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Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.




  These are actual emails from actual people...plus Shizzy.  Please forgive us and enjoy!

My Peeps,

Here's a new correspondence that you're sure to love: Yours truly pretends to be involved in a bit of pre-production work for a commercial shoot in the Windy City. I contact an in-line skating instructor and try to get him to be a part of the shoot. He soon finds himself in the twisted world of Shizzy. When will people learn???

SHIZZY

Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 10:38:02 -0700 (PDT) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: In line skating To: xxxx@xxxx.net

Hi.

We are shooting a commercial at Navy Pier in two weeks and we really need a skilled in-line skater to appear in the commercial.

If you are interested please contact me soon.

Frank Shizworth (THAT'S ME OF COURSE)

From: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net> |To: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 13:12:14 -0500

Frank,

Let me know what you have in mind!

Albert Conte

Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 11:53:04 -0700 (PDT) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: In line skating To: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net>

Albert,


We need someone to skate around Navy Pier for two hours while we film. No stunts, no tricks, just skating. We need to shoot someone in-line skating as a backdrop to the commercial. Two hours worth of shooting is so we can get the most aesthetically pleasing seven to ten seconds of skating. You will have a partner. Her name is Tina and she happens to be my sister. She's from Itasca and has been in-line skating for years. Have you done any work in commercials before? Will the shoot take away from time at your job? Also, if you could tell me a little about yourself I would appreciate it. No big deal, just where you're from, what hobbies you have etc.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Frank

From: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net> To: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 10:10:02 -0500

Frank,

I've skated several times for the MSN Butterfly promotions. That was not specifically for TV, though we did get lots of camera shots including some news spots. My work schedule is very flexible. I've been skating for about 8 years. I'm a certified instructor. I'm a licensed therapist. I'm an attorney. I present seminars on communication skills. I was a kid in Chicago and am living here again now. I spent a big chunk of time in NYC. I like to travel....starting to feel like a personal ad.

Let me know if there's anything else you'd like to know.

Albert

Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 12:48:24 -0700 (PDT) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: In line skating To: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net>

Albert,

Thanks for the info Albert. Our director wants to get the best footage possible. You will be asked to hold hands and maybe hug Tina a little bit. Would you be comfortable doing this? You'll be playing a couple enjoying each other's company on a beautiful Chicago day. Even if it's a nasty day they can make it appear beautiful with tricky editing. A couple more questions for you. How old are you? How tall are you? How much do you weigh? Would it be possible for you to skate with a dog on a leash? Would you be comfortable with a saying a line or two? We're still writing the script for the ad at this time. We are getting closer to making things official.

Get back to me soon.

Frank

From: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net> To: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 14:59:36 -0500

I would be comfortable hugging and otherwise playing a couple. I have led a dog while on skates, though it has been quite a while. I would expect the dog you use to have some experience with skates as well. I've been on stage, so I would be comfortable doing lines.

I'm about 5' 11", about 190lbs, 49 y.o.

Albert

Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 14:17:26 -0700 (PDT) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating To: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net>

Albert,

We are looking at dogs right now for the shoot. As an in-line skater do you think it would be easier to work with a smaller or bigger dog? Would it be easier for you to skate with a lab or say a Jack Russell terrier? Also, are you okay with wearing all of the appropriate safety gear? Helmet, knee pads, etc? Some people complain that it restricts movement, but we have to have them in the commercial. Big trouble if we didn't. Sorry about all the questions, but they are a necessary part of pre-production work.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Frank

From: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net> To: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 18:04:41 -0500

Frank,

Size of the dog is less of an issue than its temperament. You've mentioned two of my favorite breeds. Yellow lab that is. If neither of them is conditioned to the skates, then the Jack would be a bit easier for me to restrain should it decide to make for the waves.

I would have no problem with the protective gear; I wear it normally. I would personally prefer to be part of a presentation that includes the gear. You had mentioned work schedule. I neglected to mention I will be out of town from Thurs 10/31 til Sun 11/3. Hope that does not put a cramp in your scheduling needs.

Albert

Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 17:10:15 -0700 (PDT) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: In line skating To: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net>

Albert,

I just got an email from the director. Our ad agency is launching this whole new campaign with the Chicago shoot being the first step. That means that this commercial will be used as the lead in to seven more in the product push. EXCITING STUFF! I want to make sure that you are 100% sure you want to be in the commercial. This isn't the most flattering product, but I can't think of an easier way to make quick bucks and to be on TV. Everyone that has appeared in previous ads for the product has said the embarrassment factor turned out to be non-existent after broadcast. No scheduled shooting for your days out of town. You mentioned you do seminars in communications skills. Would you like to do a small speaking part? I'll be up all night planning and organizing.

