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Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments or ideas
to Shizzy Joyce.
These
are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL. Please
forgive us and enjoy!
Shizzlers,
A lot of people out there don't realize that in between working on my
column (and looking for a job) I watch a whole lot of Christian television.
Sure, I'm piss drunk and often beating my penis angrily against the TV
screen, but that's more religion than most of you get. My favorite is
the Trinity Broadcasting Network cuz there are occasionally some hot chicks
and I dig the nutty faith healers. After all this viewing, I thought it
might be time to give a little donation. Bling bling!~
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Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2003 23:57:13 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Shizman <Rshxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: God's Grace
To:xxxxx@tbn.org
Hello there. I would like to make a donation and see the beautiful
TBN studio. I'm in Hong Kong right now on business. With God's help
I hope I can get out of here without catching SARS. Im from
Houston, Texas, but I'll be in Los Angeles on business in two weeks.
I am a new viewer of TBN programming and I love it. It gives so
much hope during these troubling times and I'd like to contribute
financially to your station. Are there regular visitors to your
studio? Does one need tickets to be a part of the audience? Will
Benny Hinn be in town in two weeks? I hope to get a reply soon.
Thank you for spreading the word of God for the world to embrace.
Richard (it's me, Shizzy)
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To: Richard Shizman <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
From: xxxx@tbn.org |
Date: Wed, 23 APR 2003 13:54:09 -0700
Richard,
The Costa Mesa studios are open seven days a week, from about 11:00
a.m. till about 6:00 p.m. or on Thursdays when the "Praise
the Lord" program is taking place, till after the "Praise
the Lord" program. The VR Theater is open the same hours, and
there is no need for tickets or admission at all.
If you go to "Announcements" on www.tbn.org, you can find
out other information, and the "Praise the Lord" schedule
under "Watch Us" will tell you who the guests will be.
On Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. Hal Lindsey does his tapings, so you
can also take in one of those, if interested. There are no conducted
tours; you have to kind of do a "self" tour. :)
Be blessed!
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Date: Wed, 23 APR 2003 23:46:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Shizman <Rshxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
To: xxxx@tbn.org
Hal Lindsey? The star of "Barney Miller" works in your
studio? That's my favorite TV show of all time! And I always thought
he was one of those God-hating Jews.
I can't wait to visit Costa Mesa. I would like to talk with someone
about contributing to TBN. I can't really do it on the phone right
now because my jaw is very sore. Had a little "accident"
with a tire iron. Don't worry, I should be better soon and with
God's help, my wife will stop hallucinating that I'm leaving her
for a 14-year-old Asian child bride I met on my business trip. That's
a joke. She hit me because I forgot to pick up her meds from the
drugstore.
Anyway, If I were to make a large donation to TBN in what capacity
would the money be used? Would it go towards the construction of
more studios, satellites, etc? I'm getting along in years and I
would like to contribute to a worthy cause and I can't think of
a more important cause than to your station that serves as vehicle
for Jesus' message through the spirit of Barney Miller . I hope
to hear from someone soon. God bless you.
Richard
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To: Richard Shizman <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
From: xxxx@tbn.org |
Date: Fri, 25 APR 2003 14:59:20 -0700
Richard,
When you make a donation to TBN you can designate it if you wish.
Many partners do not designate and then it just goes "Where
Needed Most," but, you may specify where you want your donation
to be used.
If you heard "Behind the Scenes" this week, you will
have heard Paul speak about the need for individual city receivers
in Russia. For $1,600 one such a receiver can be purchased and shipped
and supply Christian television to one city in Russia.
God bless you!
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Date: Sat, 26 APR 2003 12:33:00 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Shizman <Rshxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
To: xxxx@tbn.org
Well as I always say, it's better to give than receive! That's just
a little religious humor. (let me know if you want to hear more
-- I'm like a Christian Shecky Greene) I would like to start by
giving 50 to 100K to your network. I certainly hope this amount
is enough to help people of the world receive Gods message
from TBN. I'm assuming Russians would be able to watch "Barney
Miller" reruns as well. That would be important. I think the
Ruskies would LOVE that show!
Are there any plans to construct new studios? It would be great
to have many studios around the country in the same fashion as CNN
and Fox News has. Is there any way that the construction of a new
tower, satellite, receiver etc could be done in the name of contributors?
I am in the process of creating a coalition of Christian business
owners that would donate to various Christian organizations whose
primary concern is spreading the Word. I thank you for your patience
and the time you've taken to answer my questions. God bless you
child. Hope to hear from you soon.
Richard
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To: Richard Shizman <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
From: xxxx@tbn.org |
Date: Tue, 29 APR 2003 15:28:57 -0700
You are so right, Richard, there are still millions who have not
heard the Good News.
Thank you for your desire to help change this. Donations can be
given for the purchase, shipping and placement of receivers--especially
in Russia and India at this time. We receive donations from organizations,
churches, companies, trusts, families or individuals. It does not
matter.
In answer to your questions, we are soon to begin building a new
studio in New Jersey to replace our Poughkeepsie station. This new
station will cover the whole of New York City--a cause for rejoicing
to many. We do not have an estimate for the cost of it.
As for the receivers in Russia, $50,000 would pay for 312. There
are only 141 cities asking for it at the present. I have no idea
about Barney Miller.
Thank you for your inquiries and God bless you.
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Date: Tue, 29 APR 2003 20:15:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Shizman <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
To: xxx@tbn.org
Speaking of "Good News," I would like to put up the money
for all 141 cities. I should tell you my earthly name is Richard
Shizman, but many know me by my stage name
Satan -- I mean
Stanley! Sorry, a bit more religious humor. I do this whole Satan
thing for my church group and they get a real kick out of it. Since
you guys have access to all those famous Hollywood types like Barney
Miller and MC Hammer and that guy from "Amen," maybe you
could sort of tell them about me. I do a bunch of jokes and then
a little soft shoe dance bit. Maybe when you open a studio near
me I can swing by and really wow your audience. That would be great.
I'm not saying I won't give you the money if you won't let me tell
jokes and dance, I'm just saying that Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker
turned me down and looked what happened to them. It all started
with a little anonymous phone call. But you didn't hear that from
me.
Yours in God
Richard
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And that's about that. No more replies no matter how much I begged or
offered her "under the table money". She just lost her commission.
I tell ya, there's nothing worse than a passive aggressive Christian secretary.
Peace Out,
Shizzy
Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note
.
**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names.
Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more
readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone
attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even
more free time on their hands than Shizzy.
Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.
1, 2,
3, 4,
5, 6,
7, 8,
9, 10,
11, 12,
13, 14,
15, 16,
17, 18,
19, 20,
21, 22,
23, 24,
25, 26,
27, 28,
29 , 30,
31, 32,
33, 34,
35, 36,
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