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Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments or ideas
to Shizzy Joyce.
These
are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL. Please
forgive us and enjoy!
Summer is finally over, my minions. Time to get back to work!
For those of you who enjoy watching me mess with the perverts, here
is one more twisted look into the pasty underbelly of American society.
Here, based on popular demand, I once again channel my female alter ego
Cindy Ockisard. Colby is a young guy from Boston who has posted a classified
ad looking for a legit massage partner. Apparently, his girlfriend doesn't
want to touch his fat ass. So sit back, relax, grab a cold one and act
like you're somehow better than this freak.
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Tue, 26 Aug 2003 11:00:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Massage
To: xxxxcolby@hotmail.com
Hi there. I would be very interested in becoming a massage partner
of yours. I'll send you a pic of me if you send me a pic of yourself.
I just graduated from Ole Miss and am new to the area. I am working
as a waitress, but I want to pursue a career as a dancer or massage
therapist. Hope to hear from you soon. :)
Cindy (It's really me, Shizzy!)
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From:
"Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 09:33:08 -0400
Cindy, Whats up? Yeah I work out a few times a week and get
pretty sore. I am in Boston and could probably host there one night
and if you could host one night that would be cool too. The picture
I am sending you is from about 2-3 years ago. I pretty much look
the same except for a goat-tee and a little longer hair. What area
do you live in? Im very good at giving massages and love receiving
them too. I have a girlfriend and I'm not really looking for anything
other than a massage. Not sure about you but I thought I would throw
that in there. Can you send me a picture and tell me a little about
you.
Colby
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Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 13:16:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>
Hi Colby. Glad to hear back from you so soon. Thanks for sending
the photo. You look kind of innocent but looks don't really matter
to me anyway since we are both just looking for a regular massage
so your slight weight problem is not an issue at all. Or the acne.
Also, I would ask that you shave off your goatee before we meet
because I'm not into all that hair but it's really your choice.
I'm really just looking for someone with good hands that can soothe
my muscles. I am at the computer all day looking for work and I
got excited when I saw your ad. I've been having trouble sending
pics with my new laptop but I will get it to you as soon as I can.
I am pretty hot if I don't say so myself. I was a pole dancer at
this bar on the Ole Miss campus and am in great shape. I've also
done some modeling. I would love to host a massage for you. This
is such a great idea! Well a little about myself.....I was born
and raised in Mississippi. I like hiking, kung fu movies, and Precious
Moments figurines. Also, I love dance clubs but I haven't found
any as of yet in the area. I also have a roommate Chelsea who is
also a dancer from Mississippi that is looking for massage work.
She is sort of crazy and slutty so I'm sure you wouldn't be interested
in her. SOOOO.......tell me about yourself.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Cindy
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From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 14:17:25 -0400
Whats up girl? Thanks but innocent is only partly true. Im
sure your cute you got the personality of a hot chick. There are
lots of hot clubs in the area. Ill be more than glad to show
you around. Ole Miss huh? I love them southern girls. Where do you
work out at and where do you live? Tell Chelsea I said Whats
up. Yeah I am 24 and live in Boston. I grew up in Bar Harbor and
moved out here 2 years ago. I'm still in school since I work full
time and can only go part time. Probably going to major in some
sort of business field. Im living with my girlfriend now but
she's moving out Oct. 1st and thats pretty much over at that point.
But yeah when are you trying to meet up and get started? I have
class Tuesdays and Thursdays but free pretty much throughout the
week if you let me know ahead of time.
Get back at me and send me a picture!
Colby
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Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 17:53:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>
Hey Colby! I'm sorry if I'm a little sketchy about not telling
you exactly where I live. I do live very near Boston about ten minutes
away. I just want to get to know you a little better before we take
the next step. I hope that is okay. You look like a really nice
guy even though you're not as tall as the men I usually like or
as muscular. I'm sure it will work out anyway. You seem really smart
and that's supposed to be important so I'm going to focus on that.
