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Not only is there no one worth
sleeping with on ABC’s new Friday night TGIF lineup,
but I wouldn't sleep with anyone who WATCHES it either.
Remember when you were a huge loser in high school with nothing
better to do on Friday nights than watch TV with your grandma?
OK, me neither. However, there was a whole league of dateless,
acne-ridden, social retards for whom Friday night television
was the pinnacle of their lives. Imagine, an entire army of
people whose idea of funny was watching the weekly antics
of Urkel, whose pants were jammed so far up his ass his genitals
actually looked large. This guy was the friggin mascot of
The Perpetual Virginity Club, also known as Chronic Masturbators
of America.
Mercifully, the entire ABC concept of TGIF burned itself out
in the late 1990’s, making room for Danielle Steele miniseries,
news magazine shows and reality TV dating extravaganzas. Sure,
we sort of miss the adorable muggings of those Olsen Twins
and the twisted fetishes they bring out in middle-aged men.
We miss the feathered hair of John Stamos, as well as Suzanne
Somers and her obscenely happy stepfamily. But do we really
miss them that bad?
Apparently we do. This season ABC, in its infinite wisdom,
decided to revive TGIF in the hopes of pulling themselves
out of the longest ratings slump in the history of broadcast
television. Citing "an outcry" from nostalgic college
students all over the country who missed the old concept,
ABC issued a statement earlier this summer declaring the triumphant
return of TGIF.
I think we all know where the outcries came from, don’t
we? From the very same people who watched TGIF the first time
around. They were the ones cruelly excluded from the drunken
high school fuckfests the popular kids were enjoying while
their parents were at Bennigan's drinking light beer and enjoying
platefuls of potato skins. It’s very lucky for ABC these
kids still can’t get laid - at least not without date
rape drugs and/or desperate fat chicks. Now, ABC wants this
audience back. In a sense, the network has become an enabler,
allowing fat chicks and dorky guys to have an excuse as
to why they're not sniffing glue in the parking lot with the
rest of their friends. Thanks to ABC, now those people
have NO chance of getting laid on Friday nights.
Execs describe the overall make-up of the new TGIF as “less
teen oriented” than in days past when it featured such
ridiculous programming as “Teen Angel," a show about
a dead kid who became the heavenly conscience of a living
high school student after he died eating a bad cheeseburger.
I swear to God I’m not making this up. Certainly today’s
American teenagers are breathing a collective sigh of relief
to learn that ABC will not be producing any more wacky comedies
about dead teenagers. At least for now.
The new TGIF lineup seems to be going for a different demographic
altogether -- the “hopelessly bored, middle-aged spinsters
who have lost the will to live (and also can't get laid)"
demographic. It seems as the baby boomers age, they’ll
watch just about anything if it has a kicky theme song and
an over-30 star wearing sneakers with a sportcoat.
“Life With Bonnie” is the perfect example of a program
tailor made for the aging hippie set desperately clinging
to the notion that they are still young and cool. It's about
a married couple in their mid-forties struggling with raising
a family and juggling their careers. Think "Roseanne"
only without white trash or laughs. This show sucks and it’s
no coincidence that this piece of crap found its way into
the TGIF lineup after floundering in every normal timeslot
last season. I don’t know who Bonnie Hunt slept with
at the network, but obviously someone owes her a big fat favor.
What this show needs is a good old fashioned dose of giant
breast implants. Give the public huge boobs to look at and
then you can drone on all you want about how hard it is to
juggle career and family. Trust me, Bonnie, it's all about
the boobs.
Another anchor on the TGIF lineup is "The George Lopez
Show." Since this sitcom has been touted as the first
honest depiction of the Hispanic-American family on network
TV, I was expecting to see a lot less broken lawn furniture,
big hair, and over-exaggerated Ricky Ricardo accents (hey,
wasn’t he CUBAN?!). Seriously, this show is just one
step away from the racially sensitive days of the Frito Bandito.
Rounding out the TGIF lineup is “Hope and Faith”
starring those adorably ditzy small-breasted blondes, Kelly
Ripa (“Live with Regis and Kelly”) and Faith Ford
(“Murphy Brown”). I think everyone will agree when
I say there is really only one thing worse than watching a
waif thin, whiny blonde overact in prime time. And that’s
watching two of them. Please kill me now. The only thing that
impresses me is learning that Kelly Ripa just had another
child (her third) and manages to juggle two full time jobs
and a family at the same time. Clearly her kids won't eat
and her handsome actor husband won't be getting laid before
this show is canceled. Call me, Mark!
In fact, if I ever feel the need to watch one more moment
of one more TGIF program-- be it on Nick at Night, TV Land,
or good old prime time ABC network television, my life is
pretty much over. Nothing to see here, folks. Please move
on. She just gained 50 pounds, started playing the coronet,
and thinks Friday is the most relaxing night of the week.
That's right, give her the potato skins. Don't forget the
extra bacon and sour cream.
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Photos:
Only people with no social life will recognize the above images
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