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Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.


  These are actual emails from actual people.  Please forgive us and enjoy!

 

In this week's set-up, I am posing as Fred Hewson, Vice President of Shizzy Records, who represents a shady recording artist by the name of Kastro, The Rhyme Decapitator. I'm trying to get permission to use his resort for filming our latest video. This wasn't an easy one but I think you'll find it amusing anyway. Make sure you check out the other emails if you haven't done so. You can find the link to these at the bottom of the page. Peace out.

Shizzy

Date: Sun, 24 Mar 2002 08:22:48 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred Hewson" <mac###@yahoo.com> Subject: Rap shoot To: info@###kinn.com

Dear Sir,

On behalf of everyone here at Shizzy Records let me say we feel the Grove Park Inn is one of the most beautiful and elegant resorts in the country. Many of our clients and employess have visited Asheville and we rave about it all the time. The reason for my letter is I am inquiring about a possible oppurtunity that could arise as early this summer. An up and coming recording artist of ours named Kastro The Rhyme Decapitator is going to be shooting a video in the area and we would like to have the cast and crew of the video to be able to stay at the Grove Park Inn. We would like to also film the opening scene of the video near the giant fireplace in your lobby. Kastro is a native of the Asheville area and would love to incorporate the Grove Park into his new video. I hope we can work something out.


Fred Hewson
Vice President, Shizzy Records (THAT'S ME SHIZZY!)

Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 10:54:07 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@###n.com> |To: ma###@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Please give me a call and we can discuss your request. You can
reach me at (800) 4##-0050, Ext. 50##.

Dave Tomsky
Media and Public Relations Manager

Dave,

In 1988 I was the victim of a drive-by shooting and I now talk with the aid of an electronic voice box. Unfortunately, over the phone the voice box is ineffective. If it would be possible for us to discuss this via email, I would appreciate it. Kastro is in the studio working on his new album, which will be wrapped up by the end of the month. We would like to start shooting the video around the 4th of July. Meyer says that there will be 50 people working on the video and we would like to keep 30 at the Grove Park. I hope we can work something out.

Fred Hewson

Vice President, Shizzy Records

Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 15:47:36 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@###n.com> To: ma###@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

We can work via email without any problem. There are two issues here, as I see it: accommodations for the crew and use of the hotel as a location for shooting. We have plenty of rooms available beginning July 4, and for quite some time afterward; I'll need to know how long you'll want these 30 rooms, and beginning and ending dates if possible. Whether you can shoot here is dependent to some degree on the content of the video, the amount of disruption to other guests it might create, and the implied endorsement of the hotel to the video product. We may be able to get around any potential concerns in this area by videotaping somewhere out of the traffic flow and where the hotel's not recognizable to the viewer. Shooting in the Great Hall lobby in front of our fireplace may be a problem. We can work in the middle of the night, of course, but if there's noise, that will also be problematical. Let's continue to discuss. If it looks like we can support the production phase (If that's a precondition from your perspective) then we can move on to negotiating room rates with our sales department.

Dave

Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:30:58 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred Hewson" <ma###@yahoo.com>Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3##n.com>

Dave,

The director of the video, Sergio Landalena, has informed me that the theme of the video will be a "moving on up" Jeffersons-type plot. The shoot will include Kastro in his old neighborhood riding around with friends. The later part of the video will show Kastro golfing, playing croquet, drinking champagne, and driving a Rolls Royce. The scene proposed involving the lobby of the Grove Park is simply Kastro checking into the inn with two of his girlfriends. Sergio says that the lobby scene could be shot in under a half an hour. This includes set up and everything. He assures me there will be little noise coming from the shoot and it shouldn't be that much of a distraction. He says that past shoots have been more of an attraction to passersbys hoping to see someone famous then a distraction to those working in the area. If this sounds reasonable then we can move forward making more concrete plans. Thank you for your time.

Fred Hewson

Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 07:49:52 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@#3##n.com>To: ma###8@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Thanks for the additional information on the video. I still can't commit to participating, although I'm willing to continue the dialogue. I think the next step is for you to contact Pola Laughlin, one of our sales managers, to discuss possible rates; she's an info addressee to this response, and has already been briefed on the situation. I'd also like some information on your record company and on Kastro, if you don't mind providing it; I can't find it on the Internet. We can continue to "talk" this way, even though the project is outside our normal activities; we'd very much like to have your business if it works for both of us.

