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Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments
or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.
These are actual emails from actual
people. Please forgive us and enjoy!
Hey Peeps
Like most 21st century renaissance men, after a hard day of
writing emails, I usually like to drink myself in a stupor and go
bowling. I certainly hope this hasnt blown your fantasy of
me! Truth is, Ive always had a dream of maybe one day going
pro, but until that happens I will have to be satisfied with my
tan stretch pants and combover. If only I had a new hairdresser,
I just might become a bowling superstar. Enjoy!
Shizzy
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Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 00:26:13 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael
Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | | Subject:
Supercuts Stylist To: <hairstyle45@xxxx.com
Hi Bruce. A friend of mine was telling me about what a great
job you did on his hair. I need your help. I am a professional
bowler and I have my first televised tournament the last weekend
in August. My friend made me promise to give you the chance
to style my hair. I am a young bowler and I am trying to bring
some flashiness to the bowling world. I would like to do something
different to my hair to complement my non-traditional clothing.
I have long brown hair that is all hair sprayed up. People
tell me I look like Jon Bon Jovi only hotter. I would love
to hear some of your ideas. How wild can we get? How much
do you charge? Do you do coloring? I hope to hear from you
soon!
Mike (THAT'S ME SHIZZY!)
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Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 18:13:16 -0700 (PDT) From:"Bruce
Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> || Subject:
Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>
Mike, Hey guy. I would be elated to do your hair. As far
as what to do with it, I must see it first before making any
rash judgement calls. There are many different things that
we can do. As far as cost, we can work it out. We can buy
the color or whatever and I will do it for you just for the
pride of doing it. I won't charge a thing! My home number
is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I am no longer at Supercuts. I only do specific
peoples hair now. I am exclusive now, LOL! Give me a call
and I will be glad to arrange a time for us to get together.
Anytime will be fine, I can work around most things. Keep
In Touch.
BRUCE
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Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002 01:21:02 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael
Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> ||Subject: Re:
Supercuts Stylist To:"Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>
Hi Bruce!
Great to hear from you! I would like to contact you over
the phone, but I am unable to because of a handicap. This
is going to sound crazy and often people don't believe me,
but this is a true story... When I was a kid I lived in Detroit,
and I used to hang around the railroad tracks. I would hop
from car to car hitching rides from suburb to suburb. One
day I got into a fight with a hobo and he cut my throat with
an old rusty fork. Luckily I wasn't killed, but today my voice
is at a very low volume and scratchy. In person we could communicate
fine, but over the phone it is nearly impossible to hear me.
I am aware that this is an inconvenience for any planning
we would like to do, but I would appreciate it very much if
we could have an initial dialogue concerning my hair via e-mail.
My manager is trying to incorporate my raspy voice into my
pro-bowling persona that can be complemented by a unique hairdo.
I would like to know if it would be possible for us to do
some planning in the coming weeks before we meet. We want
to get wild. The bowling world is ready for someone to step
out and give the sport the attention is deserves. My manager
says he wants my hair to demand attention the way Dennis Rodman's
did. I hope I am not scaring you off. We have contacted some
barbers in the area and they simply didn't want to be a part
of our planning. They were all pretty old fashioned and weren't
open to new ideas on hairstyle. So, Bruce I hope you are interested.
If you want me to send you some pictures of my hair, I can
if that would help. I really want to get the ball rolling.
Please contact me soon with all of your thoughts and ideas.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Mike
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Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 06:29:24 -0700 (PDT) From:"Bruce
Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> | Subject:
Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>
Mike, Hey guy!! Pictures would be fine and we can go from
there. I am sorry to hear about your voice but God does things
for a reason. We will definitely go wild. I have several ideas
already of what we can do. Dennis Rodman will be jealous when
we are done!!! Keep In Touch. I check this usually everyday
or every other day. Look forward to doing this and I appreciate
the honor that
you have bestowed on me.
