INTERVIEW WITH BILLY "T-BONE" TSANGARES

Unless you live in a cave, you have surely heard about BFA's "exclusive" court reporter/t-shirt guru Billy "T-Bone" Tsangares who spent more than a week at the Beverly Hills courthouse covering the Winona Ryder Trial exclusively for our pages. That's what we thought anyway. Turns out Billy whored himself out to Yahoo News and The E-Channel and CNN, every local news channel and whoever else would listen. To make matters worse, his head swelled up so big he stopped returning our calls. It took more than a dozen tries to finally get him for this closing interview.

TELEPHONE INTERVIEW:

BFA: Billy where the fuck have you been? We've called you like 10 times. You were supposed to report to us immediately after the verdict was read.

T-Bone: Omigod, she hugged me, man. Winona Ryder hugged me.

BFA: Yeah, I know. I seemed to have read about it on some OTHER newsource. Why the hell haven't you been returning our calls?

T-Bone: Dude, she HUGGED me. I'm not making this up -- they even reported it on TV. Hey, did you happen to see me on on Good Day L.A.?

BFA: Yeah, we all saw you. You had a piece of donut stuck in your goatee. It was disgusting.

T-Bone: Listen, I'm sitting down for lunch right now with some money people. Can we talk later?

BFA: No, we need to get this stuff for Wednesday. Just a few questions. I'll be fast.

T-Bone: You wanna hear about the hug don't you.

BFA: No not really. So did you happen to mention Bob From Accounting when you were doing all those interviews? That was sort of important.

T-Bone: I dunno. I think so. Hold on. (speaks to waiter - unintelligible) What were you asking dude?

BFA: I was saying that you seemed to get all this media attention and I only read our website name a couple of times during all those interviews. What the hell is wrong with you?

T-Bone: I'm pretty sure I mentioned you a bunch of times. I mean, shit, none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for you. You guys rock. You wanna hear about the hug now?

BFA: No, I don't want to hear about the hug. Okay, yes. I wanna hear about the hug. Damnit! I can't believe you got to hug her. I should have gone to the courthouse. Shit!

T-Bone: Whatever. It was -- how should I say this -- sublime. It was one of those moments I will NEVER forget. Most of this trial was totally boring, but then the hug came and it really changed everything. It wasn't one of those lame-ass, one arm, junior high hugs -- you know the ones when the girl just kind of leans in and pats you on the back. It wasn't like that at all. It was both arms -- solid full embrace. There was heat.

BFA: Really? Did you feel any...boobage?

T-Bone: Yup. Both of 'em.

BFA: Details!

T-Bone: Umm, what do you want to know? I guess they were sort of small pointy-ish boobs. I mean not really pointy, more like firm-- she had a good bra on probably -- or maybe those were nipples. I don't know -- It happened so fast. It was all a blur.

BFA: Dammit. This is so unfair. Why the hell was she hugging you anyway. Did you accost her in the bathroom?

T-Bone: No, I was standing outside and her father Michael Horowitz came out and saw my Free Winona stuff I had with me and we just started talking. Then he brought me in to meet her.

BFA: Well, what did you say?

T-Bone: I dunno. I said 'hey' I guess. She didn't know who the hell I was but then her dad told her I was the guy that sort of started the whole Free Winona craze.

BFA: Ah yes, the craze. Can we get back to the hug? How did it happen??

T-Bone: Well, when she realized who I was she just came over and hugged me. She said she had the shirt and the tote bag and she thought it was really cool.

BFA: Really? What did she smell like? You smelled her right?

T-Bone: Listen, I have to go, we're ordering okay?

BFA: Just a few more questions. The smell. Did she smell good at least? Just tell me that?

T-Bone: She smelled like heaven. Like freshly showered heaven. A hint of bath oil, a touch of fragrance but not overpowering. It was actually pretty intoxicating. Fruity, flowery perfection. -- Listen, I have to go. I'll call ya later. Thanks man for the opportunity. Bob From Accounting rules!

BFA: I hate your guts. I want to die. I want you to die. Hello?

READ BFA'S WINONA RYDER TRIAL COVERAGE