Home |
Past Issues |
Bob Jobs |
Who's in Charge |
Mailing List |
Bob Gear |
Copyright Notice For Plagiarists
 

Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.


  These are actual emails from actual people.  Please forgive us and enjoy!

Hey Peeps

Like most 21st century renaissance men, after a hard day of writing emails, I usually like to drink myself in a stupor and go bowling. I certainly hope this hasn’t blown your fantasy of me! Truth is, I’ve always had a dream of maybe one day going pro, but until that happens I will have to be satisfied with my tan stretch pants and combover. If only I had a new hairdresser, I just might become a bowling superstar. Enjoy!

Shizzy

Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 00:26:13 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | | Subject: Supercuts Stylist To: <hairstyle45@xxxx.com

Hi Bruce. A friend of mine was telling me about what a great job you did on his hair. I need your help. I am a professional bowler and I have my first televised tournament the last weekend in August. My friend made me promise to give you the chance to style my hair. I am a young bowler and I am trying to bring some flashiness to the bowling world. I would like to do something different to my hair to complement my non-traditional clothing. I have long brown hair that is all hair sprayed up. People tell me I look like Jon Bon Jovi only hotter. I would love to hear some of your ideas. How wild can we get? How much do you charge? Do you do coloring? I hope to hear from you soon!

Mike (THAT'S ME SHIZZY!)

Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 18:13:16 -0700 (PDT) From:"Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> || Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>

Mike, Hey guy. I would be elated to do your hair. As far as what to do with it, I must see it first before making any rash judgement calls. There are many different things that we can do. As far as cost, we can work it out. We can buy the color or whatever and I will do it for you just for the pride of doing it. I won't charge a thing! My home number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I am no longer at Supercuts. I only do specific peoples hair now. I am exclusive now, LOL! Give me a call and I will be glad to arrange a time for us to get together. Anytime will be fine, I can work around most things. Keep In Touch.

BRUCE

Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002 01:21:02 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> ||Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To:"Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>

Hi Bruce!

Great to hear from you! I would like to contact you over the phone, but I am unable to because of a handicap. This is going to sound crazy and often people don't believe me, but this is a true story... When I was a kid I lived in Detroit, and I used to hang around the railroad tracks. I would hop from car to car hitching rides from suburb to suburb. One day I got into a fight with a hobo and he cut my throat with an old rusty fork. Luckily I wasn't killed, but today my voice is at a very low volume and scratchy. In person we could communicate fine, but over the phone it is nearly impossible to hear me. I am aware that this is an inconvenience for any planning we would like to do, but I would appreciate it very much if we could have an initial dialogue concerning my hair via e-mail. My manager is trying to incorporate my raspy voice into my pro-bowling persona that can be complemented by a unique hairdo. I would like to know if it would be possible for us to do some planning in the coming weeks before we meet. We want to get wild. The bowling world is ready for someone to step out and give the sport the attention is deserves. My manager says he wants my hair to demand attention the way Dennis Rodman's did. I hope I am not scaring you off. We have contacted some barbers in the area and they simply didn't want to be a part of our planning. They were all pretty old fashioned and weren't open to new ideas on hairstyle. So, Bruce I hope you are interested. If you want me to send you some pictures of my hair, I can if that would help. I really want to get the ball rolling. Please contact me soon with all of your thoughts and ideas.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Mike

Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 06:29:24 -0700 (PDT) From:"Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> | Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>

Mike, Hey guy!! Pictures would be fine and we can go from there. I am sorry to hear about your voice but God does things for a reason. We will definitely go wild. I have several ideas already of what we can do. Dennis Rodman will be jealous when we are done!!! Keep In Touch. I check this usually everyday or every other day. Look forward to doing this and I appreciate the honor that
you have bestowed on me.

Bruce

Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 13:44:01 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> || Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>

Hey Bruce.

I am having trouble finding pictures of me with hair that looks like it does now. I can tell you that right now it looks like David Bowie in Labyrinth with a mullet. I am willing to do anything to it. Maybe I can make a political statement like Rodman did. Maybe I can punk it out with colors or get a mohawk. I want something that will attract a lot of attention, but not restrict my movement. I also have a little bit of a beard going that I could grow out and style. Would that be a good idea? You are the stylist. I am putting myself at your mercy when I get there. Give me some ideas that we can throw around. I will send you some pics as soon as I can.

Thanks Bruce,

Mike

Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 07:55:30 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> |Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>

Mike,

Goatees and sideburns are really hot right now. Short colored hair is also the rave. The mullet is got to go!!! LOL! We can cut and color the top of your hair to look like a bowling ball. We can do an outrageous color series. We can even do a Mohawk but have a multicolored one. The things to do are endless. Cant wait to meet you and get this under way .My creativeness is running wild with the possibilties. I am wondering though, who is the friend that sent you my way? I have been racking my brain to try to figure it out. Anyway, we can even put colored gel in your goatee. Again its endless. Just let me know when and where so I can make arrangements to be there.

