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Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.

 


  These are actual emails from actual people...plus Shizzy. Please forgive us and enjoy!

5.22.02

Hey Peeps,

Check out this week's emails where I represent adult actor Peter North who wants to hold a benefit golf tournament at a local country club. Porn actors are so giving, doncha think?

Peace Out.

Shizzy

Date: Sat, 13 Apr 2002 16:10:34 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> |Subject: Small Tournament To: i###@laurelridgegolf.com

I would like to know if it would be possible to organize a small tournament to be held at the Hazelwood Country Club. I represent an actor named Peter North who would like to put on a benefit tournament in western North Carolina. He is a frequent visitor to the area and has an apartment in Asheville. Mr. North would like to have a tournament consisting of fifteen people and possibly a small camera crew to document the event. If having this event at your Country Club might be possible please let us know so we can continue a dialogue about the matter.

Thanks,

Mike Ockisard (THAT'S ME, SHIZZY DUH!)

From: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com> | To: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Small Tournament Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 12:59:41 -0400

Dear Mr. Ockisard,

Thank you for your interest in the Hazelwood Country Club. It is possible to schedule a tournament here. Please call Jim Erst, Director of Golf, at 1-800-4##-7274 or 828-4##-0545. We would like to see what we can work out for you.

Thank you again. We look forward to seeing you at Hazelwood!

Date: Tue, 16 APR 2002 13:27:34 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> || Subject: Re: Small Tournament To: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com>

If at all possible I would like to communicate via e-mail. I have strep throat and am unable to speak. I would like to get some real planning done within the next couple of days and I fear my voice won't hold up for a conversation over the phone. I apologize for this unprofessional manner in which I am forced to resort to. Mr. North would like to have the tournament on a Saturday in the second or third week of June. Mr. North assures me that the tournament players he has in mind are all scratch golfers, so there shouldn't be any concern about them chopping up the course. We would like to know if there are some spots on the course that are photogenic enough to shoot some short interviews and possibly a couple of improvised scenes between North and some of the other tournament players. Once again I apologize for the inconvenience of not being able to call you in North Carolina. Mr. North insists that that area is the most beautiful in the country and is very enthusiastic about this event. I hope to have a productive dialogue with someone at Hazelwood that can help this idea come to life. Thank you for your time,

Mike Ockisard

From: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com> |To: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Small Tournament Date: Wed, 17 APR 2002 15:26:01 -0400

Dear Mr. Ockisard,

So sorry to hear about your strep throat. I know it can be quite painful. Mr. Erst is not currently in the office, but is aware of your latest e-mail. When he has finished running his errands, he will be able to let you know the availability of either Saturday, and will be able to start nailing down some details. There are many beautifully scenic places all throughout the course that I'm sure will appeal to you and Mr. North. We are looking forward to seeing you at Hazelwood.

Sincerely,

Laura Jones, Secretary to Mr. Erst
PS: If I may please ask...(my curiosity has gotten the better of me) you had mentioned that Mr. North is an actor. What films or plays has he appeared in? I'm trying to place the name, but I am having a little trouble with it.

Thank you!

Date: Wed, 17 APR 2002 23:39:13 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: Small Tournament To: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com>

That sounds fine. Mr. Erst can contact me any time at his convenience. Unless you are familiar with the adult entertainment industry you may have never heard of Mr. North's work. He has appeared in countless adult films and has amassed a large following of fans. Mr. North may be best known for his role as Dick Manly in Assmaster 3: The Return.. He has also managed to invest in several restaurant chains and a successful production company. Peter has a wife and two children and has residences in Los Angeles, New York, and Asheville. Hopefully Mr. North's profession, which is at times criticized, won't hinder the planning of the tournament. I assure you that the man is a professional and that the tournament he would like to have held at your country club would go as smoothly as any other. I hope to hear from Mr. Erst soon.

Thanks,

Mike

From: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com> |To: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Small Tournament Date: Thu, 18 APR 2002 09:58:59 -0400

Dear Mr. Ockisard,

How does Saturday, June 15, sound? Tee times would be after 1:00 p.m. Our normal rates are $55 on weekends & holidays; $53 on weekdays. The rates for Mr. North's group will be $48 per person (including cart). This is our weekend Golf Outing rate for 12 to 30 players. For 31 to 50 players, the rate is $45 per person (including cart).
Please let us know exactly how many players will be participating & how many extra carts will be needed for the camera crew. The only thing we ask is that the pace of play is not slowed down. The ranger will have complete authority over the pace of play.
We can secure that date & time slot now with either a Visa or Mastercard number (include expiration date & name, please).
I am sure that Mr. North & his friends will thoroughly enjoy the spectacular panoramic views. The course itself provides a stimulating challenge for golfers of all skill levels.
Dining at the "Garlic Clove Restaurant" here at Hazelwood is also an experience that should not be missed. Along with a full licensed bar (the only one in Waynesville), the gourmet menu is the finest in this area. Please let me know if I may assist in making reservations. After a long day of golf, it is wonderful to relax among friends & brag about your game.
Our professional staff will do their best to make Mr. North & his friends have a most enjoyable day. We look forward to seeing you at Hazelwood.

