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Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments or ideas
to Shizzy Joyce.
These
are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL. Please
forgive us and enjoy!
Greetings My Peeps!
This one is a bit craaaazy. I was trying to find some crazy celebrity
stalkers and perverts, so where did I go? The perfect place -- The official
Olsen Twin fanpage! It has a forum where tons of freaks get together to
discuss how much they adore Mary-Kate and Ashley. I went in there and
pretended like I was also a big fan...who just happened to have Ashley
Olsen's personal email (my brand new yahoo email address). You following
this? Well, I got a lot of responses but this correspondence beats them
all. Check out his big lie right from the get-go.
Enjoy,
Shizzy
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From: Frank Casper <xxx223@msn.com>
To: <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Sun, 12 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi,
An old friend gave me your email address. She said you wouldn't
mind if I said hello and introduced myself. I just want to say that
I have been one of the biggest fans of you and Mary-Kate since I
first laid eyes on you. I'm also a twin. I know I'm a bit older
(I'm too shy to say how old), but I just had to write to you. My
daughters are huge fans of yours but not bigger than me. We waited
in line for 4 hours at one of your appearances and unfortunately
one of the security people wouldn't let me inside and I'm not sure
why. You should check into that! LOL! I'm kidding, I'm sure it wasn't
your fault but your security people weren't very nice to me.
Again, your good friend told me I should write you. I have a lot
of ideas of how I could make your career even better than it is.
You could say that I'm a manager. Also, I'm thinking about writing
a biography about your career and I was hoping I could ask you some
questions to help with research on your background.
Regards,
Frank C.
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From: A Olsen <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
To: <xxxx23@msn.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Sun, 12 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
How did you get my email? Which old friend gave you this? This is
private and although you seem nice, I'm worried about letting just
anyone have my email. If this is a fan letter, please send it care
of my agency.
Thank you
Ashley (It's really me, Shizzy -- now
wearing a solid A-cup)
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From: Frank Casper <xxx223@msn.com>
To: <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Sun, 13 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi,
It's so good that you wrote me back! I just spoke to your old friend
and she said she would call you next week and explain everything.
You see I manage a few young people back east. Right now I'm based
in Virginia but I have lots of Hollywood contacts and this one girl
that gave me your email is one of your old friends so you don't
have to worry. I've already been screened by her.
I did want to talk to you about your career. I really think you
could go really far -- even farther than you already have. I have
lots of ideas that I would love to talk to you about. Don't worry,
I promised your friend I wouldn't give out this email. You can trust
me!
Frank
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From: A Olsen <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
To: <xxxx23@msn.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Sun, 13 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi Frank,
I'm really glad I know I can trust you. It's very important to
have friends screening out the lunatics. I'd love to hear all your
good ideas. How old did you say you were??
Ashley
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From: Frank Casper <xxx223@msn.com>
To: <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Mon, 14 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi Ashley!!!
Age really isn't important. I'm not a pervert or anything and I
know the law very well. In the United States, I could go to jail
for dating you, but in France it's much different. I think the age
of consent there is 12 or 13. Anyway, it doesn't matter because
I have a live in girlfriend and I'm fairly happy with her. She could
stand to lose a few pounds but who couldn't!! LOL!
Like I said, I have tons of ideas that would really help your career
and help you move into more adult roles. For starters, because I
am also a twin, I know that there's always pressure for you two
to stay together and do everything together. I read somewhere that
you and your sister love to work together and plan to keep it that
way. I think its awesome that you love working with Mary-Kate but
I think you should start branching out a bit since you are a bit
more outgoing and I also heard you can sing. IS THIS TRUE! You are
sooo talented, Miss Ashley Olson!! Anyone with your talent could
go as far as the moon but I think I could help you get there.
Write back!
Frank
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From: A Olsen <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
To: <xxxx23@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Mon, 14 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi Frank,
OMG, I can't believe you found out about my secret singing ability.
I thought only a few people knew about that. Yes, I love acting
with Mary-Kate. We have been working together since we were babies
on FH (Full House). I know what you mean about twins and all that!
I love Mary-Kate but she sometimes gets on my nerves! She borrows
my stuff and flirts with my bf and it sucks. Our management company
has told us we need to stay together but sometimes I say prayers
that bad things will happen to her. Like she falls in the deep end
of the swimming pool and nobody notices. Isn't that totally wack?
Sometimes I think that I'm a horrible person even though everyone
loves me!
Ashley
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From: Frank Casper <xxx223@msn.com>
To: <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Tues, 15 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi Ashley!!
I'm so glad we're becoming friends! I have other celebrity friends
but you are my favorite little actress so it's different. Don't
worry, you're not a horrible person at all! Those feelings are normal.
My twin brother and I used fight and I wished he was dead all the
time but then we would make up and I realized he was my best friend.
It was hard when eventually my parents and friends pressured us
to get separate jobs and stop dressing alike. Even though we're
older, we finally got our own separate apartments two years ago.
It's been really hard on him. I'm the go getter type (like yourself)
and he's shyer and isn't so good on his own. I miss him though.
I have some questions to ask you because as I said, I really want
to help you with your career. I've been thinking about moving to
Los Angeles for a long time but it's filled with all those crazy
people. Except for you! LOL! here are some questions to start:
Who is your current manager?
Are you happy with him or her?
Do you want to make EVEN MORE MONEY?
I have other questions I want to ask you for my book but I want
to wait until I understand the other things.
Write back!,
Frank
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From: A Olsen <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
To: <xxxx23@msn.com>
Subject: Re: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Tues, 15 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi Frank.
