blunt. Joey is not right for your institution. His father, that
bitter, redneck drunk, is trying to force Joey to go your school, to try to
force him to be something he is not.
I am in love with Joey. If he goes to your institution he will be torn from me.
I will do anything in my power not to lose him. And that includes letting you
know this: Joey IS a drinker, and a dope smoker, regardless of what he has told
you, these things are true, because I have done such things with him.
As to the most important issue: Joey is a very confused young man, and I am
trying to help him out with this. Joey and I have not been intimate yet -
indeed Joey is unaware that he wants to be intimate- but we have shared a
sleeping bag on many occasions. Indeed, I can feel his desire every time we wrestle.
He cannot and will not go to Bob Jones University, and I will do everything I can to stop him.

Your truly,
David Larson

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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