Anyway, it is a crazy world out there so I have to be careful. I
have to go in a sec, Chelsea and I are are about to go to the hot
tub. We get a little crazy in there. She thinks she's on a reality
show whenever we get in there and she always tries to tickle me
and take off my top. I am far from being a lesbian but she's really
nice to me and I drink a lot so stuff happens. Have you ever been
with two girls at once before? I can't wait to meet you. I've never
actually given many massages before so I hope you can teach me.
Oh and my parrot Chewy says hello. Do you like parrots? I love Chewy.
He goes everywhere I go. Too bad about your girlfriend but then
again maybe it is for the best. By the way, if you want some pointers
on a good diet, lemme know. Also, I know a dermatologist.
Write back!
Cindy
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From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2003 21:45:45 -0400
I totally understand I was just thinking you could tell me the
area though. Im not asking for your address. Wheres
the hot tub? You say your crazy whats up lets party. I'll
probably be the last one naked. Not that Im ashamed. I got
plenty but Ill let you all get down first. Yeah I've been with two
girls at once. The other girl was a lesbian but she still let me
get in her. I actually have a picture that will show you exactly
what Im all about down there but I don't usually send that
out and you still need to send me one. I'm not a pro either but
Ill make your body loose guaranteed. Ill start at your
toes and work my way up. Believe
me Ill take my time. I was thinking we could start out with
a few beers or wine or something. Do you drink wine? That usually
gets me pretty twisted quicker than beer. But yeah you'll enjoy
it I promise. Alright Ill talk to you later.
Colby
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I am so disgusted right now. This is the last time I pose as a girl.
This fucking wine drinking loser is about to send me a photo of
his tool. I need a shower.
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Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 12:55:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>
Hi Colby,
Oh my god, that's so funny you're about to send me a photo of your
Mr. Willy! If you do send one, it's probably a good idea to make
sure that your face and the rest of your body isn't in the shot.
I don't want you to get in trouble if someone sees it and I can
fantasize about it attached to a tall guy with lots of muscles.
Also, could you do me a favor. Could you grab a marker and write
my name on it? That would be so hilarious! Anyway, last night me
and Chelsea got so messed up. We were flashing people in the hottub.
It was so much fun! It was so Girls Gone Wild! Do you like role-playing
massages? My roommate has this idea that we could do a whole pirate
thing with you being our prisoner. We could even have my parrot
Chewy involved. I know this sounds totally out there and I'm sorry
you haven't gotten to see how hot we are but I promise you will
have plenty to tell your buddies about. I'm still working on sending
you pics. Can't wait to hear from you. By the way, have you tried
Accutane? It really helps to get rid of the blemishes. Not that
I care about that kind of stuff, but I thought you might be interested.
Cindy
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From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:39:07 -0400
What you think? I'm "up" for it. It would go something
like this. I would arrive and that would be stepping aboard your
ship. You'd take me prisoner and sit or lay me down. You'd fill
me full of poison (alcohol). Then you'd make me your ship slave
and make me do all sorts of krazy things for you and the your ship
mate. All up to you. I'm your prisoner remember. I'd have my hands
tied behind my back so it isn't possible for me to fight it. Whatever
you say I must do. Then after youre satisfied you realize
I am the wrong guy and try to make it up to me. You untie my hands
from behind my back and put my raincoat on and we end this thing
"happily". I think I can forgive you. So whats up girl?
Im trying to get flashed. What are you guys working with. Good Bodies
, bald ? So are we going to just drop the whole massage thing? I'm
not going to be in until about 10 probably but I hope to have a
response when I get home.
Colby
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Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:36:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>
That sounds like so much fun! I'm just relieved you're not some
weird pervert who doesn't care about the massage and just wants
sex! Chelsea wants to do all kinds of crazy things but honestly,
I told her you probably wouldn't be interested. The last guy that
came over she blindfolded and let Chewy go to work on his nipples
(my parrot hates nipples for some reason) Anyway, she just bought
these things called "nugget zingers" which she's really
anxious to use. They use four D batteries. I hope that doesn't scare
you off. You have really great ideas and I can't wait until we get
together!