Get back to me soon,

Frank

From: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net> To: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating Date: Sat, 26 Oct 2002 08:20:31 -0500

Hey Frank,

Sounds exciting. I'm certainly interested and open to doing the spot, doing others, doing lines as called upon. Are you talking about traveling me to other locations for more shooting? I'm open to that as well.
You ask if I am "100% certain" I want to be in the commercial. You haven't mentioned what the pay is. That would certainly play a part in my level of certainty. So, how much are we talking for how much from me? Since you think it might make a difference, what is this "not the most flattering" product?
I was out last night and will be out most of today, tonight and tomorrow. I'll check email and get back to you as quickly as I am able. If it's easier, give me your phone number and we can talk on the phone.

[if you're considering a speaking part, you'd probably like to hear me anyway, right?]

Albert

Date: Sat, 26 Oct 2002 10:59:14 -0700 (PDT) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: In line skating To: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net>

Albert,

I want to call you, but I'm unable to use the phone. I was playing raquetball on Wednesday and I got thrown into a wall. I nearly bit my tongue off! I'm okay but, I can barely move my mouth. Painkillers help though. Anyway, I can't believe I forgot to tell you about the product. It is a new product put out by Valtrex that combats genital herpes flare ups. Not too glamorous, but it will be worth your while. Judging from past shoots you would probably be making well over 1,000 dollars just for the three-hour shoot at Navy Pier. If you agree to do a speaking part we're talking about 10,000 to 15,000 dollars. The speaking part will amount to something like,"Thanks Valtrex" or "Thanks to Valtrex, my life's back on track." If this shoot goes well there is a good possibility that you could become a regular in future ads. Possibly even future ad campaigns. Many people want to be in commercials, but only as a stepping stone to get into movies. Once you've been in a Valtrex commercial, movies probably aren't in your future. But for someone looking to make some money and maybe make a career doing more commercials, this would be a great opportunity. Hope you aren't scared off. Get back to me when you can.

Thanks Albert.

Frank

From: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net> To: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 08:14:23 -0600

Not scared off at all. Let me know what the next step is.

Hope you're feeling better fast; I'm guessing that not being able to speak would be "killing" someone in your position.

Albert

Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 08:08:31 -0800 (PST) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: In line skating To: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net>

Hi Albert.

You're right, my injury is a big inconvenience. I thank you for taking the time to correspond in this fashion. I appreciate it. I had to give my sister some bad news today. She's out. The director emailed me this morning and said Valtrex wanted to change some things about the commercial. Now the target audience is the gay community. There are many gay men out there with herpes. Valtrex hopes that this ad campaign will help the gay community embrace the product. This means you will be partnered up with a man to skate with for the shoot. The same drill as before with some cuddling and holding hands, but you won't be asked to kiss each other. You might be asked to wear clothes that I can only describe as gay-skater style. Cut off shirt, pink skates, fanny pack, water wings, pacifier, and Maxim hair color. I know this is a different dynamic than we discussed before, but commercial shoots are usually hectic like this. Hope you're still up for it.

Get back to me when you can.

Frank

From: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net> To: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: In line skating Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 10:21:29 -0600

Frank,

I know several gay skaters; from Chicago, New York, California, Canada, South Beach. None of them dress at all like what you have described.

If the director is not interested in offending the entire gay community, s/he might want to do a bit more research.

Albert

Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 11:31:48 -0800 (PST) From: "Frank Shizworth" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: In line skating To: "ALBERT CONTE" <xxxx@xxx.net>

Al baby, pisan, amigo,

No worries. I have passed along your concerns to the director and he has made a change regarding wardrobe for the shoot. You will now be shirtless. Your partner will be wearing a hardhat and some pasties for his nips. You'll both be wearing yellow thong speedos with bananas on them. While you skate down the pier you'll be blowing bubbles and spanking each other. After bubble time you'll then share a hotdog Lady and the Tramp style, followed by a giggly mustard fight. After the food fight you will retreat to the ferris wheel where you give each other massages while overlooking the city. While you are receiving the massage you look into the camera and say, "Thanks Valtrex, my man-puss feels great." Hope you like the changes.

Can't wait to get started filming.

Frank

Hello? Helloooo? Chicken shit. The nerve of that guy telling me how gay skaters dress. Sheesh. The arrogance. That guy doesn't know what he's missing.

Peace Out, Shizzy


Suggestions? Comments? Write me a note.

 

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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