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By now most of you have seen,
or at least heard about the spooky Quizno's sub ads featuring
two freakish, and possibly gay, singing rats. And if you haven't,
it’s time you did. I may never eat another loose meat
sandwich as long as I live.
After seeing this commercial, I would rather make out with
the Subway's Jared or the guy from "My
Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" than put a Quizno's
sub anywhere near my mouth --okay maybe not him but over the
years I’ve put some mighty strange things near my mouth.
Just ask Jon Bon Jovi. You’ll need a bottle of Wild Turkey,
a medium jar of Vaseline and a wet suit but eventually he’ll
back up what I’m saying (call me, Jon!).
There really should be some kind of warning that airs right
before this commercial. You know, something like: “What
you are about to see, although strangely and inexplicably
hypnotic, may render you incapable of rational thought for
a period of minutes, hours and in some rare cases, days."
See, then we would be ready. Then we would know something
bad is coming.
But there’s no warning. There’s just a momentary
black screen and then creepy, floating, obviously gay rodents
(like we don’t know what a jaunty English bowler means…)
in less than two seconds. A shock like that is enough to make
a person spill their Evian bottle secretly filled with vodka
and scream loudly enough to scare the hell out of their three
cats. I mean, you know … if you were actually that much
of a loser. Which I am NOT.
I’d like to know where all the angry, suburban, book
banning, heavy metal hating, non masturbating, we-have-to-protect-our-children-from-evil,
mothers are. Couldn’t one of them have taken a moment
out of her busy day of stifling children’s creativity
to write up a little something for those of us that REALLY
need protecting? I suppose they’re too busy trying to
figure out how to TiVo the next episode of NYPD Blue that
shows the Dennis Franz's ass before their husbands get home
from the golf course. Everyone knows it's these chicks who
are actually eating at Quizno's. Fat suburban chicks suck,
but I digress.
I can’t get this commercial out of my mind – and
believe me I’ve tried. There’s just no escaping
the haunting melody, much less the overpowering sexual chemistry
between these two disgusting creatures. This campaign has
given me the worst nightmares I’ve had since TiVo-ing
Dennis Franz's ass.
I must have missed the marketing class that said rats with
crooked teeth are supposed to make us hungry. It's bad enough
we have to contend with Jared the Subway guy’s rapid
weight loss and incessant display of his giant pants –
a man whose vacant mediocrity scares the crap out of everyone
I know. But just when you thought you’d suffered enough
for your sub sandwich Quiznos blindsides you with this. Holy
crap – you just can’t win.
So where does this leave us as consumers and innocent television
watchers?
Since warning labels aren’t standard on commercials I
guess we’re all going to have to just take a gamble every
time we turn on the TV set. It’s kind of a Russian roulette
situation – and although I really hate to admit it, it’s
sort of exciting. I mean, you never know where you’re
going to be or what you’re going to be watching when
those frightening little guys pop out of nowhere to rock your
very existence and make you question the wisdom of a God who
would allow this type of horror to exist in the world.
Just be forewarned – it’s quite possible this commercial
will fuck you up for life. At the very least, it may make
you appreciate Jared and his enormous pants. I’m not
sure which one is worse. Watch at your own risk.'
email: comments@bobfromaccounting.com
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Above:
The Quizno's rat promises to change the way we think about
fastfood restaurants.
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