Dave

Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 12:52:06 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred Hewson" <ma###@yahoo.com>Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3###n.com>

David:

I would like to provide information on the record company and Kastro via our website, but it is
currently down. Our web site consultant has proved to be incompetent and we have hired a new designer to get
things back to normal. I realize that this is very unprofessional and I can assure you I have been
quite displeased with this development.

I can tell you that Shizzy records was started by Meyer Siegal and myself ten years ago in Northport, Alabama. Meyer at the time was working as a PR director of a Birmingham record company called B-Ham Productions. The now defunct company was relatively successful in
finding up-and-coming artists and exposing them to bigger companies. This meant that B-Ham was helping both the artist and larger record companies, but it wasn't making enough money to suppport itself. Meyer then jumped ship and we ran into each other in the studio. I was managing a rapper who was doing some recording and Meyer was looking for talent to be a part of his new label. We
talked and decided we would work together and try to make his new label a success. In 1995, while in Los Angeles, we met Kastro at a studio doing some recording. Because he is an American Indian, Kastro wasn't getting the respect we thought he deserved as a gifted lyricist and performer. We signed him and his brother to our label. They are now our two hottest acts. They have been performing at clubs in
Birmingham and have had many headlining gigs in the Atlanta area.

Both Kastro and his brother, who goes by the name Crazy Horse, are Cherokee Indians by blood who were raised in the Pisgah View area of Asheville. They are two very nice young men who have the drive and the discipline to make it big in the industry. Once again I apologize for your not being able to view our website and I hope I have given you some backround information that you have found useful. The site should be up and running again in a couple of days. I understand that the Grove Park Inn isn't the kind of place that is a regular hangout for rappers, but I can assure you that Shizzy Records is a professionally-operated business and that none of our employess or acts engage in criminal activity of any kind. I hope to continue this dialogue with you and I will contact Pola so we can discuss room rates.

Thanks,

Fred


Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 07:49:52 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" dtomsky@3###n.com To: ma####@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Thanks for providing the additional information, which is very
useful. At this point, I am going to take the proposal to our Director of
Marketing for his review before proceding further.
I will let you know as soon as he decides whether to approve and move
forward with more detailed planning.

Dave

Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 10:38:41 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3###n.com> To: ma###@yahoo.comSubject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Just found out our Director of Marketing will be on vacation for the next two weeks, so don't expect an answer until mid-April. Sorry.

Dave

Date: Sun, 31 Mar 2002 22:58:26 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred Hewson" ma####@yahoo.co m Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>

Talks for room rates can wait, mid-April will be fine. Kastro is wrapping things up in the studio and we are making arrangements for other shooting locations in the Asheville area. We have secured spots on the Blue Ridge Parkway and in Cherokee, NC at Harrah's casino. We are also interested in shooting a scene near some waterfalls. Do you know of any waterfalls in the WNC area? Kastro knows there are some around but doesn't know exactly where they are located. The director has the idea of having Kastro on some rocks in front of a waterfall with a tiger on a leash. Where we can rent a tiger is beyond me. This idea seems a bit over the top in my opinion, but that seems to be the trend in rap videos these days. Any info you can give me, or web sites to visit, on waterfall locations would be greatly appreciated. Word. Talk to you later,

Fred Hewson

Date: Mon, 01 Apr 2002 09:28:06 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>To: ma####@yahoo.co m Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Re waterfalls, suggest you email Angela Velasquez at the
Asheville Convention and Visitors Bureau, avelasquez@ashevillechamber.org.

