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The launch of NBC’s new
reality dating show, “Average Joe” is sure to come
as exciting news for all those vicarious daters whose addiction
to prime time voyeurism has rendered them incapable of ever
dipping a toe back into the world of three dimensional people.
For those of us who are trying to get laid in the real world,
the news of one more series showcasing washboard abs, exotic
locations and the finest airbrushed tans money can buy is
tantamount to a television death sentence.
But don’t count this show out just yet.
Combining the deception of “Joe Millionaire”, the
sex appeal of “The Bachelorette”, and one hell of
a sick twist, “Average Joe” may just turn out to
be the best reality dating show of all time. Taking a cue
from the disastrous yet strangely hypnotic “Mr. Personality”
that ran on Fox last season, NBC has decided to add a dose
of … well … reality to their reality programming
– without the ridiculous jewel toned masks, thank God.
Is it just me or did the guys on “Mr. Personality”
look exactly like huge Pez dispensers? I still have nightmares
about the hot tub segments.
“Average Joe” begs the question: Can a beautiful
girl fall in love with a man based solely on his personality?
OK, we all know the answer is no, but NBC execs know if they
dangle the carrot of “true love” in front of us,
we’ll follow it wherever it leads. Case in point: The
“Pretty Woman” Phenomenon. If Americans will buy
into the fantasy that a skanky whore can land a rich guy in
a really nice suit, they’ll also believe a hot 25 year
old girl can fall in love with a fat ass that plays X box
and eats boxes of Ding Dongs on a daily basis.
The brilliantly sick scheme began when NBC lured unsuspecting
beauty queen Melana Scantlin to the set under the pretense
she would meet a roomful of hunky strangers with great hair
and rippling biceps. What she got was her worst nightmare:
thirty sexually frustrated, pasty mutant guys that spend their
Saturday nights on the corner stool of the local bar nursing
Miller Lites and masturbating under the counter - and she
has to date them on national television while all of her hot
friends – and the rest of us - laugh. This is friggin’
genius.
What’s even better is that the poor soul they roped into
this house of horrors is the prototypical woman that all other
women want to string up by her Jimmy Choo stilettos. She’s
tight, she’s tan, she has unnaturally white teeth, and
worst of all she has a head full of blond hair – the
kind that makes otherwise rational men dole out shiny presents.
That alone is enough to provoke some women to Meow Mix level.
Now throw in that she’s also a former NFL cheerleader/
model and you’re talking about a woman that makes every
other woman in the room feel like a pale, short, bald man.
But thanks to the gods at NBC the stiletto is now on the other
foot as women all across the country get to watch Little Miss
Big Boobs date all the guys THEY usually get stuck with -
with the added bonus of allowing chronically dateless geeks
to take a peek into what it would be like to date a woman
completely out of their league. I’m fairly giddy about
this.
Being privy to the close-ups of this girl’s face as her
fellow castmates exited the bus and entered her personal nightmare
on Monday night was a dream come true. Icky guy after icky
guy oozed his way over to her, overeager, flushed with excitement,
and each undoubtedly with a huge erection. Totally grossed
out, this poor girl was obviously fighting her gag reflex.
Thank God for TiVo. I’ve already replayed the greetings
segment of this program 362 times. Today. And it can only
get better. In the previews, there are make-out scenes, hot
tub forays, and even a couple of jealous fights between the
suitors. Woe is me that Monday only comes but once a week…
The brainchild of NBC Entertainment chief Jeff Zucker, the
motivation in creating “Average Joe” was to “do
a show with guys like us, as opposed to all these models you
see on (other reality dating) shows. Our cast is made up of
people you'll never forget, either visually or personality-wise,"
he said. "These people look like people you'd see at
Starbucks or coming out of the subway."
Excuse me, but it’s a universal truth that the only people
who hear that load of crap about “It’s Not What
You Look Like on the Outside but Who You Are on the Inside”
are awkward teenage girls with tiny breasts, pimply teenage
boys with concave chests, and grossly obese people with no
hope of ever having sex while another person is in the room.
Hey, looks matter and if your mother handed you that bullshit
speech then the bottom line is that you are destined for a
life of loneliness and The Playboy channel.
It’s painfully clear that the American public is not
going to get a lesson in morality from watching “Average
Joe.” We aren’t going to collectively wake up in
front of our television sets with tears in our eyes and love
in our hearts, realizing we’ve been grossly unfair to
the aesthetically challenged that live silently among us.
It’s ingrained in us that sex sells and beauty is power.
The only valuable lesson we can learn from “Average Joe”
is to drink tea, take cabs, and for God’s sake if anyone
ever describes you as having a great personality, run, don’t
walk to your local plastic surgeon and get the WORKS even
if it means cashing in your life insurance policy, selling
your car, or taking out a third mortgage on your ancestral
home. Either that or get cable – and spring for the Playboy
channel. You’re going to need it.
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Above:
Melana Scantlin, former beauty queen and NFL cheerleader and
star of the NBC reality dating series 'Average Joe' is nothing
but a whore.
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