BE GOOD,
Bruce

Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 10:39:51 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>

Bruce,

I am still not sure what I want to do with my hair, but I think that I would like to have a colored fu manchu thing going with the goat. Can you color a fu manchu fire engine red? I agree that the mullet has to go. My manager told me yesterday that this tournament will be shown on ESPN. I can' t believe I am going to be on TV! You have to make me look like a lunatic. I have a very large amount of chest hair. This is the kind of chest hair that swallows gold necklaces and blows in the wind. What if we colored the top part of my chest hair? When I was in the seventh grade a couple of girls put my chest hair in little braids while I was passed out. That is how long this stuff is. Could we use it? My buddy is Travis "Gipper" Ferguson. He said that he had always gone to this barber named Red who gave him a buzz cut no matter how much he said he didn't want one. So, he went to your place and got himself a new style. I will send you a pic of me as soon as possible. Get back at me soon.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 16:51:12 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> || Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>

Mike,

We can do whatever you like. The chest hair thing is a little over the top. Must be cool being a big old bear. The FU thing is totally cool and I was thinking the same thing. You must tell me when you will be on TV so I can tape it. Let me know when you want to do this so I can arrange the time span needed to do this. I look forward to helping you. You will be the star of the show when I get done.

Just keep IN touch.

Bruce

Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 10:30:57 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>

Bruce,

The tournament is on the second Friday in August. My manager says the tournament will last two days with the finals being televised on Saturday afternoon. I am glad you're up for making me look nuts. I just did a couple of interviews with some sports reporters. I think I have already caused a buzz in the bowling world with my comments on how bland it is. I also personally attacked Bob F. Accounti. He is another young player who is about to break into the circuit. He is a bit overweight and I referred to him as the "Louie Anderson" of pro bowling. When I go to tournaments I always have my parrot with me. His name is The Edge. On the tour people call me "The Bird Whisperer". The Edge is the smartest bird in the world. He can sing the first two lines of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire". Anyway, maybe some hair coloring that would complement The Edge's feathers would look cool. He is green with some orange and yellow on his face. Promise to get you a picture of me soon. You are going to laugh when you see my 80's Poison mullet. Where would you like to meet to style my hair? Gipper's place is no good because his wife is a major league 'taint twizzler. Everyone hates her. Even The Edge pooped on her. Get back at me soon and tell me what's up.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Sun, 21 Jul 2002 21:46:12 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> |Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>

Mike,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Let me know when. We can coordinate your hair to match THE EDGE if you like. That would be cool as hell. Let me know more and I will work out the details.

Bruce

Date: Tue, 23 Jul 2002 01:21:03 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject:Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>

Hi Bruce,

I am thinking that the Fu Manchu and a hair style that matches The Edge's feathers would be great. Here is a pic of me and one of The Edge. I know that I look like a roadie for Guns 'N Roses and that's why I need your help. There are people on the bowling circuit that think my hair is too wild as it is. Wait until they get a glimpse of my new style. My manager is telling me that I should wear a Scottish kilt and that I should consider piercing my nose. He said that ideas for styling my hair are completely up to you and me. So, here are the pics. Give me some feedback when you can.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Tue, 23 Jul 2002 13:56:24 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> || Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>

Mike,

The ideas sound cool. We can definitely do an over the edge look. People will not be ready for you guaranteed. Pierce your eyebrow!!! That's really popular right now. Mine was but I had to take it out. Have you thought about tattoos? Cool touch too. Let me know when you want to do this and I'll make arrangements to meet you somewhere. If you don't like something, we can always redo it!!!!

Look forward to hearing from you.

Bruce

Date: Wed, 24 Jul 2002 20:17:19 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>

Hi Bruce,

I have some bad news. Some buddies of mine from Scotland came into town and we decided to go out drinking. We ended up at this Irish bar and sure enough it was packed with Irish. I'm not talking House of Pain Irish either. I am talking right off the boat, red faced, storytelling, drinking since the age of four, Irishmen. Things were going great for awhile. We were buying each other drinks, telling outlandish stories, and even singing some good tunes. Right after we sang The Night Paddy Murphy Died for the tenth straight time, a fight broke out over football (soccer). Ireland and Scotland take great pride in their teams and the Irish were giving us some guff. So, we challenged them to a foosball game with five hundred dollars and free drinks on the line. We lost. We wanted to go double or nothing, but we were out of cash. Against his better judgement, Malachy suggested that if we lost we would shave our heads and write "Scotland loves Mel Gibson" on our foreheads in permanent marker. It was a really close game, but we lost again. I could not believe my eyes when I woke up to see Michael Stipe looking at me in the mirror. I am terribly sorry that this has happened. Talk about bad luck. I was truly looking forward to you styling my hair for the tournament in the coming weeks. When my hair grows back a little I will get in touch with you for future styling. Thank you for your time spent talking with me Bruce. I will keep in touch.

Mike

Date: Thu, 25 Jul 2002 19:06:37 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> ||Subject: Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>

Sorry to hear that you now look like a cancer patient. You can always put temporary Tattoos on your head!!! That would be a shock!!! Anyway keep in touch if you wish. I'm not mad. Be good.

Bruce

Bruce was a great guy. He was willing to do everything short of braid my chest hair. He will no doubt be watching bowling on TV for the next month hoping to see a bald guy in a kilt with a parrot on his shoulder. Peace Out, Shizzy

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 78, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 , 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, >

SEND THIS PAGE TO A FRIEND!

Copyright © 2001-2005 Bob From Accounting/Orange Planet Entertainment, Inc. - All Rights Reserved. That means you too, Mr. Steven Spielberg