Date: Mon, 10 Jun 2002 23:42:02 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Fertility Testing To: xxxx@resolve.org

Dear Sir or Madam,

After taking a fertility test, and failing, I would like to take another. The ordeal of having to go to the hospital and talk to nurses about my problem, and then having to hand my big jug of goo to them in a sippy cup was traumatic to say the least. I would like to know if there is an easier way to test my fertility. Is there possibly a way to mail my sample somewhere? Or a dropoff service that is anonymous? I'm from a small town and I saw three people I knew including my son's girlfriend at the clinic. Any information that you can give me would be appreciated.

Mike Ockisard (That's Me!)

Subject: RE: Fertility Testing Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2002 09:38:54 -0400 From: "info " <xxxx@resolve.org> | To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>

Mike,

Unless you have access to a MD or lab that is not in your home town you would need to provide a sample in a very timely way. Unfortunately semen samples need to be handled quickly and in the right environment; kept warm and not out for long periods of time, in order for the results to be accurate. How you want to identify yourself with the lab folks is up to you but you still want to be sure all is accurate and not mistaken, etc.

Sorry, there isn't another way that we are aware of.

Subject: RE: Fertility Testing Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2002 10:05:15 -0200 From: <xxxx@yahoo.com> To: "info" <xxxx@resolve.org>

Hi, it's me again - Goo Boy.

Since the divorce I have been saving my semen in empty Gatorade bottles for the past couple of years. I was one of those Y2K nuts, and right before the millenium I started storing my man-milk. Now, I have semen in my freezer, in my fridge, and some buried in the backyard next to the pool. Could I send you some of these samples to analyze? I would be able to keep the samples cold using cooling packets. I really want to raise a family with my new partner, Trevor. His sister Ruth has agreed to carry the child for us. If I would be able to Fed Ex you guys some of my spermies let me know. I can send you as much sperm as it takes as long as I don't have to suffer from the embarrassment of doing it in front of the nurse. Also, she has really, really cold hands.

Thanks,

Mike

Hello? HELLO? Sheesh!

THIS IS THE ASSCLOWN FROM JESUSFUN.COM THAT WANTS TO SUE US

Have you ever noticed all those Satanic images in children's comic books? I sure do. And as a concerned parent, I think it's my obligation to confront this very subject. Shizzy's first amendment rights at work!!!!!

Shizzy

Date: Mon, 10 Jun 2002 23:37:50 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Satanic Imagery To: xxxx@jesusfun.com

To Whom it May Concern,

I am angered and appalled at the content included in the coloring books that I bought for my children. As a Christian I feel it is necessary to shelter my kids from any and all Satanic imagery. The depictions of violence and harmful pychological warfare that are included in the books were completely unnecessary. I cannot understand how in God's world you can call yourself Christians. I expect a response/defense as soon as possible. I am interested to know why you feel it necessary to spread a message of violence and destruction and call it "Jesus Fun".

Mike Ockisard (That's me!)

Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 10:45:31 -0700 (PDT) From: "Capn Veggie Link" <xxxx@jesusfun.com> || To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Satanic Imagery

Firstly, I am sorry that you were offended. That was not our intention. In our comic Dr. Eggplant and the corrupt leadership is oppressing the people of Lemonosis (making them dry bones or spiritually dead). Law enforcement has been called aka Capn Veggie Link and Tofu. No one is injured or killed or even hurt as a result of the story being told. The sword is meant to symbolize the word of God and the confrontation is a spiritual battle, which God wins in the end. Please note that the criminals are in jail in the final frame. A good thing. Referring to it as "Satanic Imagery" is a little harsh but we respect and appreciate your opinion. In the future we will consider your suggestions and endeavor to improve our content. I'm only a hot dog so cut me a little slack :) God Bless. In His service, Capn Veggie Link Jesus Fun! Comics www.jesusfun.com "I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever." Isaiah 58:13

Date: Wed, 12 Jun 2002 16:15:44 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> || Subject: Re: Satanic Imagery To: xxxx@jesusfun.com