Dave

Date: Mon, 1 Apr 2002 14:22:04 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com>Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>

David:

Thanks for connecting me with Angela. I hope you don't mind answering a few questions. Meyer wanted me to ask you some things concerning the shoot. 1. How far is it from Asheville to Cherokee NC? 2. On the calender of events it says there is a fireworks display on the 4th of July. Is this a show put on by the city of Asheville or by the Grove Park Inn? Also, if you could level with us as to the probability that we will be able to shoot in the hotel we would appreciate it. If this is an unrealistic proposition we don't want to waste your time. We are starting to make plans in the area and are in talks with a resort nearby to do some shooting on their golf course. We want very much to keep the cast and crew at the Grove Park Inn and shooting done at your establishment would be a great convenience for us. Thank you for your time,

Fred

Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 08:21:52 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####nn.com> To: ma####@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

It's about an hour from Asheville to Cherokee. The July 4 fireworks are in downtown Asheville. As for the likelihood...I just can't predict what our DOM will decide. We're in the business of selling rooms, and you want to buy. I know you were talking about 30 rooms; can you tell me how many nights? Once I know, I'll try to get you an answer as soon as possible.
Thanks,

David

Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 00:29:57 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred Hewson" <ma####@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3####n.com>

Thanks David.

Yes, we would like thirty rooms, all non-smoking, for two nights. We would like all the
rooms to be single king sized beds. We would also like one of the rooms to be a sweet reserved for
Kastro. Kastro likes to have champagne, flowers, a video game system, and assorted candies provided with his room during his stays at hotels.
If the Inn cannot provide these things his management team will purchase and deliver them to his room. If the Inn can provide these things that would be a great service to us. Kastro also has a parrot that he carries with him everywhere. So whether or not animals are aloud at the Grove Park Inn is another issue at hand. The bird is very human-like, and it isn't messy at all. If the Inn has a zero-tolerance policy towards animals we understand completely, and other arrangements will be made for the bird. I hope we can work things out so that this event greatly benefits the Grove Park Inn and Shizzy Records.

Thanks for your time,

Fred

Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 10:03:04 -0500 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com> To: ma#####@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Thanks so very much for inquiring about rooms and locations at the Grove Park Inn for your upcoming video; I've enjoyed "chatting" with you this way, and learning about Kastro's work. Unfortunately, we won't be able to accommodate your crew per your request. We expect to be full over the Fourth of July holiday and need to make sure we have rooms for families and leisure travelers at that time. I appreciate the hard work that's gone into the dialogue, hope you will find suitable accommodations elsewhere in the area, and wish you well on this and future projects.

Sincerely,

Dave Tomsky

Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2002 01:07:52 -0800 (PST) From: "Fred Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com>

David:

I thank you for your time spent conversing with me on this project. As it turns out we will be shooting most of our video at a grocery store parking lot. We have also had other problems to deal with. Yesterday Kastro's brother was caught stealing batteries from a convenience store. I would like to ask you if you would know where we could purchase a golf cart. We would like to purchase one for Kastro to drive during the shoot. We have arranged for him to skydive out of an airplane and land in the cart that has three girlies and his parrot inside. He would then drive the cart, which has a tinted windshield and gold rims, to a fried chicken and waffle restaurant. There he will be seen eating with topless dancers, a couple of midgets, and Pee Wee Herman. Paul Reubens is my cousin and he owes me a favor. Also, if you would like to make a cameo in the video we would be happy to accommodate you.

Thanks,

Fred

Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 08:58:37 -0400 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com>To: mac####@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Sorry about your ongoing challenges, but glad your shoot is
working out. I really have no idea where you'd buy a golf cart; sounds like you'd
have to buy if you're going to modify.

Dave

Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002 06:56:34 -0700 (PDT) From: "Fred Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3######n.com>

Dave:

Sergio has you playing a Jamaican Druglord who tries to recruit Kastro to be his number one kingpin
in America. All you'd have to do is say "C'mon Kastro, you're one of us now! Let's have a couple of
forties you big nick-nack gangsta!" Are you interested? If so, we would love to have you be a part
of the production.

Fred
P.S. Even if you're not black you can play the part. We
have a guy in makeup who is a genius.

Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 12:41:12 -0400 From: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@#####n.com> |To: ma#####@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Rap shoot

Fred:

Thanks...but I'll pass.
Dave

Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002 10:20:32 -0700 (PDT) From: "Fred Hewson" <ma#####@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: Rap shoot To: "David Tomsky" <dtomsky@3#####n.com>

David:

Shizzy Records is going under and I am out of here. Do you think I could work as scenery at your resort? I will work for seeds. Peace out.

Larry
Kastro's Parrot

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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