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Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments or ideas
to Shizzy Joyce.
These
are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL. Please
forgive us and enjoy!
Whazzup My Peeps,
We had such a great response a few months ago when I
tried to sell my "Real Doll" that I figured it was time
to try again. What can I say, I'm broke and that stupid doll is starting
to get on my nerves. I hope I can find her a good home. Here is the ad
I posted:
For Sale: Real Doll. As seen
on The Howard Stern Show and HBOs Real Sex. $200.00 Selling for
cheap because Im moving and I dont have room for the doll
in my U-Haul. Also I'm broke and found God recently. Contact: Richard
Hizzahan
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Date: Sat, 03 May 2003 20:31:28 -0700
To: richxxxx@yahoo.com
From: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net> |
Subject: real doll
Richard,
I'm interested in the doll if it's female. Call me at 4xx xxx-xxxx
if she's still available.
Ken
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Date: Sat, 3 May 2003 22:21:42 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: real doll
To: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net>
Ken,
Of course she's female! I'm totally heterosexual and wouldn't be
caught dead with the male version -- I considered it once but just
as a companion piece to the girl I have ( so she won't get lonely
-- ha ha!) Anyway, I just got my tongue pierced and it's a bit infected
so I'm barely audible over the phone. I'd be glad to answer any
questions you have about the doll via email if thats okay
with you. Don't worry, she's still available. She is in near perfect
condition. Where do you live? Are you a collector? I've seen a lot
of these dolls but she is the best I have ever seen. It's a hell
of a deal. Hope to hear from you soon.
Richard (it's me, Shizzy)
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Date: Sat, 03 May 2003 22:07:19 -0700
To: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com>
From: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net> |
Subject: Re: real doll
Hi Richard,
I live here in the city around the mission. Do you have a photo
of the doll? If not what does she look like? Do you have various
wigs, outfits, etc.? How do you care for the doll? How much use
has she had? How tall is she? How big is the crate she comes in?
Why is she so cheap? I thought these dolls went for thousands of
dollars. I saw the HBO special on them and it was intriguing. I
just wonder about the reality of actually owning one. Your comments
are appreciated.
Ken
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Date: Sun, 4 May 2003 12:04:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: real doll
To: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net>
Hi Ken,
I had the doll custom made. She has a "type two" head
and "type three" body. She is sort of like the Tami model
but with freckles and a cleft chin. She's about five foot five with
wonderful breasts and a great ass. The doll is barely used. I had
the doll modeled after my wife Ginger as an anniversary gift. I
don't want to be a downer but she died shortly afterwards and I
haven't been able to have fun with Ginger II since. Also, I don't
have room in the my new apartment, so that's why I'm selling her
for so cheap. The crate is about five foot high and three feet wide
but you can have her without the crate if you want.
What do you plan on doing with her? People have lots of different
uses for them. Some people are collectors, some use them for music
shows or for decoration, and of course, some freaks have sex with
them. Im just curious. I have mixed feelings about parting
with her and I'm concerned she find a good home. Well, I gotta do
some packing. Hope to hear from you soon.
Richard
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Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 03:06:40 -0700
To: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com>
From: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net> |
Subject: Re: real doll
Hello Richard,
I checked out the website and I have to say if I was ordering a
doll I would probably get the Tami model. I don't quite know what
I would do with the doll. It's a strange concept for me, thinking
I would actually have one in my place, but I find the idea appealing.
I guess the next step is to see the doll in person. I think I would
know better once I see her. If I do buy the doll you can rest assured
she will have a good home. I live alone and she wouldn't be around
any one but me. I usually go to work in the afternoon so I can meet
with you in the morning or early afternoon. I'm off on Wednesday
and Thursday, so any time is good. I look forward to hearing from
you. Thanks for writing back.
Ken
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Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 17:19:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: real doll
To: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net>
Ken,
I'm glad she will have a good home. I was worried that someone
might do crazy things with her as opposed to just keep her as a
beautiful, collectible house companion. And by the way please refer
to her as Ginger, not Tami. Thanks. Actually, a musician emailed
me the other day wanting to buy her for his bands tour. The
guy was from some German heavy metal group and he wanted to use
her as a stage prop. I asked what she'd be doing on stage and he
said the band members were each going to sodomize her and then set
her on fire in between songs. I told him to screw himself. That
is just demented for starters, and I could never part with the doll
knowing she was headed for certain doom. Her anal port is in practically
virginal condition and I don't want to see that changed -- especially
by some perverted Kraut. Anyway, my Real Doll is of the best quality
and has a ton of customizations as I said -- she even has an extra
toe just like my wife. This might creep out some people but it really
isn't too noticeable. Also, the vagina is a perfect match. I had
to take pictures of it while my wife was sleeping so they could
get it just right. Hell, I know I should charge a lot more for her,
but I need to move and I can't be spending the rest of my life thinking
about what could have been. I'm busy for the next three days but
after that you can come in any time to pick her up. Hope to hear
from you soon.
