|
Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments
or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.
These are actual emails from actual
people. Please forgive us and enjoy!
In this week's set-up, I am posing as Fred Hewson, Vice President
of Shizzy Records, who represents a shady recording artist by the
name of Kastro, The Rhyme Decapitator. I'm trying to get permission
to use his resort for filming our latest video. This wasn't an easy
one but I think you'll find it amusing anyway. Make sure you check
out the other emails if you haven't done so. You can find the link
to these at the bottom of the page. Peace out.
Shizzy
|
Date: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 08:22:48 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred
Hewson" <mac###@yahoo.com> Subject: Rap shoot To:
info@###kinn.com
Dear Sir,
On behalf of everyone here at Shizzy Records let me say we
feel the Grove Park Inn is one of the most beautiful and elegant
resorts in the country. Many of our clients and employess
have visited Asheville and we rave about it all the time.
The reason for my letter is I am inquiring about a possible
oppurtunity that could arise as early this summer. An up and
coming recording artist of ours named Kastro The Rhyme Decapitator
is going to be shooting a video in the area and we would like
to have the cast and crew of the video to be able to stay
at the Grove Park Inn. We would like to also film the opening
scene of the video near the giant fireplace in your lobby.
Kastro is a native of the Asheville area and would love to
incorporate the Grove Park into his new video. I hope we can
work something out.
Fred Hewson
Vice President, Shizzy Records (THAT'S
ME SHIZZY!)
|
|
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 10:54:07 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@###n.com> |To: ma###@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Please give me a call and we can discuss your request. You
can
reach me at (800) 4##-0050, Ext. 50##.
Dave Tomsky
Media and Public Relations Manager
|
|
Dave,
In 1988 I was the victim of a drive-by shooting and I now
talk with the aid of an electronic voice box. Unfortunately,
over the phone the voice box is ineffective. If it would be
possible for us to discuss this via email, I would appreciate
it. Kastro is in the studio working on his new album, which
will be wrapped up by the end of the month. We would like
to start shooting the video around the 4th of July. Meyer
says that there will be 50 people working on the video and
we would like to keep 30 at the Grove Park. I hope we can
work something out.
Fred Hewson
Vice President, Shizzy Records
|
|
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 15:47:36 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@###n.com> To: ma###@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
We can work via email without any problem. There are two
issues here, as I see it: accommodations for the crew and
use of the hotel as a location for shooting. We have plenty
of rooms available beginning July 4, and for quite some time
afterward; I'll need to know how long you'll want these 30
rooms, and beginning and ending dates if possible. Whether
you can shoot here is dependent to some degree on the content
of the video, the amount of disruption to other guests it
might create, and the implied endorsement of the hotel to
the video product. We may be able to get around any potential
concerns in this area by videotaping somewhere out of the
traffic flow and where the hotel's not recognizable to the
viewer. Shooting in the Great Hall lobby in front of our fireplace
may be a problem. We can work in the middle of the night,
of course, but if there's noise, that will also be problematical.
Let's continue to discuss. If it looks like we can support
the production phase (If that's a precondition from your perspective)
then we can move on to negotiating room rates with our sales
department.
Dave
|
|
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:30:58 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred
Hewson" <ma###@yahoo.com>Subject: Re: Rap shoot
To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3##n.com>
Dave,
The director of the video, Sergio Landalena, has informed
me that the theme of the video will be a "moving on up"
Jeffersons-type plot. The shoot will include Kastro in his
old neighborhood riding around with friends. The later part
of the video will show Kastro golfing, playing croquet, drinking
champagne, and driving a Rolls Royce. The scene proposed involving
the lobby of the Grove Park is simply Kastro checking into
the inn with two of his girlfriends. Sergio says that the
lobby scene could be shot in under a half an hour. This includes
set up and everything. He assures me there will be little
noise coming from the shoot and it shouldn't be that much
of a distraction. He says that past shoots have been more
of an attraction to passersbys hoping to see someone famous
then a distraction to those working in the area. If this sounds
reasonable then we can move forward making more concrete plans.
Thank you for your time.
Fred Hewson
|
|
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 07:49:52 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@#3##n.com>To: ma###8@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Thanks for the additional information on the video. I still
can't commit to participating, although I'm willing to continue
the dialogue. I think the next step is for you to contact
Pola Laughlin, one of our sales managers, to discuss possible
rates; she's an info addressee to this response, and has already
been briefed on the situation. I'd also like some information
on your record company and on Kastro, if you don't mind providing
it; I can't find it on the Internet. We can continue to "talk"
this way, even though the project is outside our normal activities;
we'd very much like to have your business if it works for
both of us.
