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Holy crap, who knew Martha Stewart
was such a raging bitch? I mean, of course we all knew she
wasn't normal by any means (who really churns their own butter,
anyway??) but I had no idea she was the DEVIL. Thank God for
NBC or none of us would have known how extra scary she is
and we would have gone right on buying her really expensive
books and crying when our napkins didn't end up looking like
the Eiffel Tower at sunset like hers do.
The Martha Stewart story takes the viewer on a journey one
of the scariest places known to man - Martha Stewart's life.
According to the film, Martha grew up on the wrong side of
the tracks somewhere in New Jersey. It never occurred to me
there was a "right" side of the tracks in New Jersey,
but apparently there is and Martha was nowhere near them.
She had a demanding father who woke his children in the middle
night to make stuff in the basement; I think it was root beer,
or maybe it was crack cocaine, but whatever it was, those
young 'uns not only had to make it but they had to endure
these weird oral quizzes their pop would throw at them. There
they'd be, root beering their pathetic little hearts out in
their jammies at 3 am and suddenly their father would shout,
"Who can tell me the 15 ingredients that go into root
beer?" or some other bizarre, totally useless question.
Boy, that guy would be great to have on your Special Beverages
Edition of Trivia Pursuit, huh? He was like the Cliff Clavin
of New Jersey.
As Martha grows up it becomes clear the inferiority complex
imposed on her by her creepy dad is the prime motivating force
in her becoming successful. From baking and selling birthday
cakes at the age of nine to seeking a career in modeling,
Martha's drive knew no bounds. However, it wasn't until she
screwed over all her friends and family through her first
job as a stock analyst that the story gets really interesting.
After she and Andy (played by the still-tasty-after-all-these-years
Tim Matheson) move to the country, Martha morphs into the
Stepford Caterer we have all grown to know and love. This
is also when we see her true evil nature begin to emerge.
The best scene in this portion of the film is Martha whipping
a copper pot at her former catering buddy. Nothing says "manical
perfectionist bitch" like a ten pound copper pot in the
back of the skull. Ouch! Point taken.
Another scene that was particularly insightful was set in
a local mall where Martha was attempting to sell pies for
extra cash. We watched as she continued to mark up the price
of the pies as the public went wild for them. At one point
she was selling them for $30 a piece. Right. OK, can you say,
"exaggeration"? Unless those pies came with a lap
dance, there is no way anyone was shelling out thirty bucks.
I guess the point of the scene was show the viewers that Martha
didn't give a rat's ass whether or not she was being fair
to her friends and neighbors as long as she made a quick buck.
Or something like that.
The underlying and perhaps most disturbing storyline of Martha
Stewart's life, besides her historic partnership with that
mecca of class and sophistication, K-Mart, was her rocky relationship
with Tim Matheson. I mean, her husband of thirty years, Andy
Stewart, whom she met in college on a blind date. She really
treated this poor schmuck like crap, as evidenced by Matheson's
ever declining posture. Throughout the movie, he becomes more
and more hunched over until he resembles a very good looking
hunchback of Notre Dame. His slouch must be his method acting
interpretation of a brow beaten husband that cries like a
little girl.
This entire movie was an emotional roller coaster ride while
we watched Martha scream, curse, and threaten her way to the
top, building an empire in gingerbread cookies, crudites (that's
fancy talk for raw vegetables) and boring television specials.
But perhaps the most anguishing element of this compelling
rags to riches to jail (you all know she's going to the slammer
for insider trading, right?) was witnessing the cruelty she
inflicted on the incredibly gorgeous and downright sexy Tim
Matheson. Even after he wrote the classic "The Secret
Life of Gnomes" she still couldn't be nice to him. Without
Tim Matheson, I mean Andy Stewart, gnomes would never have
gotten the respect they deserve; he got them out of the garden
and onto the fireplace mantle. But would Martha have sex with
him? No! She was too busy planting wheat grass for her Easter
baskets and making miniature castles out of radishes. Damn
that Martha Stewart! Damn her to hell!
And as long as we're damning people, lets go ahead and damn
that annoying bitch, Cybil Shepard who played Martha Stewart.
The major issue I have with Miss Shepard has nothing to do
with her portrayal of Stewart which was actually pretty good.
The problem I have with her comes from an interview I read
in People Magazine. Shepard used the interview as an opportunity
to try to hit on Michael Crighton. I swear to God. Read it.
Right there in black and white she says she wants him to call
her for a date! Hey, the readers don't care who you're whoring
around with, Miss Cybil Shepard! Get your dates on your own
time. I mean, its not like she was trying to meet some perfect
dreamboat like, say, Tim Matheson…
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Above:
Cybil Shepard as Satan
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