|
Have you seen the new
commercials promoting Las Vegas Tourism? What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas? It never occurred to me that Las Vegas had
to drum up business. I figured they were doing pretty well
out there with all the smarmy tradeshow traffic, the newly
divorced set, and movie stars with highly publicized gambling
addictions. And speaking of Ben Affleck, I just want to say
for the record that I thought “Jersey Girl” was
top notch entertainment. Keep up the good work, Ben, and remember:
while you can’t solve your problems at a black jack table,
you can "double down" on Media Whore any time you
like. Call me!
Apparently Las Vegas isn’t doing so well lately. They
really fucked up with the earlier “Bring the Family to
Las Vegas” campaign by confusing the crap out of the
average American, who, understandably, was under the impression
that the place was dubbed “Sin City”for good reason.
Suddenly, in the mid-1990’s those of us that made the
pilgrimage to Vegas for the aforementioned sinning were accosted
with strollers, diaper bags and harried women breast feeding
in the casinos. I mean, everyone is prepared to see boobs
in Vegas, but seeing them with babies attached to them sort
of killed the devil-may-care vibe that made the place so appealing.
It even made me feel somewhat guilty for sleeping with their
husbands while they were busy in the changing room. I hate
guilt.
These days most of the roller coasters and goofy kids’
attractions have been disassembled leaving the town in dire
need of the vacationers of old - philanderers, alcoholics
and bitter, middle aged women looking to validate their fading
attractiveness by testing out their new "vaginal rejuvenation"
surgery on a bunch of horny strangers. In other words, the
city wanted to return to the good old days. Enter the “What
happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” advertising campaign.
The seduction in that sentence goes way beyond that a $4.95
steak dinner or being entertained by glittery, coked up showgirls
who can balance 83 pounds of feathers on their heads while
gyrating suggestively to the strains of Tom Jones.
I mean, close your eyes and really think about it for a minute.
Not the Tom Jones part.
“What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas.” Holy crap.
Are there any words more magical than these?? This slogan
is a get-out-of-your-crappy-mediocre-life free card, paving
the way for the average, hopelessly bored working stiff to
enjoy a precious few days of moral bankruptcy, rampant drug
use and unprotected anonymous sex with multiple partners -
and its working like a charm, bringing people back to the
city in droves.
But no one bothers to tell you the other half of that slogan.
And it’s not until you get out there with your collection
of edible thongs, your sequined tube top and several travel
sized bottles of generic baby oil, that you discover there
is no such thing as a consequence-free nastyfest no matter
what the stupid commercials promise. One minute you’re
sucking down gallon-sized pina coladas by the pool with Rick,
your hunky new 22-year-old paramour with the sparkling white
teeth and the GED study guide, and the next you’re standing
in front of a Korean Elvis impersonator at La Chateau de la
Marriage with a raging headache and a cubic zirconia the size
of Mars on your left ring finger. It can happen – and
it ain’t pretty.
I know a spur of the moment elopement with a complete stranger
looks adorable in the Las Vegas commercial but in actuality
it’s a first class seat on Flight Nightmare. And trust
me, you will NEVER get rid of that guy. Especially if he needs
his green card and speaks very little English beyond, “You
veddy hot” and “I buy drink.” He will follow
you everywhere from the ladies’ room to the grocery store
asking for money in broken English until you want to blow
your own head off. Or so I’ve heard.
The bottom line here? Go to Vegas. Get drunk, lose a few bucks,
see a show or two. But don’t think for one second you
can get away with anything other than that. And stay away
from Tom Jones. He's married.
|
|
Top:
Tom Jones; Bottom: some random guy I slept with in Vegas
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