Bruce
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Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 13:44:01 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael
Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> || Subject: Re:
Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>
Hey Bruce.
I am having trouble finding pictures of me with hair that
looks like it does now. I can tell you that right now it looks
like David Bowie in Labyrinth with a mullet. I am willing
to do anything to it. Maybe I can make a political statement
like Rodman did. Maybe I can punk it out with colors or get
a mohawk. I want something that will attract a lot of attention,
but not restrict my movement. I also have a little bit of
a beard going that I could grow out and style. Would that
be a good idea? You are the stylist. I am putting myself at
your mercy when I get there. Give me some ideas that we can
throw around. I will send you some pics as soon as I can.
Thanks Bruce,
Mike
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Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 07:55:30 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce
Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> |Subject:
Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>
Mike,
Goatees and sideburns are really hot right now. Short colored
hair is also the rave. The mullet is got to go!!! LOL! We
can cut and color the top of your hair to look like a bowling
ball. We can do an outrageous color series. We can even do
a Mohawk but have a multicolored one. The things to do are
endless. Cant wait to meet you and get this under way .My
creativeness is running wild with the possibilties. I am wondering
though, who is the friend that sent you my way? I have been
racking my brain to try to figure it out. Anyway, we can even
put colored gel in your goatee. Again its endless. Just let
me know when and where so I can make arrangements to be there.
BE GOOD,
Bruce
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Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 10:39:51 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael
Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re:
Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>
Bruce,
I am still not sure what I want to do with my hair, but I
think that I would like to have a colored fu manchu thing
going with the goat. Can you color a fu manchu fire engine
red? I agree that the mullet has to go. My manager told me
yesterday that this tournament will be shown on ESPN. I can'
t believe I am going to be on TV! You have to make me look
like a lunatic. I have a very large amount of chest hair.
This is the kind of chest hair that swallows gold necklaces
and blows in the wind. What if we colored the top part of
my chest hair? When I was in the seventh grade a couple of
girls put my chest hair in little braids while I was passed
out. That is how long this stuff is. Could we use it? My buddy
is Travis "Gipper" Ferguson. He said that he had
always gone to this barber named Red who gave him a buzz cut
no matter how much he said he didn't want one. So, he went
to your place and got himself a new style. I will send you
a pic of me as soon as possible. Get back at me soon.
Thanks,
Mike
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Date: Thu, 18 Jul 2002 16:51:12 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce
Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> || Subject:
Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>
Mike,
We can do whatever you like. The chest hair thing is a little
over the top. Must be cool being a big old bear. The FU thing
is totally cool and I was thinking the same thing. You must
tell me when you will be on TV so I can tape it. Let me know
when you want to do this so I can arrange the time span needed
to do this. I look forward to helping you. You will be the
star of the show when I get done.
Just keep IN touch.
Bruce
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Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 10:30:57 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael
Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Re:
Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>
Bruce,
The tournament is on the second Friday in August. My manager
says the tournament will last two days with the finals being
televised on Saturday afternoon. I am glad you're up for making
me look nuts. I just did a couple of interviews with some
sports reporters. I think I have already caused a buzz in
the bowling world with my comments on how bland it is. I also
personally attacked Bob F. Accounti. He is another young player
who is about to break into the circuit. He is a bit overweight
and I referred to him as the "Louie Anderson" of
pro bowling. When I go to tournaments I always have my parrot
with me. His name is The Edge. On the tour people call me
"The Bird Whisperer". The Edge is the smartest bird
in the world. He can sing the first two lines of Billy Joel's
"We Didn't Start The Fire". Anyway, maybe some hair
coloring that would complement The Edge's feathers would look
cool. He is green with some orange and yellow on his face.
Promise to get you a picture of me soon. You are going to
laugh when you see my 80's Poison mullet. Where would you
like to meet to style my hair? Gipper's place is no good because
his wife is a major league 'taint twizzler. Everyone hates
her. Even The Edge pooped on her. Get back at me soon and
tell me what's up.