Cindy
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From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 22:27:38 -0400
My best ideas come out usually when I am given a topic. I really
like the idea of being tied up. So how about something like I come
to your house to advertise this new sausage fresh to the area. When
I come in to show you, you are already getting down on some red
meat but would really like a sample. It takes a while for the sausage
to cook up and youre too hungry so while the sausage is blowing
up you continue to eat your pink meat. The sausage doesn't take
very long and your still hungry but instead you want to take in
all of my sausage so you tie me up and stuff the pink meat in my
face you cover me in all your favorite toppings. Well I aint having
it so I try to wrestle you down and cover both of you completely
in whatever it is you put on me. But your still hungry so you put
the sausage in your mouth and realize how good the sausage and pink
meat combination would be and you stick the sausage into the pink
meat. Not sure if your into Chocolate covered sausage or not but
if you are you can make that too. Meanwhile while one of you is
doing that the other is feeding me the other pink meat. This goes
on until the sausage bursts and sprays this white cream which you
gulp into your mouth and spit on me.Thats pretty weird actually.
Anyways whatever we decide I guarantee we'll have fun. You could
even just be my little freaky sluts or I could be your little bitch
boy. Whatever you want to do I am down. Gots to involve alcohol
though. I love to lick though but you must be fresh. Let me know
whats up and as soon as you send me the picture Ill
send you one of that new sausage in town. Get back to me tonight.
Oh yeah and I don't think I am ready for the battery cables.
Colby
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Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 21:21:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com>
Oh wow that sounds so hot! You obviously love food. By the way,
I think the Atkin's diet allows for sausage-eating as long as you
keep carbs to a minimum.
Listen to me you little milky licker, we are going to have so
much fun. Today my roommate and I bought some 'taint whips, a bottle
of yoohoo, and some nipple twizzlers just for you. I have the pic
I want to send you and it is of me and Chewy in this super sexy
pose! Now you have to promise to keep it to yourself when I send
it to you because I've been threatened by the animal humane society
several times. Hey, do you mind if I call you Fonzie? Even if we
do this pirate thing I really want to call you Fonzie. I really
like that name. You can call me whatever you want as long as it
isn't degrading. I hope this isn't too wacky for you. I am having
alot of fun. Please get back to me soon.
Later Fonzie! ;)
Cindy
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From: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com> |
To: Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Massage
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 09:33:08 -0400
Go ahead and send it. I promise not to show it around. I know were
going to have fun but when? I don't know about you but Im
ready. You can call me what ever you'd like I'll have to think of
one for you. So anyways I have class tonight but Im free after
730. Send me that picture and if you want give me your # too and
Ill call you. Have a good day. Lots of licks. Colby steak is very
filling.
Colby
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Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 09:13:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" <Cindy xxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Massage
To: "Colby Anderson" <xxxxcolby@hotmail.com
Mr. Anderson,
My name is Tom Ockisard and Cindy is my daughter. I regret to inform
you that she is not in her twenties, but in her teens. I have scanned
her correspondence with you and I am appalled. Cindy is 16 years
old. The kind of filthy talk that you two have been involved in
is frankly disgusting and I'm considering contacting your girlfriend
with this information. Cindy is now grounded and will not be allowed
to use the computer for at least a month. I ask that if she does
try and contact you that you do not reply or I shall contact the
authorities. With that said, I do not find you at all unattractive
or overweight. How many ounces is a Colby Steak? Please let me know.
Tom Ockisard
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I think I'm done
with perverts for awhile. Let this correspondence be a lesson to all of
you amateur masseuses out there. It's all about the nugget zingers.
Peace out,
Shizzy
Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note
.
**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names.
Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more
readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone
attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even
more free time on their hands than Shizzy.
Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.
1, 2,
3, 4,
5, 6,
7, 8,
9, 10,
11, 12,
13, 14,
15, 16,
17, 18,
19, 20,
21, 22,
23, 24,
25, 26,
27, 28,
29 , 30,
31, 32,
33, 34,
35, 36,
37, 38,
39, 40,
41, >
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