Dave
|
|
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 12:52:06 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred
Hewson" <ma###@yahoo.com>Subject: Re: Rap shoot
To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3###n.com>
David:
I would like to provide information on the record company
and Kastro via our website, but it is
currently down. Our web site consultant has proved to be incompetent
and we have hired a new designer to get
things back to normal. I realize that this is very unprofessional
and I can assure you I have been
quite displeased with this development.
I can tell you that Shizzy records was started by Meyer Siegal
and myself ten years ago in Northport, Alabama. Meyer at the
time was working as a PR director of a Birmingham record company
called B-Ham Productions. The now defunct company was relatively
successful in
finding up-and-coming artists and exposing them to bigger
companies. This meant that B-Ham was helping both the artist
and larger record companies, but it wasn't making enough money
to suppport itself. Meyer then jumped ship and we ran into
each other in the studio. I was managing a rapper who was
doing some recording and Meyer was looking for talent to be
a part of his new label. We
talked and decided we would work together and try to make
his new label a success. In 1995, while in Los Angeles, we
met Kastro at a studio doing some recording. Because he is
an American Indian, Kastro wasn't getting the respect we thought
he deserved as a gifted lyricist and performer. We signed
him and his brother to our label. They are now our two hottest
acts. They have been performing at clubs in
Birmingham and have had many headlining gigs in the Atlanta
area.
Both Kastro and his brother, who goes by the name Crazy Horse,
are Cherokee Indians by blood who were raised in the Pisgah
View area of Asheville. They are two very nice young men who
have the drive and the discipline to make it big in the industry.
Once again I apologize for your not being able to view our
website and I hope I have given you some backround information
that you have found useful. The site should be up and running
again in a couple of days. I understand that the Grove Park
Inn isn't the kind of place that is a regular hangout for
rappers, but I can assure you that Shizzy Records is a professionally-operated
business and that none of our employess or acts engage in
criminal activity of any kind. I hope to continue this dialogue
with you and I will contact Pola so we can discuss room rates.
Thanks,
Fred
|
|
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 07:49:52 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" dtomsky@3###n.com To: ma####@yahoo.com Subject:
Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Thanks for providing the additional information, which is
very
useful. At this point, I am going to take the proposal to
our Director of
Marketing for his review before proceding further.
I will let you know as soon as he decides whether to approve
and move
forward with more detailed planning.
Dave
|
|
Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 10:38:41 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@3###n.com> To: ma###@yahoo.comSubject:
Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Just found out our Director of Marketing will be on vacation
for the next two weeks, so don't expect an answer until mid-April.
Sorry.
Dave
|
|
Date: Sun, 31 Mar 2002 22:58:26 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred
Hewson" ma####@yahoo.co m Subject: Re: Rap shoot To:
"David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>
Talks for room rates can wait, mid-April will be fine. Kastro
is wrapping things up in the studio and we are making arrangements
for other shooting locations in the Asheville area. We have
secured spots on the Blue Ridge Parkway and in Cherokee, NC
at Harrah's casino. We are also interested in shooting a scene
near some waterfalls. Do you know of any waterfalls in the
WNC area? Kastro knows there are some around but doesn't know
exactly where they are located. The director has the idea
of having Kastro on some rocks in front of a waterfall with
a tiger on a leash. Where we can rent a tiger is beyond me.
This idea seems a bit over the top in my opinion, but that
seems to be the trend in rap videos these days. Any info you
can give me, or web sites to visit, on waterfall locations
would be greatly appreciated. Word. Talk to you later,
Fred Hewson
|
|
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 2002 09:28:06 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>To: ma####@yahoo.co
m Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Re waterfalls, suggest you email Angela Velasquez at the
Asheville Convention and Visitors Bureau, avelasquez@ashevillechamber.org.
Dave
|
|
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 2002 14:22:04 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred
Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com>Subject: Re: Rap shoot
To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>
David:
Thanks for connecting me with Angela. I hope you don't mind
answering a few questions. Meyer wanted me to ask you some
things concerning the shoot. 1. How far is it from Asheville
to Cherokee NC? 2. On the calender of events it says there
is a fireworks display on the 4th of July. Is this a show
put on by the city of Asheville or by the Grove Park Inn?
