|
I want to talk about low carb
diets because, well, it's politically incorrect to just come
out and say "fat chicks and their stupid fad diets."
Talk show hosts, radio personalities, newscasters– it's
all carbs all the time no matter where you go, and from the
looks of it, things aren’t going to change any time soon.
Nope, we can look forward to stimulating debate about the
powers of proteins vs. carbohydrates for a long time to come.
Robert Atkins is dead and Oprah still has a giant ass. Who
are we to believe?
Of course, this isn’t the first time the media has whipped
the American public into a collective suicide diet death pact.
Remember the Great Low Fat Extravaganza in the 90’s?
It started out with people just trying to eat a little healthier.
Then the media got hold of it and the next thing you knew
fat had been dubbed the antichrist and we were all waging
a holy war to obliterate it from the entire freaking universe.
As usual the American public went off the deep end buying
every low fat, fat free, 99% lean piece of crap they could
get their chubby little fingers around. There were low fat
pizzas, low fat ice cream, low fat pudding and those barf-inducing
Snackwell fat free cookies.
And then that dumbass Atkins had to show up and ruin everything.
Once again the vast majority of the population has been bullshitted
into believing that a low carb diet is the answer to their
prayers. They've altered everything from beer to potato chips
and even donuts! I’m still waiting for someone to explain
to me how a donut can be chemically reconfigured to resemble
anything healthy but Krispy Kreme is claiming they’ve
done it.
For all you fans of Atkins, here is my short list of fatties
who are still fat, despite their use of low carb diets: Monica
Lewinksy, Ricky Lake, Star Jones, that chick on "The
Practice" and all the other fatties I've forgotten about.
Low carb diets have only made them linger longer at the breakfast
buffet while I'm like "leave some friggin bacon for the
rest of us, beeotch!"
Now, here are the once-fat people who are now thin: Carnie
Wilson, Randy Jackson of "American Idol," Al Roker
and Roger Ebert.
So who are we to believe, the fat people who will be fat
no matter how much steak and sausage they consume, or the
once fat, but now successfully thin people we see everyday
on television?
That's right, the thin people. The ones who ignored the fad
diets and went for the tried and true method of gastric bypass
surgery -- also known as stomach stapling. Okay, I keep hearing
how dangerous this surgery is but who cares. Carnie Wilson
was three burritos away from being buried in a double-wide
coffin anyway. The celebrities have spoken. Stomach stapling
requires no willpower, no exercise and it's the greatest fantasy
of any dieter -- get skinny while you're unconscious. Plus,
I hear you get lots of gifts and attention in the hospital.
The truth that few people will acknowledge is there are only
two or three diets which are guaranteed to work. There's the
finger in the back of the throat diet, the cocaine and coffee
binge diet, and finally, the gastric bypass surgery. Other
than that, you're probably kidding yourself. Sure, you might
lose ten pounds but then in about a year, when you're too
drunk or lazy to remove the hamburger bun, you will gain the
whole thing back overnight and none of your new clothes will
fit you anymore. They'll just sit in the closet mocking you
just like your friends do behind your back. I'm telling you,
it happens every day. Not to me, of course, because I was
lucky enough to be born with great genes, a tight body and
high metabolism. Also, my breasts are fabulous, but that's
a whole other column.
Okay, so there you have it. Enjoy the bread and the rice
and the potatoes. Enjoy the steak and the eggs and the cheese.
Be proud of your overweight, jiggly body and how it looks
when you're jogging at the beach. Don't be embarrassed or
ashamed -- nobody else is looking at you, I promise.
Media Whore has spoken.
|
|
Top:
Robert Atkins is now dead. Below: Monica Lewinksy is still
fat.
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