You use a sword as the symbol for the word of God? Are you crazy? Haven't you ever heard of hell? I don't want my kids associating God's word with a tool used to murder people. Hasn't this occurred to you? I am going through a divorce right now because of this kind of thing. My Hindu wife insisted on having her devil elephant sorcerer statues all over the kitchen. She said it would bring "good karma" to our home. Now she has run off with some guy who is a manager at a Bennigan's. This is when I bought the kids these books. I thought it would be nice for them to be able to color while I drank scotch in the backyard. Then, they showed me the books. Appalling! I would like to know the significance of the spiritual battle. What is the meaning of the use of Tofu and of Veggies in the story? Maybe if you explain this to me better I will understand more clearly. For now I am troubled by the content as I see it.

Mike

Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 00:00:52 -0700 (PDT) From: "Capn Veggie Link" <xxxx@jesusfun.com> |To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: the Sword of the Spirit is the word of God

The following email was written only in Love: I am only as crazy as the Apostle Paul who wrote these words: Ephesians 6: 10-19 The Armor of God ' 10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and **** "the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." **** 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. 19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. ' Please read the book of Joshua (now that is real violence)... Jesus alone can help you to put that Scotch down and open His word so that the truth may set you free from the bondage that holds you down. Connect with someone at your church because Satan seeks to 'sift us as wheat.' Peace to you brother, and love with faith from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love. May the God of Heaven open your heart to His word today. An Ambassador of the Gospel, Capn Veggie Link Jesus Fun! Comics www.jesusfun.com "It is not good for a man to be alone." Gen. 2:18

Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 21:17:22 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: the Sword of the Spirit is the word of God To: xxxx@jesusfun.com

People tell me all the time that I have a drinking problem. Now YOU are telling me. If I want to have a scotch and watch the neighbor's dog take a crap on my lawn I can. That is my right as a God fearing American. My drinking too much has nothing to do with your comic book that promotes Satan and his dark fallen angels. A reading from the text St. Mark 3:29 "But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation" These are the words of the Christ. Oh and by the way...Jesus turned water into wine, not water into grape fruit juice. There is nothing wrong with a little Scotch and soda after a day of breaking my ass to put food on the table. I have been further reviewing the books and I find them to be even more Satanical than before. You are forcing these images of the devil's schemes into the minds of my two brat kids. Your reply gives me no indication of any remorse felt for spreading the word of the dark one. Please identify the symbols and the text in a thorough fashion that will help me explain to my kids what your intentions were.

With the love of Mary and Baby Christ,

Mike

P.S. I apologize for any misspellings. I have been drinking again.

Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 07:11:22 -0700 (PDT) From: "Capn Veggie Link" <xxxx@jesusfun.com> || To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: the Sword of the Spirit is the word of God
Know Jesus
Know hope
no Jesus
no hope
In His service, Capn Veggie Link Jesus Fun! Comics www.jesusfun.com
"I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever." Isaiah 58:13

Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2002 21:17:22 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: the Sword of the Spirit is the word of God To: xxxx@jesusfun.com

How 'bout this - how 'bout I come over and shove Capn Veggie up your ass. Even Jesus can't save you from veggie's in your colon.

SHIZZY

NOW READ HIS LAWSUIT THREATS

6.19.02

Enjoy this week's emails. Peace out.

Shizzy

Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 22:53:52 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | | Subject: Can we hire you? To: alex@######.com

Dear Sir,

I am in a band called Burn 420 and we are going to be in Pasadena next July. Because our drummer is Michael J. Fox's cousin, we managed to get a meeting with a record company. While we are in the Los Angeles area we would like to get some photographs taken of the band. Our music is a cross between The Clash and U2. We would like to have some black and white pics taken of us in L.A. What do you charge for a day of shooting? Have you ever done any work with bands in the past? We would be willing to shell out for some really good pictures to use on our album cover. Please contact me as soon as possible if you would be interested in this project.

Thanks,

Mike Ockisard (THAT'S ME, SHIZZY. DUH!)

Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 09:26:40 -0700 Subject: Re: Can we hire you? From: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com> | | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com>

You can hire me. By the way, cool name.
What I normally charge for a day of shooting, and what I charge bands is different.
Before I give you a quote, let me get a better idea of what you are looking for.
Is there a number I could reach you at? There are a lot of variables I would like to ask you about.

Alex

Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 18:46:32 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re: Can we hire you? To: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com>

Alex,

I would like to call you but I am barely able to speak due to a series of root canals I am having done. I am communicating in mumbles and grunts right now. I REALLY want to get something going though. And if we could have our initial talks via email that would be much appreciated. I hate the fucking dentist! As for the shoot, we have a rough idea of what we would like to do, but nothing concrete. As I said before we are big U2 fans. The photos taken of them for their All That You Can't Leave Behind album would be our ideal. They are a series of black and white photos taken of them at the airport. Doubt we will be able to do that nowadays but somewhere like it might work. We would definitely consider any ideas you would throw out there. We are a young band and are kind of new to the business. There are four of us, all in our early twenties. We have a big following in the Southeast among the neo-Clash type punks. We have made a substantial bit of money for our trip to Los Angeles that we are willing to put up to get this thing right. We don't want to fuck up and end up looking like some Duran Duran/Linkin Park hybrid because we were too cheap. So, have you worked with any bands that we might have heard of? What time of day might be best for this type of shoot? And, Pasadena isn't dangerous is it? I hope to hear from you really soon. We are excited about the possibility of working with you.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 20:13:57 -0700 Subject: Re: Can we hire you? From: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com> | | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com>

Mike,

Pasadena is fine. So I am hearing some industrial/urban. I can do that.
The bands I’ve done have been small. Tabitha LeBec, a new female singer-songwriter. Clemmens, a Christian folk musician. If you take a look at my web site, you will see that I have an art of capturing people in a way that is attractive and real.
I will charge you $1,000 for the day plus expenses. You will get unlimited film. I will scan every photo taken at 17 MB and burn them all onto CD’s for you. We will shoot in multiple locations and for as many hours as you want.
If you are looking for a photographer with more experience doing big name musicians, I have a business partner who might fit the bill, but he will charge $3,000 plus expenses.

Sorry about your mouth. Look on the bright side. If this were 200 years ago, you’d be even more fucked!
Alex

Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 22:04:56 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re: Can we hire you? To: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com>

We would rather do two or three days of shooting with you if that would be possible. You mentioned putting the pics on CD. That sounds great. Is there any way that we can enhance or do air brushing of the pictures? Just wanted to know. Our drummer has severe acne and he often wears makeup. If we could air brush out his blemishes that would be good. Do you have any ideas for areas where we can do shooting? A mall, a field, a park, in the city? What sort of expenses do you have in mind? We would be glad to pay for gas, meals, and smoke, if you want any. One time we took some pictures of the band at a hotel in Atlanta. They turned out pretty good. It was amateur night though. We had no idea what we were doing. We need a professional to make this worthwhile. I know that is alot of questions but I want to get this thing moving and make concrete plans. I will be up all night planning our trip west. I hope to hear from you tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 09:28:17 -0700 Subject: Re: Can we hire you? From: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com> | | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com>

Hey Mike,

I can enhance and airbrush. It’s $60 an hour, and I am really good. I’ve got a section in my web page devoted to it.
I have a makeup artist I work with. She’s pretty inexpensive too. Let me know if you want her.
As far as ideas, I have lots. There is this new mall in Hollywood. Pretty funky looking, but we would have to do gorilla shooting. Hollywood street stuff, day and night.

There are some industrial areas that have a look I think you will like. There is a cool cemetery if you are into that, urban parks that are really gritty. Expenses, film and processing, gas, parking, meals, make-up artisits. Possible equipment rentals if we think we need something I don’t have. That kind of thing.