Also, if you could level with us as to the probability that
we will be able to shoot in the hotel we would appreciate
it. If this is an unrealistic proposition we don't want to
waste your time. We are starting to make plans in the area
and are in talks with a resort nearby to do some shooting
on their golf course. We want very much to keep the cast and
crew at the Grove Park Inn and shooting done at your establishment
would be a great convenience for us. Thank you for your time,
Fred
|
|
Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 08:21:52 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####nn.com> To: ma####@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
It's about an hour from Asheville to Cherokee. The July
4 fireworks are in downtown Asheville. As for the likelihood...I
just can't predict what our DOM will decide. We're in the
business of selling rooms, and you want to buy. I know you
were talking about 30 rooms; can you tell me how many nights?
Once I know, I'll try to get you an answer as soon as possible.
Thanks,
David
|
|
Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 00:29:57 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred
Hewson" <ma####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Rap shoot
To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>
Thanks David.
Yes, we would like thirty rooms, all non-smoking, for two
nights. We would like all the
rooms to be single king sized beds. We would also like one
of the rooms to be a sweet reserved for
Kastro. Kastro likes to have champagne, flowers, a video game
system, and assorted candies provided with his room during
his stays at hotels.
If the Inn cannot provide these things his management team
will purchase and deliver them to his room. If the Inn can
provide these things that would be a great service to us.
Kastro also has a parrot that he carries with him everywhere.
So whether or not animals are aloud at the Grove Park Inn
is another issue at hand. The bird is very human-like, and
it isn't messy at all. If the Inn has a zero-tolerance policy
towards animals we understand completely, and other arrangements
will be made for the bird. I hope we can work things out so
that this event greatly benefits the Grove Park Inn and Shizzy
Records.
Thanks for your time,
Fred
|
|
Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 10:03:04 -0500 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com> To: ma#####@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Thanks so very much for inquiring about rooms and locations
at the Grove Park Inn for your upcoming video; I've enjoyed
"chatting" with you this way, and learning about
Kastro's work. Unfortunately, we won't be able to accommodate
your crew per your request. We expect to be full over the
Fourth of July holiday and need to make sure we have rooms
for families and leisure travelers at that time. I appreciate
the hard work that's gone into the dialogue, hope you will
find suitable accommodations elsewhere in the area, and wish
you well on this and future projects.
Sincerely,
Dave Tomsky
|
|
Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2002 01:07:52 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred
Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: Rap shoot
To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com>
David:
I thank you for your time spent conversing with me on this
project. As it turns out we will be shooting most of our video
at a grocery store parking lot. We have also had other problems
to deal with. Yesterday Kastro's brother was caught stealing
batteries from a convenience store. I would like to ask you
if you would know where we could purchase a golf cart. We
would like to purchase one for Kastro to drive during the
shoot. We have arranged for him to skydive out of an airplane
and land in the cart that has three girlies and his parrot
inside. He would then drive the cart, which has a tinted windshield
and gold rims, to a fried chicken and waffle restaurant. There
he will be seen eating with topless dancers, a couple of midgets,
and Pee Wee Herman. Paul Reubens is my cousin and he owes
me a favor. Also, if you would like to make a cameo in the
video we would be happy to accommodate you.
Thanks,
Fred
|
|
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 08:58:37 -0400 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com>To: mac####@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Sorry about your ongoing challenges, but glad your shoot
is
working out. I really have no idea where you'd buy a golf
cart; sounds like you'd
have to buy if you're going to modify.
Dave
|
|
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002 06:56:34 -0700 (PDT) From: "Fred
Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: Rap
shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3######n.com>
Dave:
Sergio has you playing a Jamaican Druglord who tries to recruit
Kastro to be his number one kingpin
in America. All you'd have to do is say "C'mon Kastro,
you're one of us now! Let's have a couple of
forties you big nick-nack gangsta!" Are you interested?
If so, we would love to have you be a part
of the production.
Fred
P.S. Even if you're not black you can play the part. We
have a guy in makeup who is a genius.
|
|
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 12:41:12 -0400 From: "David
Tomsky" <dtomsky@#####n.com> |To: ma#####@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Rap shoot
Fred:
Thanks...but I'll pass.
Dave
|
|
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002 10:20:32 -0700 (PDT) From: "Fred
Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: Rap shoot
To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com>
David:
Shizzy Records is going under and I am out of here. Do you
think I could work as scenery at your resort? I will work
for seeds. Peace out.
Larry
Kastro's Parrot
|
**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except
for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails
are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind
of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than
Shizzy.
Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.
1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9,
10, 11, 12,
13, 14, 15,
16, 17,
18, 19, 20,
21, 22, 23,
24, 25, 26,
27, 28, 29
, 30, 31,
32, 33, 34,
35, 36, 37,
38, 39, 40,
41, >
SEND
THIS PAGE TO A FRIEND!
|