Thanks,
Mike
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Date: Sun, 21 Jul 2002 21:46:12 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce
Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> |Subject:
Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>
Mike,
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Let me know when.
We can coordinate your hair to match THE EDGE if you like.
That would be cool as hell. Let me know more and I will work
out the details.
Bruce
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Date: Tue, 23 Jul 2002 01:21:03 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael
Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject:Re:
Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>
Hi Bruce,
I am thinking that the Fu Manchu and a hair style that matches
The Edge's feathers would be great. Here is a pic of me and
one of The Edge. I know that I look like a roadie for Guns
'N Roses and that's why I need your help. There are people
on the bowling circuit that think my hair is too wild as it
is. Wait until they get a glimpse of my new style. My manager
is telling me that I should wear a Scottish kilt and that
I should consider piercing my nose. He said that ideas for
styling my hair are completely up to you and me. So, here
are the pics. Give me some feedback when you can.
Thanks,
Mike
 
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Date: Tue, 23 Jul 2002 13:56:24 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce
Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> || Subject:
Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>
Mike,
The ideas sound cool. We can definitely do an over the edge
look. People will not be ready for you guaranteed. Pierce
your eyebrow!!! That's really popular right now. Mine was
but I had to take it out. Have you thought about tattoos?
Cool touch too. Let me know when you want to do this and I'll
make arrangements to meet you somewhere. If you don't like
something, we can always redo it!!!!
Look forward to hearing from you.
Bruce
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Date: Wed, 24 Jul 2002 20:17:19 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael
Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com> | |Subject: Re:
Supercuts Stylist To: "Bruce Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com>
Hi Bruce,
I have some bad news. Some buddies of mine from Scotland
came into town and we decided to go out drinking. We ended
up at this Irish bar and sure enough it was packed with Irish.
I'm not talking House of Pain Irish either. I am talking right
off the boat, red faced, storytelling, drinking since the
age of four, Irishmen. Things were going great for awhile.
We were buying each other drinks, telling outlandish stories,
and even singing some good tunes. Right after we sang The
Night Paddy Murphy Died for the tenth straight time, a fight
broke out over football (soccer). Ireland and Scotland take
great pride in their teams and the Irish were giving us some
guff. So, we challenged them to a foosball game with five
hundred dollars and free drinks on the line. We lost. We wanted
to go double or nothing, but we were out of cash. Against
his better judgement, Malachy suggested that if we lost we
would shave our heads and write "Scotland loves Mel Gibson"
on our foreheads in permanent marker. It was a really close
game, but we lost again. I could not believe my eyes when
I woke up to see Michael Stipe looking at me in the mirror.
I am terribly sorry that this has happened. Talk about bad
luck. I was truly looking forward to you styling my hair for
the tournament in the coming weeks. When my hair grows back
a little I will get in touch with you for future styling.
Thank you for your time spent talking with me Bruce. I will
keep in touch.
Mike
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Date: Thu, 25 Jul 2002 19:06:37 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bruce
Gutierez" <<hairstyle45@xxxx.com> ||Subject:
Re: Supercuts Stylist To: "Michael Ockisard" <michaelxxxx@yahoo.com>
Sorry to hear that you now look like a cancer patient. You
can always put temporary Tattoos on your head!!! That would
be a shock!!! Anyway keep in touch if you wish. I'm not mad.
Be good.
Bruce
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Bruce was a great guy. He was willing to do everything
short of braid my chest hair. He will no doubt be watching
bowling on TV for the next month hoping to see a bald guy
in a kilt with a parrot on his shoulder. Peace Out, Shizzy
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**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except
for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails
are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind
of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than
Shizzy.
Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.
1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9,
10, 11, 12,
13, 14, 15,
16, 17,
18, 19, 20,
21, 22, 23,
24, 25, 26,
27, 28, 29
, 30, 31,
32, 33, 34,
35, 36, 37,
38, 39, 40,
41, >
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