Lets get some dates out there.
Alex

Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 20:52:18 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | | Subject: Re: Can we hire you? To: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com>

Alex,

We are going to be in California for the first two weeks in July. Any time that is convenient for you is cool with us. I think we are meeting with the record company people on the 7th. That would only be for two or three hours at the most though. A makeup artist is a great idea. Our poor drummer looks like Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly". Great drummer, great personality, face like a goblin. He is really sensitive about it, but he would be cool with having someone apply makeup and doing air brushing when needed. The prices that you are giving sound reasonable. I think we can wing it. When you do shooting for a band do you usually have a story in mind? Or do you just have the band pose in different places with no particular meaning behind the shots? Some of our songs deal with the evils of corporate America. One idea we have is to have a picture of us standing on the ruins of what looks like a blown up Starbucks. Another is for us to point a gun at Ronald MacDonald. Since our drummer is Mr. Makeup anyway he might as well throw on some clown makeup and pretend to be Ronald. If this is way to insane, and out of the question, let me know. I am just throwing ideas out there to see what could work. I am trying to find a balance between the punk and the soul that we incorporate in our music. Please give me your thoughts as soon as you can. Sorry about the delay with this reply. The dentist really did a number on me today.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 14:08:20 -0700 Subject: Re: Can we hire you? From: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com> | | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com>

Mike,

I love the Starbucks idea. I will shop for some burnt down crumbling locations for that. I’m not sure about the clown make-up, but I used to know an antique store that has a RM statue. I’ll see if it is still there.
I need to firm up the dates, or they will book. I’m already busy the second week in July on that Monday, Thursday and Friday. The first week is better. How does the 2nd, 3rd and 5th. I could do the 4th, but it is July 4th, and all that entails. Maybe we could use that?
Can I send you a contract? It will stipulate days, fees, and rights (you get all rights, I get photo credits, I retain self promotion rights).
Enjoy your liquid foods.

Alex

Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 22:29:16 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re: Can we hire you? To: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com>

The 2nd, 3rd and 5th sound great Alex. We are really psyched to get out there and get some shit cooking. Our bassist and I have discussed maybe doing some pictures that would have us all be naked. Kind of like a Red Hot Chili Peppers type deal. Not very Clash or U2 but we do like to get naked and do whip its and get crazy balls fucked up. Sorry dude I know that is crazy talk. I am so fucked up off of pain killers. I called my girlfriend a plant today. She just stands there like a plant. Again, I am sorry for the craziness. We would like to get a contract signed to make this official. We are very excited about having you take our pictures. How will you send us the contract? Alex we are looking forward to working with you. We are stoked about meeting you and taking some gippy pics like guppy fucks up in that nick nack. Trying to be professional and cool about this. Please tell me about how we can make this official.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 22:33:18 -0700 Subject: Re: Can we hire you? From: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com> | | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com>

Mike,

You are cracking me up, Nekid is cool, though we will have to think about where if you don’t want to go to jail. (might be interesting publicity...) I know some beaches where we could get away with it.
All I need is an address or a fax number (or both). Won’t be able to send anything till after the weekend. I’m shooting up in SF all weekend.
You sound cool. We’ll make this fun.

Alex

Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 00:18:26 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re: Can we hire you? To: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com>

Alex: You are never going to believe this, but I just got back from jail. I set fire to this van that we found in the woods and the fire was way bigger than we expected. The fire department and the police came and took us to jail. I had to take a crap with this Mexican dude screaming at me about his ear ache. Anyway our funds have taken a small hit and we will probably only be able to spend five thousand dollars total for the shooting. I hope this doesn't blow the whole bit. I didn't think that van would explode. You are right about choosing somewhere safe to take the pictures when we are naked. My pric looks like a circumsized jelly bean so I won't be posing nude. Accutane, our drummer, has a cock that could scare a doctor. So, of course he wants to show everyone. You are lucky as hell to get to go to San Francisco. I hear that place is really fun. So, I would like to know if we would still be able to do at least a day and a half of shooting. Also, how far is it from Pasadena to where you are at?

Hope to hear from you soon.

