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“I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” (IACGMOH
) has been two weeks of action packed, Survivoresque - not
to mention downright RIVETING - family entertainment. Finally,
a television program that has artfully combined the height
of Hollywood glamour (what red blooded American woman could
resist the smoldering sex appeal of that hunk du jour, “Stuttering”
John Melendez of Howard Stern fame?! YUMMY!) with good old
fashioned family values (Bruce Jenner assumed the role of
“dad” in this dysfunctional family group of creepy
barely-namers and has hardly stared at the women’s breasts
at all!).
From the world famous funnyman host John Lehr (who could
forget his groundbreaking role in that unforgettable film,
Mr. Jealousy?) right down to Hollywood “IT” girl,
Maria Conchita Alonso (remember how she lit up the screen
in Babylon Revisited?), the casting for this show was inspired!
The list of celebrities begs the question: where did the
producers get the huge amounts of money needed to pay these
high powered superstars? There hasn’t been this many
top level A-listers assembled since St. Elmo’s Fire!
Speaking of which, what the hell ever happened to Andrew McCarthy?
But the real secret of this show’s tremendous success
has got to be the way the producers have tapped into the viewers’
deepest fantasies. Who among us has not imagined seeing “Downtown”
Julie Brown half-naked, sitting in a vat of leeches? Gosh,
I know I have! And speaking of fantasies, how about that makeshift
potty that let us sort of see Playboy model Nikki Schieler
Ziering peeing on the first night? Nothing says “family
entertainment” like a semi-nude ex-Playmate squatting
down to urinate on live TV!
Now that the show is ending its run, it is, dare I say, inspiring
to see what these beautiful people are made of. I have a whole
new respect for Melissa Rivers. Who knew that she could pour
ten different kinds of vermin down her pants without crying?
OK, so she cried. But who can blame her? The important thing
is that she did it and we got to watch. And in return for
her bravery, she may just walk away with the most coveted
title EVER: “Queen of the Jungle." After all, she’s
still in the competition, unlike poor Nikki who was the second
contestant to get booted off the show, right after Robin Leach.
Robin was voted off for obvious reasons, not the least of
which was his incessant use of the royal “we," as
in “We need to cook dinner!” while he sat on his
big, fat, lazy, English, ass, but I’m sure Nikki was
voted off by the men of America who were just sick to death
of watching her perky boobs bounce around night after frigging
night! If she would have just put a shirt on, I’m sure
she’d still be in the jungle fighting proud. She really
could have learned a thing or two from Maria Conchita Alonso
about the importance of remaining clothed in the Australian
rainforest. Well, maybe not but it sure is fun to say “Maria
Conchita Alonso." Try it!
Much like “Love Boat" IACGMOH has been a vehicle
for the nation’s most popular and talented celebrities-of-the-moment
to stretch their creative wings - and to have one heck of
a vacation at the same time.Thanks, ABC. You've made America
proud once again.
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Above:
There's still time for Melissa Rivers to get bitten by a snake
or become kidnapped by angry Aborigines
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