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By now, just about all of America has tuned into
at least one episode of TLC's "Trading Spaces" right?
If you haven't then you are missing one of the most underrated
television shows on cable --probably because it's on during
the day when most normal people are at work - that, and the
fact that it is cleverly shrouded in a home decorating show
disguise.
I'm here to tell you this show is not as innocuous as it looks.
Oh, it may seem like its geared toward overweight housewives
with nothing better to do in the afternoons than sit on their
expanding asses eating Baked Lays and drinking venti lattes
from Starbucks, but don't let its innocent exterior fool you,
my friends. This show has got it all - intrigue, sex, suspense,
and, of course, heartbreak. I have never missed an episode,
and as long as this show keeps screwing with the lives of
the average Joe, I don't intend to.
Based on the BBC program, "Changing Rooms", "Trading
Spaces" takes two sets of neighbors, assigns them each
a professional designer and sets them free in each other's
homes for two days to redecorate one room. It's all smooth,
neighborly sailing unless someone gets screwed. And someone
always gets screwed.
First of all, the budget these people get to work with ($1000)
isn't enough to redecorate a fricken closet, even if you consider
Walmart haute couture. Unless you blow your wad on a trip
to Baghdad and loot one of Saddam Hussein's palaces, there's
just no earthly way to get a room full of furniture, curtains,
paint, and the ever-important accessories for $1000.
Besides the crappy budget, each team gets stuck with some
self-important interior designer who fancies him or herself
a true artiste and says things like, "How do you view
this space?" and "I get a real zen vibe from this
area" with a straight face. Vibe? Zen? Are we building
a temple or slapping some paint on a wall, people? Since when
did buying a couch constitute a religious experience?
And as long as we are on the subject of the designers, where
do they get these people, the bowels of designer hell? Are
these the people that flunked out of design school because
they just couldn't grasp the concept of the color wheel? Good
God they suck. I mean, they really REALLY suck.
There was one episode where the spacey-hippie-chick designer
who never wears shoes made her team cover an entire bedroom
wall with moss. Live, spongy, green, dirty, slimy, damp moss.
Needless to say, it was not pretty; and I can only imagine
how that crap smelled. There was another time when the dangerously
thin, always dressed in black, husky voiced, aging sex kitten
designer forced her poor team to pull up this guy's brand
new carpet and replace it with a nasty sub floor looking thing
made out of cement. Maybe that wouldn't have been so bad if
he lived in an ultra hip loft space in a really cool city
like New York, but this guy lived in like Idaho and it was
his bedroom floor they destroyed. Poor schmuck. He was really
pissed off. It was awesome.
To add insult to injury - which is really the only way to
add insult properly - they make these poor contestants wear
hideously oversized official "Trading Spaces" smocks,
and they don't even let them change clothes from day one to
day two. I'm not kidding, they have to wear the same clothes
both days regardless of how much slop gets on them. Now, its
bad enough they have to wear the nasty smocks, but each and
every person on this program feels compelled to wear these
things with their own individual flair. I've seen them tucked
in, hanging out, and unbuttoned over tee shirts. I've seen
them tied around the lumpy waists of obviously overconfident,
middle-aged women with pierced navels who are way too caught
up in the fantasy that they are going to get discovered on
TV. I've seen these same chicks tie them under their boobs
like some kind of Charlie's Angels throwback - complete with
high heels and rolled up jeans. I have even seen comedian
Andy Dick feel the need to customize his "Trading Spaces"
shirt with a pair of scissors on the recent "Trading
Spaces Goes Hollywood" episode.
Inadequate budget, crappy designers, and bad clothes - basically
this whole concept is a recipe for disaster, which, I'm sure
is the point. I mean, this is America! We don't want to see
snippets of friendly folks toiling away in each other's homes,
producing tasteful, cozy rooms. B-O-R-I-N-G. We want to see
people slaving away in the wee hours of the morning painting
their neighbors' ceilings orange. We want bean bag furniture
and shiny gold fringe dripping from everything that stands
still. We want cement floors and moss covered walls - and
we want to see every second of the swearing, yelling, and
crying that is born out of these disasters. We want to see
some pissed off people.
It's our God given right as Americans to point, laugh, and
feel superior to others, and we shouldn't have to wait until
prime time to enjoy this right. TLC understands that some
of us just can't stay up to watch Howard Stern and that "Survivor"
is just plain boring. "Trading Spaces" is an oasis
in the filthy mulch that has become the reality television
genre. It has a much gentler face, a cozier time slot, and
even a bit of credibility (The Learning Channel" association).
But underneath the bridal gown of a happy premise lies the
red-hot thong of what makes this country tick: screwing our
neighbor. God bless America and long live "Trading Spaces."
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Above:
Trading Spaces is just like the Brady Bunch --except everyone's
gay
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