Richard
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Date: Tue, 06 May 2003 00:25:21 -0700
To: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com>
From: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net> |
Subject: Re: real doll
Thanks for your email. I'm off work Weds, Thurs and will be free
Friday night. What area of town do you live in? I have a pickup
truck so transporting the doll will be no problem. Please let me
know the best time to come over.
Talk to you soon,
Ken
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Date: Tue, 6 May 2003 09:29:52 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: real doll
To: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net>
Hi Ken.
I live on Alvarado up above Lenny's Coffee. It's a shithole but
it's got some great drinks. Dude, I don't know what I was thinking
and I certainly hope this isn't a deal breaker, but last night I
got really drunk and had a little "happy time" with Ginger.
Luckily, I pulled out so there aren't any of my sea monkeys floating
around in there, but I want to be honest with any potential buyers
and let them know she's gotten her fill recently. You have to understand,
I've had her for awhile and I'm parting with her soon -- it's sort
of like when you're about to dump your girlfriend, you try to get
as many free dinners as possible because you know it's just going
to be pizza pockets for the next year or so. Anyway, I also painted
her toenails and gave her a haircut. She's looking really hot. I'm
so glad she's going to a good home. She seems excited. This might
be totally off but when you come to pick her up will you take some
pictures of me with her? If you do this I might consider letting
you have her at a sizable discount. I've already discounted her
a bit because of the teeth marks I left on her recently. I have
to be out of here by this weekend and I have too much stuff to load.
Richard
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Date: Tue, 06 May 2003 10:14:32 -0700
To: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com>
From: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net> |
Subject: Re: real doll
Richard,
I can pick up the doll tomorrow morning or whenever. It would be
good to set a time. I need directions to your place and
the address. I'm coming from the mission. I'd be happy to take some
pictures for you. Call me at 4xx xxx xxxx if you need to.
Ken
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Date: Tue, 6 May 2003 13:13:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: Richard Hizzahan <richxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: real doll
To: Ken Patxxx <Kenxxxx@earthlink.net>
Ken,
That is great news. I really would like some photos just for nostalgia
purposes. I'd like to do a few erotic photographs if you don't mind
too much. Thanks. I'm very glad Ginger's going to a good home. I
know you will take good care of her Ken. If you could put her in
a chair near the window during the day that would be great. She
loves to people-watch. She doesn't like thunderstorms though so
when it rains just set her in front of the TV. She likes her hair
brushed once a day around noon and she's a big Kurt Russell fan
so if you have any movies featuring him or his life partner Goldie
Hawn, she would really appreciate viewing those on occasion.
I hope you don't mind this, but I would like to keep in touch with
you after I move back to Boston. I'll be back in town once in awhile
on business and I'd like to drop by and visit her. Would that be
okay? I know that is a lot to consider, but keep in mind that you
are getting quite a sweet deal on this doll and she cost me a shitload
of money. Also, while I'm on the subject of my move, I have a parrot
named Chewy that I don't want to take back to Boston. You want him?
He sometimes bites people and shits all over the house if you don't
have a cage,, but he is pretty cool looking and says crazy things
all day long. That reminds me -- I'd like Chewy to appear in a couple
of the pictures with me and Ginger. If you're still up for it I'll
mapquest you directions to my apartment. Thanks Ken, I think this
will work out great!!
Richard
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Damnit. I'm thinking now that I'll never get Ginger out of my parent's
basement. I'm worried too because they've been snooping around her crate
recently. I told them it was a giant box of artillary I was holding for
some friends, so I'm hoping they'll leave her alone.
If you liked that one, go read about the
first time I tried to sell my Real Doll. Or better yet, scroll down
and check out dozens of other stooges I've corresponded with over the
last year. Don't forget to write
me if you have a great idea or know someone in need of a brutal shizzification.
Peace Out,
Shizzy
Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note
.
**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names.
Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more
readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone
attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even
more free time on their hands than Shizzy.
Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.
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