|
For the last season or two there has been a noticeably
short supply of ABC celebrities I would like to bed down.
ABC’s problem last season was its relentless pursuit
of the perfect reality show, a job much better left to the
geniuses at Fox who provided us with such gems as “Temptation
Island” and “Joe Millionaire." From the disastrous
“Are You Hot: The Search for America’s Sexiest People”
to the ridiculous “I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of
Here” ABC made some really crappy choices in terms of
programming and cast very few men who made me want to stalk
them. Of course I mean, DATE them. D – A – T –
E
Even though ABC execs are attempting to rid their fall schedule
of bad reality shows, we still have to suffer through another
season of “Extreme Makeover," a show that shamelessly
preys upon fat, ugly, and otherwise gross chicks and their
futile pursuits at physical perfection via plastic surgery.
Nothing stifles my libido faster than a hideous woman crying
about not getting asked to the prom 30 years ago. Except of
course watching that same woman get 12 pounds of fat sucked
out of her ass. However, all this carnage would be watchable
if there was even one hot surgeon on the show. Unfortunately,
most of the doctors on the program look more like Marcus Welby,
MD than Dr. Carter from “ER”.
"The Practice" will also be back this season, sans
half of the cast. In case you have been under a rock, or worse,
reading books instead watching TV, ABC fired several actors
in an unprecedented blood bath last spring. Thankfully, Lara
Flynn Boyle was among those canned so at least we won’t
have to worry about small children running terrified from
the TV screaming, “Make the bad skeleton lady go away!”
This season’s addition of James Spader is supposed to
distract the viewers from the fact that there are very few
sexy male characters left on the program. Delicately boned,
soft spoken, and impeccably well dressed, Spader is ABC’s
idea of a sex symbol. Perhaps they haven’t noticed that
he crosses his legs like a woman. Enough said.
"The Bachelor" is also soldiering on for its third
season, this time starring the infamous “Bob” who
is still quite puffy in spite of recent reports that he’s
slimmed down since being publicly humiliated by “The
Bachelorette’s” Trista Rehn. This program has provided
a string of hunky boy toys during its run, so you would think
its return this season would be reason for celebration. Think
again. I refuse to believe I’m the only woman in the
country who does not find Bob, a pasty, self-important, fat
ass attractive. Ladies, raise your standards! Please. He doesn’t
even have any money! I mean, Alex Michel may have been a vain,
pompous, self-absorbed dick, but at least he was loaded and
had really good hair! For the last two years the only reason
I watched ABC at all was to watch bachelors like Alex cavort
in their Tommy Hilfiger swim trunks with desperately needy
women in ridiculously exotic locations they could never otherwise
afford to travel to. I can’t tell you how fricken hot
it is to watch a man pick and choose a wife like a necktie
he’s purchasing from Bloomingdale’s. Now THAT is
reality!
An unfortunate offshoot of ABC’s "The Bachelorette"
is the country’s lingering fascination with that annoying
bitch, Trista Rehn and her fiancé Ryan Sutter (dumber
than a box of rocks but hot as hell). After being forcefed
their idyllic engagement we’ll be treated to first row
seats at their upcoming nuptials which ABC will drag out until
the February ratings sweeps. These two media hounds have whored
themselves out for $1 million each to allow the American public
to witness the most special day of their lives. How romantic.
I don’t know about you, but it has been my experience
that nothing kills a good love affair quicker than wedding
vows. Look what happened to Major Nelson and Jeannie, Joannie
and Chachi, The Nanny and that British guy she worked for!
"I'm With Her," otherwise known as “I Stole
the Screenplay from Notting Hill And No One Has Sued Me …
Yet," stars Teri Polo and David Sutcliffe in a sappy
love story about a sweet, regular girl who happens to be famous
and her extraordinarily boring boyfriend. I got a cavity watching
the first episode and haven’t been able to bring myself
back to this show since. The best part about the pilot was
watching Sutcliffe get bitten in the ass by Polo’s dog.
You’d better tune in quickly to this show before it gets
cancelled in a few weeks, the producers are sued, and one
of the stars commits suicide.
Sadly, we are left with nothing but the frightening return
of “TGIF," ABC’s pathetic attempt at creating
their own version of NBC’s “Must See TV." From
the looks of it, “TGIF” holds very little promise
in the way of comedy or hot men, unless you count George Lopez.
Granted, he is a very particular kind of hot. You have to
be really attracted to overweight Hispanic men with no talent
whatsoever. If that’s your thing then you’re in
for a real treat on Friday nights!
I will be steering clear of ABC this fall. As far as I’m
concerned the sexual ambiguity of James Spader just isn’t
enough to lure me in, I don’t care how nice his teeth
are. From fat bachelors with alarmingly large nostrils, to
psychotic women getting boob jobs as a way to compensate for
not getting enough attention from their daddies, ABC has really
dropped the ball this season. Maybe they shouldn’t have
canned “Who Wants to be a Millionaire." I mean,
Regis wasn’t all that bad, really. As for me, I’ll
be spending my time watching CBS. And that’s my final
answer.
|
|
Above:
Too much gel and too many chins. Below: Too gay.
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
