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Read Shizzy's Prank Email Archives!

Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce. These are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL.  Please forgive us and enjoy!



Summer is finally over, my minions. Time to get back to work!

For those of you who enjoy watching me mess with the perverts, here is one more twisted look into the pasty underbelly of American society. Here, based on popular demand, I once again channel my female alter ego Cindy Ockisard. Colby is a young guy from Boston who has posted a classified ad looking for a legit massage partner. Apparently, his girlfriend doesn't want to touch his fat ass. So sit back, relax, grab a cold one and act like you're somehow better than this freak.

 

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 11:00:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Massage
To: xxxxcolby@hotmail.com

Hi there. I would be very interested in becoming a massage partner of yours. I'll send you a pic of me if you send me a pic of yourself. I just graduated from Ole Miss and am new to the area. I am working as a waitress, but I want to pursue a career as a dancer or massage therapist. Hope to hear from you soon. :)

Cindy (It's really me, Shizzy!)


From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 09:33:08 -0400

Cindy, What’s up? Yeah I work out a few times a week and get pretty sore. I am in Boston and could probably host there one night and if you could host one night that would be cool too. The picture I am sending you is from about 2-3 years ago. I pretty much look the same except for a goat-tee and a little longer hair. What area do you live in? I’m very good at giving massages and love receiving them too. I have a girlfriend and I'm not really looking for anything other than a massage. Not sure about you but I thought I would throw that in there. Can you send me a picture and tell me a little about you.

Colby

Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 13:16:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>

Hi Colby. Glad to hear back from you so soon. Thanks for sending the photo. You look kind of innocent but looks don't really matter to me anyway since we are both just looking for a regular massage so your slight weight problem is not an issue at all. Or the acne. Also, I would ask that you shave off your goatee before we meet because I'm not into all that hair but it's really your choice. I'm really just looking for someone with good hands that can soothe my muscles. I am at the computer all day looking for work and I got excited when I saw your ad. I've been having trouble sending pics with my new laptop but I will get it to you as soon as I can. I am pretty hot if I don't say so myself. I was a pole dancer at this bar on the Ole Miss campus and am in great shape. I've also done some modeling. I would love to host a massage for you. This is such a great idea! Well a little about myself.....I was born and raised in Mississippi. I like hiking, kung fu movies, and Precious Moments figurines. Also, I love dance clubs but I haven't found any as of yet in the area. I also have a roommate Chelsea who is also a dancer from Mississippi that is looking for massage work. She is sort of crazy and slutty so I'm sure you wouldn't be interested in her. SOOOO.......tell me about yourself.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Cindy


From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 14:17:25 -0400

Whats up girl? Thanks but innocent is only partly true. I’m sure your cute you got the personality of a hot chick. There are lots of hot clubs in the area. I’ll be more than glad to show you around. Ole Miss huh? I love them southern girls. Where do you work out at and where do you live? Tell Chelsea I said What’s up. Yeah I am 24 and live in Boston. I grew up in Bar Harbor and moved out here 2 years ago. I'm still in school since I work full time and can only go part time. Probably going to major in some sort of business field. I’m living with my girlfriend now but she's moving out Oct. 1st and thats pretty much over at that point. But yeah when are you trying to meet up and get started? I have class Tuesdays and Thursdays but free pretty much throughout the week if you let me know ahead of time.

Get back at me and send me a picture!

Colby


Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 17:53:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>

Hey Colby! I'm sorry if I'm a little sketchy about not telling you exactly where I live. I do live very near Boston about ten minutes away. I just want to get to know you a little better before we take the next step. I hope that is okay. You look like a really nice guy even though you're not as tall as the men I usually like or as muscular. I'm sure it will work out anyway. You seem really smart and that's supposed to be important so I'm going to focus on that. Anyway, it is a crazy world out there so I have to be careful. I have to go in a sec, Chelsea and I are are about to go to the hot tub. We get a little crazy in there. She thinks she's on a reality show whenever we get in there and she always tries to tickle me and take off my top. I am far from being a lesbian but she's really nice to me and I drink a lot so stuff happens. Have you ever been with two girls at once before? I can't wait to meet you. I've never actually given many massages before so I hope you can teach me. Oh and my parrot Chewy says hello. Do you like parrots? I love Chewy. He goes everywhere I go. Too bad about your girlfriend but then again maybe it is for the best. By the way, if you want some pointers on a good diet, lemme know. Also, I know a dermatologist.

Write back!

Cindy


From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 21:45:45 -0400

I totally understand I was just thinking you could tell me the area though. I’m not asking for your address. Where’s the hot tub? You say your crazy what’s up lets party. I'll probably be the last one naked. Not that I’m ashamed. I got plenty but Ill let you all get down first. Yeah I've been with two girls at once. The other girl was a lesbian but she still let me get in her. I actually have a picture that will show you exactly what I’m all about down there but I don't usually send that out and you still need to send me one. I'm not a pro either but I’ll make your body loose guaranteed. I’ll start at your toes and work my way up. Believe
me I’ll take my time. I was thinking we could start out with a few beers or wine or something. Do you drink wine? That usually gets me pretty twisted quicker than beer. But yeah you'll enjoy it I promise. Alright I’ll talk to you later.

Colby


I am so disgusted right now. This is the last time I pose as a girl. This fucking wine drinking loser is about to send me a photo of his tool. I need a shower.


Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 12:55:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>
Hi Colby,

Oh my god, that's so funny you're about to send me a photo of your Mr. Willy! If you do send one, it's probably a good idea to make sure that your face and the rest of your body isn't in the shot. I don't want you to get in trouble if someone sees it and I can fantasize about it attached to a tall guy with lots of muscles. Also, could you do me a favor. Could you grab a marker and write my name on it? That would be so hilarious! Anyway, last night me and Chelsea got so messed up. We were flashing people in the hottub. It was so much fun! It was so Girls Gone Wild! Do you like role-playing massages? My roommate has this idea that we could do a whole pirate thing with you being our prisoner. We could even have my parrot Chewy involved. I know this sounds totally out there and I'm sorry you haven't gotten to see how hot we are but I promise you will have plenty to tell your buddies about. I'm still working on sending you pics. Can't wait to hear from you. By the way, have you tried Accutane? It really helps to get rid of the blemishes. Not that I care about that kind of stuff, but I thought you might be interested.

Cindy


From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:39:07 -0400

What you think? I'm "up" for it. It would go something like this. I would arrive and that would be stepping aboard your ship. You'd take me prisoner and sit or lay me down. You'd fill me full of poison (alcohol). Then you'd make me your ship slave and make me do all sorts of krazy things for you and the your ship mate. All up to you. I'm your prisoner remember. I'd have my hands tied behind my back so it isn't possible for me to fight it. Whatever you say I must do. Then after you’re satisfied you realize I am the wrong guy and try to make it up to me. You untie my hands from behind my back and put my raincoat on and we end this thing "happily". I think I can forgive you. So whats up girl? Im trying to get flashed. What are you guys working with. Good Bodies , bald ? So are we going to just drop the whole massage thing? I'm not going to be in until about 10 probably but I hope to have a response when I get home.

Colby


Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:36:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>

That sounds like so much fun! I'm just relieved you're not some weird pervert who doesn't care about the massage and just wants sex! Chelsea wants to do all kinds of crazy things but honestly, I told her you probably wouldn't be interested. The last guy that came over she blindfolded and let Chewy go to work on his nipples (my parrot hates nipples for some reason) Anyway, she just bought these things called "nugget zingers" which she's really anxious to use. They use four D batteries. I hope that doesn't scare you off. You have really great ideas and I can't wait until we get together!

Cindy


From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 22:27:38 -0400

My best ideas come out usually when I am given a topic. I really like the idea of being tied up. So how about something like I come to your house to advertise this new sausage fresh to the area. When I come in to show you, you are already getting down on some red meat but would really like a sample. It takes a while for the sausage to cook up and you’re too hungry so while the sausage is blowing up you continue to eat your pink meat. The sausage doesn't take very long and your still hungry but instead you want to take in all of my sausage so you tie me up and stuff the pink meat in my face you cover me in all your favorite toppings. Well I aint having it so I try to wrestle you down and cover both of you completely in whatever it is you put on me. But your still hungry so you put the sausage in your mouth and realize how good the sausage and pink meat combination would be and you stick the sausage into the pink meat. Not sure if your into Chocolate covered sausage or not but if you are you can make that too. Meanwhile while one of you is doing that the other is feeding me the other pink meat. This goes on until the sausage bursts and sprays this white cream which you gulp into your mouth and spit on me.That’s pretty weird actually. Anyways whatever we decide I guarantee we'll have fun. You could even just be my little freaky sluts or I could be your little bitch boy. Whatever you want to do I am down. Gots to involve alcohol though. I love to lick though but you must be fresh. Let me know what’s up and as soon as you send me the picture I’ll send you one of that new sausage in town. Get back to me tonight. Oh yeah and I don't think I am ready for the battery cables.

Colby


Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 21:21:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>

Oh wow that sounds so hot! You obviously love food. By the way, I think the Atkin's diet allows for sausage-eating as long as you keep carbs to a minimum.

Listen to me you little milky licker, we are going to have so much fun. Today my roommate and I bought some 'taint whips, a bottle of yoohoo, and some nipple twizzlers just for you. I have the pic I want to send you and it is of me and Chewy in this super sexy pose! Now you have to promise to keep it to yourself when I send it to you because I've been threatened by the animal humane society several times. Hey, do you mind if I call you Fonzie? Even if we do this pirate thing I really want to call you Fonzie. I really like that name. You can call me whatever you want as long as it isn't degrading. I hope this isn't too wacky for you. I am having alot of fun. Please get back to me soon.

Later Fonzie! ;)

Cindy


From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 09:33:08 -0400

Go ahead and send it. I promise not to show it around. I know were going to have fun but when? I don't know about you but I’m ready. You can call me what ever you'd like I'll have to think of one for you. So anyways I have class tonight but I’m free after 730. Send me that picture and if you want give me your # too and Ill call you. Have a good day. Lots of licks. Colby steak is very filling.

Colby


Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 09:13:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com

Mr. Anderson,

My name is Tom Ockisard and Cindy is my daughter. I regret to inform you that she is not in her twenties, but in her teens. I have scanned her correspondence with you and I am appalled. Cindy is 16 years old. The kind of filthy talk that you two have been involved in is frankly disgusting and I'm considering contacting your girlfriend with this information. Cindy is now grounded and will not be allowed to use the computer for at least a month. I ask that if she does try and contact you that you do not reply or I shall contact the authorities. With that said, I do not find you at all unattractive or overweight. How many ounces is a Colby Steak? Please let me know.

Tom Ockisard


I think I'm done with perverts for awhile. Let this correspondence be a lesson to all of you amateur masseuses out there. It's all about the nugget zingers.

Peace out,

Shizzy

Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note .

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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