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What this country needs is a show
about dating. And I'm not talking about a show that follows
hot young idiots around and attaches speech bubbles to their
otherwise empty heads to clue the audience in on all the evil
things they're really thinking. I'm talking about an actual
instructional show where someone who knows what the hell they're
doing can tell the rest of us how to date successfully. Kind
of like "This Old House" for the dating circuit
- a real hand- on kind of learning experience in the comfort
and safety of your own bedroom -- er, living room.
I've watched a lot of TV. I mean A LOT. And so far I haven't
run across a program that even comes close to this idea. However,
I have met LOTS of people that could benefit from it. Unfortunately,
I've met most of these people because I've dated them. Let
me tell you something, this show would be a goldmine.
The most important component of any successful television
program is the host. The host of my brilliant new show has
to be someone trustworthy and wise but not condescending.
There's no question the host has to be male given the fact
that men would never listen to a woman doling out dating advice
and let's face it, if the guy is attractive, women will watch
too. The guy has to be semi-young and non-threatening but
still a credible source of information. I'm thinking about
either Billy Crystal or that guy from the Oxy Clean commercials.
Anyway, the host is crucial and I'd rather it isn't some hard
bodied, 25 year old chick with big boobs and a tan-in-a-can.
Unless, of course, they decide to hire me.
Once the Oxy Clean guy signs on - and I think we're all pretty
confident that he will (he's gotta be close to putting gun
in his mouth after hawking that shit for the last 10 years),
we need the requisite snappy theme song and urban chic set.
These things are easy. The theme song we could just lift out
of a really good disco song and we won't even have to pay
for it because we could say we "sampled" it like
all the big time rappers do. All we need is a synthesizer
and a KC and the Sunshine Band hook and we're cooking with
gas.
As far as the set goes, this is also a piece of cake. What
would a dating show be without black walls and leather furniture?
There should also be a fair amount of chrome involved for
the under 30 set, too. We want to appeal to the youngsters
- get 'em while they're young, I say. Maybe this show can
save future generations of women from men who think taking
a woman to Denny's for the "Moons Over My Hammy"
meal at 8:00 o'clock on a Saturday night is a precursor to
sex.
In a country where cell phones are outfitted with "Wheel
of Fortune," a show disseminating information without
any entertainment value would flop faster than Oprah on a
bungee cord. Top ten lists a la David Lettermen are the ticket.
Each episode could focus on the top ten things not to do in
order to get laid - er, I mean, to get to the next level of
a relationship.
Here's my top ten list:
1. Wine in a box is NOT really wine.
2. Your dog/cat/goldfish/iguana is not your "child"
so don't refer to it as if it was. Especially don't do this
if your date has an actual child.
3. "So… let's get to it," is the wrong thing
to say after the first kiss.
4. If there is a realistic chance at sex:
a. Wear grown up underwear - ladies, not GRANNY underwear,
grown-up underwear Guys, no briefs, no rips, no stains, no
loose legholes. For the love of God buy some new underwear.
b. Remove your socks. Especially if they are black and go
all the way up to your knees. This goes for men and women.
5. Do not mention how great your massages are or allude to
your hot tub.
6. Do not begin any sentence with, "My mama says…"
especially if you are a guy.
7. Never whisper in your date's ear, "Do you think those
babies are real?" while nodding in the direction of the
waitress. Don't do this even if you have taken your date to
Hooters. Don't do this even if you have taken your date to
El Strippo Grande.
8. Do not use the word "tits" either in reference
to actual breasts or as a description of how great something
is, as in, "My car in high school was really 'tits'".
9. Two words: breath mints.
10. Show the fuck up. This may seem silly to include in the
list but it's a pretty important element to a successful date.
If you don't show up, chances are you aren't going to get
laid. Sad, but true. Also, if you don't show up you run the
risk of your spurned date following you to work one day and
pouring acid all over your car while screaming "Die,
die, die, you ruthless bastardsonofabitchscumbagassholemotherfucker!"
Yeah, that would be bad for all concerned, so do everyone
a favor and just show up, even if you've changed your mind.
Seriously. Show up.
See how much you learned? And this wasn't even the actual
program! I'm telling you this show would make billions of
dollars, not to mention the fact that it would really be a
boon for the Oxy Clean guy's career.
He could finally stop whoring himself out for that crap and
be a real television expert like he always dreamed and I could
have real date with wine from a bottle and guy that actually
showed up.
Sigh.
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Above:
Hottub dates might work on reality dating shows, but no matter
how unattractive you or your date are, at some point someone
always offers to take off their swimsuit. In real life, this
is not a good idea.
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