Umm the answer to your question is that mom and dad make all the
decisions but when I'm 18 that will change some.We get an allowance
and everyone says we have tons of money but more money is always
good and I love money more than anything. Me and Mary Kate are producers
on the videos and we can sign papers but most of the adults think
we're too stupid to do anything else but they don't know what we
do behind their backs!!!! Sometimes in the middle of the night I
sneak outside the house and meet up with friends or boyfriends.
I have to hide all my sexy clothes in a bag until I sneak out of
the house. Don't tell anyone this but I've been sort of dating Scott
Baio. Do you know who he is? He's sooo cute but he's old just like
you. I can't tell anyone or he said he would be really really mad
at me. He played Chachi on Happy Days which I watch on cable all
the time. He told me he has really strong feelings for me and even
though he is old like you, he is so sweet and honest. I might be
falling in love with him. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gotta go. Bye
Ashley
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From: Frank Casper <xxx223@msn.com>
To: <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Tues, 15 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Ashley,
I'm a bit concerned about your relationship with Mr. Baio but I'm
not going to tell you what to do since I am your friend. But if
I was your manager AND your friend, I would tell you that you need
to date people that can help your career more. Like someone from
American Idol or the guy who used to go out with Britney Spears.
I don't know Mr. Baio but I think that I read somewhere that he
dates lots of girls and tricks them into thinking he will marry
them.
To change the subject, I would like to thank you also for telling
me exactly what I thought -- that you really want to make more money!
I have a friend that has music recording equipment. I bet that I
could help you make some great songs. I have a whole bunch that
I've written on my own. That's just one way to make more money.
I also think that you should do a tour in a place like China and
do commercials there. I heard that pays a lot of money and you could
wear any kind of sexy clothes because people here in the Unites
States woudln't see it.
I want you to think about all these things because when you turn
18 you will be able to make decisions and I would take much less
money than what your parent's take. I would do it for free in the
beginning and then 10 percent because that is industry standard.
I think you should stay away from Scott Baio. He gives me the willies.
Write back,
Frank
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From: A Olsen <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
To: <xxxx23@msn.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Thurs, 17 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Frank
Sounds like you would be a great manager!!! I need to tell you
something though. Something happened last night when Scott Baio
tapped on my window. He asked me if I would go to Mexico with him
next week but I'm scared. What if something bad happens? My parents
don't know that I like boys because I always tell them I'm too busy
for boys but I'm not too busy for A MAN like Scott Baio. He is soooo
nice. He has beatiful eyes and he tells me that age doesn't matter
(just like you did). I don't know what to do. How old are you again?
Ashley
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From: Frank Casper <xxx223@msn.com>
To: <twinxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Thurs, 17 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Hi,
Mexico is dangerous too and I think you shouldn't go! If you want
me to call Mr. Baio (on your behalf) I will happily do so but I
think I might be a little too angry and lose my temper. He's not
a nice person. I spent this whole afternoon reading articles online
about him. He has been engaged to so many girls. He's probably a
womanizer. I would never date lots of girls. Once I find "the
one" then it's just me and her. My girlfriend got in a fight
earlier and it makes me want to come to Los Angeles so badly.I'm
glad that you can confide in me and I can confide in you so don't
tell my girlfriend that I think she's way too overweight. LOL/
I really think that if I'm going to (possibly ) help your career
in the future, I should start by telling you that Scott Baio is
bad for your career and if the magazines find out about you, you
will both get in HUGE trouble. Did you tell your sister? Did you
tell anyone else? Also, I'd really like to send you my songs. I
think they would be great with your voice, even though I haven't
heard you sing. You can sing the songs and you won't even have to
pay me at first. But there are certain rules with song rights so
I would retain those, but anyway you should stay way from that guy
and don't go to Mexico!
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From: A Olsen <twin@xxx.com>
To: <xxxx23@msn.com>
Subject: RE: Looking for Ashley Olsen
Date: Fri, 18 July 2003 14:52:13 -0800
Frank,
You were right. I was all ready to go and then when I was packing
my clothes Mary-Kate woke up and freaked out when I told her. We
got in this huge fight and I pushed her into the pool. I didn't
realize she was such a good swimmer because it was the deep end
and I pushed her really hard. I felt really bad but Scott came over
and then he pushed Mary Kate in the water too! It was sooo scary.
I didn't know what to do and then after Mary Kate stopped screaming
for help, she called John Stamos and he and Scott Baio got in this
huge fight!!! It was terrible. The only thing that stopped them
was they were sort of worried about their hair getting messed up.
Scott Baio called me a whore and finally left. I was devastated
he could be so cruel! Then Uncle Jesse and I had a long talk and
he bounced me on his knee just like old times. What a night!
Anyway, things are back to normal and my sister and I are friends
again. I am getting a tattoo tomorrow tho. I would really like to
talk to you about your songs but I have a date tonight so I have
to run. Have you ever heard of a guy named Willie Aames? He showed
up last night outside my window. He's got super dreamy eyes...
Ashley
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So that's about
it. I feel so dirty. As of this writing, I haven't heard back from Frank
and I'm sure my career will suffer because of it. Hopefully I'll get some
songs in the mail. I must shower now. See ya next time...
Peace out,
Shizzy
Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note
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**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names.
Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more
readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone
attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even
more free time on their hands than Shizzy.
Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.
1, 2,
3, 4,
5, 6,
7, 8,
9, 10,
11, 12,
13, 14,
15, 16,
17, 18,
19, 20,
21, 22,
23, 24,
25, 26,
27, 28,
29 , 30,
31, 32,
33, 34,
35, 36,
37, 38,
39, 40,
41, >
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