Laura
PS: How's the strep throat? The feeling of swallowing a Brillo Pad is not pleasant! Hope you feel better soon.

Date: Thu, 18 APR 2002 19:27:42 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: Small Tournament To: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com>

June 15th sounds great. 1:00pm would be fine for tee time. Mr. North has given his approval on the pricing for the tournament and is looking forward to making it official. We would like to know if we will need a permit of sorts to shoot a couple of interviews and scenes on the course during the tournament. Our camera crew consists of three gentlemen that we have worked with before, so there won't be any large production to distract other golfers. The scenes usually take only four to five minutes to film and the interviews will be even shorter. These scenes will document the tournament and to show that Mr. North and his colleagues in the industry are doing what they can to raise money for sex education funding for schools in inner city Los Angeles. This is a cause Mr. North is passionate about. If there is no need for a permit given the small crew then we would be ready to pay in full the amount you charge. I think that this will be an event that will both, support a good cause, and be fun for those participating.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Mike
P.S. Thanks for asking about my throat Laura. It is slowly getting better. Hopefully I will be able to use my voice again sometime soon.

From: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com> || To: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Small Tournament Date: Mon, 22 APR 2002 08:34:28 -0400

Dear Mr. Ockisard,

The price for the camera crew will be the same as the rest of Mr. North's tournament players at $48 per person. No permits are needed. Please give us your Visa/Mastercard number (with expiration date) to secure the tee times listed below for Sat., June 15. It will not be accessed until the day of the tournament and all players have checked in to our Pro Shop.
The tee times are as follows: 1:00, 1:10 & 1:20.
It sounds like a very worthy cause to raise money for. We have a number of individuals in our area that use our course for benefit tournaments such as Habitat for Humanity, Hayesville Regional Medical Center, The Cancer Foundation, Hayesville Animal Welfare Assoc., D.A.R.E., and many more. It helps keep us busy!
Please remember that I would be very happy to secure reservations for dinner for Mr. North & his friends at the Garlic Clove Restaurant here at Hazelwood.
If Mr. North need directions on getting here or has any other questions, do not hesitate to call me at: (828) 452-0545 or outside of NC 1-800-433-7274.
Thanks again for choosing Hazelwood!

E-mail me soon.

Laura

Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 10:27:08 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: Small Tournament To: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com>

Peter just gave me a ring and he threw me a curve ball. He is going to give me his credit card information by noon tomorrow so that I can secure a tee time and reservations. He also informed me that he would like for the improvised scenes to be used in a movie called Caddyshaft 3: Balls In The Woods. So, the tournament as we see it would go mostly as we have planned. All of the pricing and accommodations sound terrific. The only change in planning is that the scenes shot on your course will include some "soft core" love making by our actors/tournament players to be used in the film. Please know that we have no intentions of filming an entire movie on your course. We would only need two or three five minute sessions of filming that would involve partial nudity. I hope that we can still move forward and make concrete plans.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Mike

From: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com> || To: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Small Tournament Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 16:51:47 -0400

Dear Mr. Ockisard,

Please offer Mr. North our apologies that filming at Hazelwood cannot proceed as he had planned. However, we would still be pleased to go through with the tee time reservations for Mr. North’s tournament if he wishes.
Unfortunately, Hazelwood is within a residential community where local and state ordinances forbid any public nudity. Even though we are a private golf course, the public is welcome to play golf with restricted tee times. Mr. North and his friends are still welcome to play their benefit tournament as planned and document that particular event, but any display of nudity of any sort is not an option. Please let me know if you wish to proceed.

Sincerely,

James R. Erst, Director of Golf/General Manager

Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 21:52:49 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <mich####@yahoo.com> || Subject: Re: Small Tournament To: "lrcc" <####@laurelridgegolf.com>

I was afraid that nudity might be an issue. We attempted to do some filming at Disney World and we ran into the same problem. As someone who was once in the business as an actor I am not offended by naked people. I do however recognize that most people have their reservations about public displays of affection. When we film nude scenes we usually have people holding up sheets to hide the love making from passersby and onlookers. If even with this precaution taken we would not be able to film, we will be forced to make plans to hold the tournament elsewhere. Peter has been struggling lately as an actor and his reliance on performance enhancing drugs has clouded his judgement. I fear that because his latest movie "Naked Carney" bombed at adult video stores he has been treading water career wise. "Carney" could have been a great work if not for North's insistance of having midgets dressed as clowns wrestle him in a giant bowl of jello. If with sheet holders we can film the scenes, we would be ready to make it official.

Thanks,

Mike Ockisard

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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