Mike

From: "" <alex@######.com> | | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Re: Can we hire you? Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 08:33:36 -0700

If we can keep the expenses down, we should be able to do at least two days. I'll cruch some numbers when I get back. Did you get photos of the exploding van?

Alex

Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 11:38:14 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re: Re: Can we hire you? To: alex@######.com

That's great news. We went to get some pictures of the burned up van but there was police tape surrounding the entrance to the woods. What you said gave us an idea though. If we could find a rural area outside of the city we could take pictures of us lighting things on fire. If we could have a picture of the band semi nude with something on fire in the back round that would be so much sweetage. Fire looks really cool in pictures. Could we do this? Have you shot stuff on fire before? Would it be better for us to be clothed and look all stoic like U2? We might be able to get some more money for shooting later but five grand is all we can commit to at this moment. I got a promotion at my job at Sbarros. We are so stoked about going out there. Can't wait to hear from you! Tell me what you think about the fire pictures idea.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 20:29:43 -0700 Subject: Re: Can we hire you? From: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com> | | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com>

Fire is cool, but lets leave it on the beach only. Otherwise, we won’t get the permits, and we will go to jail. Wildfires are taken very seriously here, and it is a dry year.
But on the beach, bonfire, spray cans shooting flames, all that shit. I did some fire stuff in Croatia. It’s on my web site. Very fun shit.
I think shirts off is cool at times. Are you guys traveling with your instruments?
I am ready to send you a contract. Got a fax #?
Also, we should talk eventually. Got a phone number? Is your mouth working yet?

Alex

Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 23:37:24 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re: Can we hire you? To: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com>

I got some bad news today. We have to hire a lawyer and use our own money to pay him because our sellout ex-hippie conformist parents won't pay for it. It is going to drain Burn 420's funds big time. It turns out that the van we lit on fire was on someone's private property, so they are prosecuting us for trespassing and vandalism. We will still have some money to pay you for shooting but it would only be around five hundred dollars. That might not even be able to pay you for a couple of hours and that is pissing us off. We fucked things up big time. We might be able to wing a thousand dollars if we could spend a night at a friend of ours house or if we could possibly stay with you. I know that it would be a great inconvenience to you, but all we would need is to use your shower and kitchen. We have tents and stuff that we could set up in your backyard. Camp 420? I know this is a big let down and we are pissed off at ourselves for getting into this situation. If you would still be interested in making some bucks for shooting us for a couple of hours and maybe letting us stay at your pad that would be nilly nutz cool of you. If not, then we might have to scrap it all together and have my hemp necklace wearing, Widespread Phish listening, too high to give a fuck sister take our pics.

If all hope isn't lost please let me know.

Mike

Date: Wed, 29 May 2002 09:10:07 -0700 Subject: Re: Can we hire you? From: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com> || To: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com>

Mike,

All is not lost. I can charge you an hourly rate of $150 plus expenses. We will get as much done as we can in the time we have.
Sorry, I live in a guest house behind someone else’s house, and they would notice if people were camping in my yard.
Let me know if I should keep any of the days open.

Alex

Date: Wed, 29 May 2002 22:00:38 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mi#####@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: Can we hire you? To: "Alex Schoenfeldt" <alex@######.com>

Everything is up in the air now with the band. Our parents are being major dicks about this whole court thing. Accutane's parents have grounded him and he can't even meet up with us and hang out at 7-11. That kid is so freaked out about court he broke out into hives. Accutane with hives is a sick thing to see. He looks like one of the zombies in that Thriller video. My stupid plant girlfriend dumped me because I am a criminal now. That means we can't use her drum set anymore. So, all sorts of dumb shit is putting Burn 420 into the ground. Obviously with all this mess happening we probably won't be making it out to L.A. I can't tell you how disappointed we are. We were so ready to nutter butter when we heard you were going to take our pictures. If we ever do make it to L.A. we will give you a ring so we can take some picnicz with sippy cups and whip whips. Sorry duder, I am wasted again. Good luck with your career, and hopefully we can work together some time when we get off of probation.

Mike/Burn 420