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Read Shizzy's Prank Email Archives!

Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce. These are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL.  Please forgive us and enjoy!



Shizzlers,

A lot of people out there don't realize that in between working on my column (and looking for a job) I watch a whole lot of Christian television. Sure, I'm piss drunk and often beating my penis angrily against the TV screen, but that's more religion than most of you get. My favorite is the Trinity Broadcasting Network cuz there are occasionally some hot chicks and I dig the nutty faith healers. After all this viewing, I thought it might be time to give a little donation. Bling bling!~

Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2003 23:57:13 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Richard Shizman” <Rshxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: God's Grace
To:xxxxx@tbn.org

Hello there. I would like to make a donation and see the beautiful TBN studio. I'm in Hong Kong right now on business. With God's help I hope I can get out of here without catching SARS. I‘m from Houston, Texas, but I'll be in Los Angeles on business in two weeks. I am a new viewer of TBN programming and I love it. It gives so much hope during these troubling times and I'd like to contribute financially to your station. Are there regular visitors to your studio? Does one need tickets to be a part of the audience? Will Benny Hinn be in town in two weeks? I hope to get a reply soon. Thank you for spreading the word of God for the world to embrace.

Richard (it's me, Shizzy)

 

To: “Richard Shizman” <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
From: xxxx@tbn.org |
Date: Wed, 23 APR 2003 13:54:09 -0700

Richard,

The Costa Mesa studios are open seven days a week, from about 11:00 a.m. till about 6:00 p.m. or on Thursdays when the "Praise the Lord" program is taking place, till after the "Praise the Lord" program. The VR Theater is open the same hours, and there is no need for tickets or admission at all.

If you go to "Announcements" on www.tbn.org, you can find out other information, and the "Praise the Lord" schedule under "Watch Us" will tell you who the guests will be. On Wednesday at 11:00 a.m. Hal Lindsey does his tapings, so you can also take in one of those, if interested. There are no conducted tours; you have to kind of do a "self" tour. :)
Be blessed!

 

Date: Wed, 23 APR 2003 23:46:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Richard Shizman” <Rshxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
To: xxxx@tbn.org

Hal Lindsey? The star of "Barney Miller" works in your studio? That's my favorite TV show of all time! And I always thought he was one of those God-hating Jews.

I can't wait to visit Costa Mesa. I would like to talk with someone about contributing to TBN. I can't really do it on the phone right now because my jaw is very sore. Had a little "accident" with a tire iron. Don't worry, I should be better soon and with God's help, my wife will stop hallucinating that I'm leaving her for a 14-year-old Asian child bride I met on my business trip. That's a joke. She hit me because I forgot to pick up her meds from the drugstore.

Anyway, If I were to make a large donation to TBN in what capacity would the money be used? Would it go towards the construction of more studios, satellites, etc? I'm getting along in years and I would like to contribute to a worthy cause and I can't think of a more important cause than to your station that serves as vehicle for Jesus' message through the spirit of Barney Miller . I hope to hear from someone soon. God bless you.

Richard

 

To: “Richard Shizman” <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
From: xxxx@tbn.org |
Date: Fri, 25 APR 2003 14:59:20 -0700

Richard,

When you make a donation to TBN you can designate it if you wish. Many partners do not designate and then it just goes "Where Needed Most," but, you may specify where you want your donation to be used.

If you heard "Behind the Scenes" this week, you will have heard Paul speak about the need for individual city receivers in Russia. For $1,600 one such a receiver can be purchased and shipped and supply Christian television to one city in Russia.

God bless you!

 

Date: Sat, 26 APR 2003 12:33:00 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Richard Shizman” <Rshxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
To: xxxx@tbn.org

Well as I always say, it's better to give than receive! That's just a little religious humor. (let me know if you want to hear more -- I'm like a Christian Shecky Greene) I would like to start by giving 50 to 100K to your network. I certainly hope this amount is enough to help people of the world receive God’s message from TBN. I'm assuming Russians would be able to watch "Barney Miller" reruns as well. That would be important. I think the Ruskies would LOVE that show!

Are there any plans to construct new studios? It would be great to have many studios around the country in the same fashion as CNN and Fox News has. Is there any way that the construction of a new tower, satellite, receiver etc could be done in the name of contributors? I am in the process of creating a coalition of Christian business owners that would donate to various Christian organizations whose primary concern is spreading the Word. I thank you for your patience and the time you've taken to answer my questions. God bless you child. Hope to hear from you soon.

Richard

To: “Richard Shizman” <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
From: xxxx@tbn.org |
Date: Tue, 29 APR 2003 15:28:57 -0700

You are so right, Richard, there are still millions who have not heard the Good News.

Thank you for your desire to help change this. Donations can be given for the purchase, shipping and placement of receivers--especially in Russia and India at this time. We receive donations from organizations, churches, companies, trusts, families or individuals. It does not matter.

In answer to your questions, we are soon to begin building a new studio in New Jersey to replace our Poughkeepsie station. This new station will cover the whole of New York City--a cause for rejoicing to many. We do not have an estimate for the cost of it.
As for the receivers in Russia, $50,000 would pay for 312. There are only 141 cities asking for it at the present. I have no idea about Barney Miller.

Thank you for your inquiries and God bless you.

 

Date: Tue, 29 APR 2003 20:15:25 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Richard Shizman” <Rshxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: God's Grace (Virus checked)
To: xxx@tbn.org

Speaking of "Good News," I would like to put up the money for all 141 cities. I should tell you my earthly name is Richard Shizman, but many know me by my stage name…Satan -- I mean Stanley! Sorry, a bit more religious humor. I do this whole Satan thing for my church group and they get a real kick out of it. Since you guys have access to all those famous Hollywood types like Barney Miller and MC Hammer and that guy from "Amen," maybe you could sort of tell them about me. I do a bunch of jokes and then a little soft shoe dance bit. Maybe when you open a studio near me I can swing by and really wow your audience. That would be great. I'm not saying I won't give you the money if you won't let me tell jokes and dance, I'm just saying that Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker turned me down and looked what happened to them. It all started with a little anonymous phone call. But you didn't hear that from me.

Yours in God

Richard

 


And that's about that. No more replies no matter how much I begged or offered her "under the table money". She just lost her commission. I tell ya, there's nothing worse than a passive aggressive Christian secretary.

Peace Out,

Shizzy

 


Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note .

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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