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Fox’s newest science experiment “My Big
Fat Obnoxious Fiancé” is actually a six episode
practical joke packaged inside a reality show about a reality
show that never really happened? Yeah, I know. Let me start
again.
On this semi-scripted reality show, Randi (our bride) and
Steve (our groom) will present themselves to their families
as a happily engaged couple who recently met on another bogus
reality show.
Are you still with me? Good, because now we can get to the
meat and potatoes of this program which is that the phony
couple is not really a couple at all. You see Randi was yet
another hot chick who thought she was going on some "Bachelorette"-type
show but instead gets suckered into trying to convince her
friends and family that she's marrying a big ugly fatass named
Steve. But in actuality Randi is being punked by that big
ugly fatass who is only posing as a contestant. She
thinks he’s playing the same game she is, namely convincing
his family and friends to accept a woman he’s only known
for a few weeks as his soulmate. As far as poor, deluded Randi
is concerned, she and Steve are both putting their families
through the wringer so they can win the big prize –the
standard issue, reality show million bucks.
Now, I should say that while I've commented on the sex appeal
of dozens of other reality show contestants, including the
geeksquad from Average Joe II, I have my limits. And the groom
played by "actor" Steven Bailey" is mine. For
the record, I wouldn't screw this guy if he was richer than
Trump and hung like Seabiscuit. I'm left to wonder, how hard
is it to act like a fat, ugly no-talent loser when you actually
are a fat, ugly no-talent loser. And a quick check at the
Internet Movie Database shows his resume is not at all proportional
to his huge, sweaty gut. Did I mention his tufts of backhair?
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, he's married in real
life. Lucky girl.
Quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s kadoodle about
the cast or the producers (although I’m fairly certain
their eternal souls are irrevocably damned to everlasting
hell) but I am concerned about the audience and how we’re
getting shafted with the whole “semi scripted” element
of this program. When we plop ourselves down in front of our
TV, we want our reality programming to be…well…real.
We want real meltdowns, real backstabbing and real tantrums.
We’re hungry for giant egos, horrifying life choices
and inarticulate screaming matches and when these things are
staged in any way it sort of takes the whole naughty, peeping
tom vibe out of the whole thing. What’s fun about that?
Nothing. Plus, like I said, there's absolutely nobody I would
sleep with on this show.
Anyway, it obviously wasn’t enough for Fox to spoon feed
us what we wanted to see: a couple of desperate losers spitting
on the sanctity of marriage while whoring themselves out on
national television for a million dollars – which in
the end is actually about $12.47 after taxes, wardrobe and
the cost of rehab.
As far as I’m concerned, the whole things stinks of Dick
Clark’s “Bloopers and Practical Jokes” –
in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he’s
behind this whole thing. Friggin Dick Clark.
Yeah, I'd definitely sleep with him.
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Above:
Big fat loser and dumb as rocks hot chick
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