|
There’s a reason CBS is king of the television
airwaves and it has nothing to do with “quality programming."
We’re talking about demographics, namely females aged
18– 49 who are tuning in to the network in droves due
to their sexually peaking, raging hormones and the dirty fantasies
that spring from them.
From sitcoms to dramas, every CBS program has at least one
devilishly handsome actor - with the obvious exception of
“Everybody Loves Raymond." There is not one person
I would even make out with on that show let alone one I would
want to see naked. Well, maybe Peter Boyle but that goes back
to my whole creepy-old-guy fetish. Please don't judge me.
CBS’s ace in the hole this season is the new sitcom “Two
and a Half Men.” There are two words to account for the
inevitable success of this show: Charlie Sheen. Sure he’s
been publicly humiliated for whoring around with Heidi Fleiss’
creatures of the night and is no doubt riddled with venereal
disease, but I can't help it. I mean, this guy is so goddamn
sexy that my thong actually slides down my legs every time
he’s onscreen-- which is very embarrassing when I’m
watching TV with friends.
“Two and a Half Men” also stars John Cryer as an
anal retentive, recently divorced guy forced to move in with
his career bachelor/bad boy brother (Sheen) when his wife
deserts him and his 10-year-old son. Not that anyone gives
a shit. John Cryer was a pussy in "Pretty in Pink"
and now he's a older, and much more annoying pussy in "Two
and a half Men." Like I said, we’re watching this
show for Charlie. At least, I am.
Replacing the now defunct “Touched by and Angel”
(there IS a God, and His name is “Cancellation”)
is “Joan of Arcadia"-- more feel good, family programming
for virgins, old people and religious zealots. Like we really
need another one of those. Starring Joe Mantegna (old but
sexy) and Mary Steenburgen (married to once-hot Ted Danson)
but who herself is the opposite of hot, this show is about
a teenage girl who talks to God on a regular basis. Yep, I
said God, and I think we should leave it at that. I don’t
want to be the one delving into the obviously guilt ridden
psyche of the CBS executive who keeps giving the thumbs up
to these small screen homages to the Lord Almighty, but it's
safe to say I won't be watching this one with my pants around
my ankles. Except during those scenes with Mantegna. Holy
mother of God is he hot.
“The Handler” is another new CBS show boasting
that underrated yet undeniable hunk of smoldering man love,
Joe Pantoliano (somewhat greasy, bald Italian guys are also
one of my fetishes). "Joey Pants" is cast in the
lead role as an FBI agent who trains other FBI agents in Los
Angeles. My libido is swimming with all the possibilities
of shower scenes, male bonding, and handcuffs. Most notably
of “The Sopranos” fame, Pantoliano is the guy that
got his head chopped off and stuffed into a bowling bag a
couple of seasons back. Although my highly developed and diverse
sexual taste allows me to recognize that Pantoliano is an
Italian stud with blue-collar appeal, he may be an acquired
taste for some ladies. Keep in mind that he loves his mother,
he won an Emmy, and he cried like a baby during his acceptance
speech. There is nothing more sexy than a chauvinistic and
slightly obnoxious Italian with a sensitive side. My thighs
are quivering.
So there you have it – my CBS fall season picks. Of course,
the man menu doesn’t stop here. CBS shows are overflowing
with rock hard specimens of virility, all to be enjoyed in
the privacy of our own homes where the wine is cold, the phone
is unplugged, and the shades are drawn. And I haven't even
mentioned Dan Rather.
|
|
Above:
Joey Pants has an Emmy AND a pinky ring!
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
